We had an interesting discussion last week at our therapy appointment. It revolved around the emotional sharing that occurs in a relationship. For most of our relationship, William has been resistant to this sharing. I knew he had emotions. I knew he loved me and the kids. I always thought of him as "still waters running deep." But I didn't realize until recently how much of himself he didn't share, how much he kept to himself. Even more than the sexual fantasies, he didn't share his desires, fears, and feelings - he didn't share himself. Prior to September 17th, William had been physically affectionate with hugs and kisses outside of the bedroom, he has participated in raising our children, he had done the surface things required of him as a husband and father., but it was a false front.
In the beginning of our discussion, William revealed that his fears. He felt that fully sharing himself emotionally with me would somehow dilute him; make him less than himself. He felt that I was asking him to sacrifice him as an individual on the alter of our marriage. Funny. I don't see it that way at all. In fact, I believe that it's the exact opposite. I believe that emotional sharing would make him MORE, not less. Certainly not less of an individual. I see that sharing as a way to "flesh out" the ghost partner that I've had for seven years, making him more real, more solid. Definitely not diluted. I actually believe that the emotional sharing is a key component of a committed relationship - otherwise we'd just be friends with privileges. Or maybe even less, maybe just roommates. And after much discussion and thought, I asked William to take that leap...regardless of his fears. I asked him to begin to share himself. And he agreed. And what's more, he followed up his words with an action. This week, he asked for my help with a recurring problem that he has never asked for my help with before. A problem that I have asked to be allowed to help with for years, a request that he had always denied previously. It was a big deal for both of us - and I can't tell you how good it made me feel.
William's reluctance to share his emotional self, to allow me "in" makes me think about some of the comments left on this blog and others. It's made me think about William's instinct to satisfy all of his needs himself - and what that "all" encompasses. About the fear of one's own inadequacies. About the dark and lonely side of AGP. And I believe that, in the same way that change, even a positive one, is scary, William is afraid to let this go. After all, this secret and secluded way of living is all he has ever known. In some ways, I am honored that he is fighting himself so hard...for me...for us.
In case you can't tell, I'm actually at a high point this week. I feel good. I am very happy that William is open to trying, to making efforts, to put himself into our marriage.
And so we continue our work...
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Showing posts with label emotions. Show all posts
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Friday, November 27, 2009
Three Months Later...
Life has been busy the last few weeks and I have not had any time to blog. It’s not been easy, but William and I continue to work hard on our relationship and we both feel like we have made some significant progress that last few weeks. As we go along, we have, in effect, separated our issues into two different categories: communication and sex.
There was a comment left on a blog that I follow by an AGP that said (paraphrased) “AGP’s are ill-equipped to deal with relationships. They seem to lack the tools necessary to make relationships work. The inner self focus is not conducive to sustaining a healthy relationship.” William and I would both agree with those statements. With the help of a therapist, we are focusing most of our efforts on our communications, both verbal and non-verbal. The non-verbal miscommunications that continue to occur have been somewhat of a surprise to us. It has become quite obvious that we had a lot more problems than either of us realized prior to September 17th.
As part of our exploration of AGP as a gender identity issue, we have stumbled across the theory that AGP is a sexual addiction. While “gender identity” seems to address the mental aspect of AGP, there does certainly seem to be a sexual addiction component to this. It definitely fits the “problem” behaviors that William has displayed over the last several years. While it seems important at some point to address the “why” behind his needs (gender identity), right now, we are focusing our efforts on more of the “what and how” (sexual addictive behaviors). Treating the symptoms, in effect, rather than the “disease.” (and no, I don’t think this is a disease, it’s just a metaphor.)
The questions asked on tests given to sexual addicts are very telling:
· Do you hide your sexual behaviors from your partner?
· Do you get “high” from sex? Do you find that you need greater variety or energy to achieve the same level of satisfaction?
· Have you ever neglected your partner to pursue your sexual activities?
William can answer “yes” to these questions and more. His choices over the years have actually progressed him to the point of “sexual anorexia.” This is a sort of advanced state of addiction where the addict stops having sex with his/her partner in favor of the sexual addiction and completely describes where our relationship was before September 17th. None of these behaviors are conducive to a successful relationship. While I can accept the cross-dressing and role reversal during sex, I object highly to these other “addictive” behaviors. So our biggest question right now is (since this is not a standard sexual addiction) “how do we define sexual sobriety?”
For now, we have decided that it's up to us how we define sexual sobriety. And so far, we are choosing to define it as sexual behaviors that both of us are okay with. It will never be okay for William to choose to indulge any of his desires in secret. It will never be okay for him to choose his own desires over mine - this needs to be "us" together. And for now, we are choosing to indulge William's fantasies together - as part of our relationship. As far as how this happens, well, it continues to be an experiment for both of us - finding out what works for him as well as for me. Right now, what we are doing together is working for both of us., but William says that part of his excitement is that what we are doing is new and different. We are both a little worried about what will happen when it stops being "new" and he gets the urge to do something more. This is the "addiction" component of this that scares both of us...
There was a comment left on a blog that I follow by an AGP that said (paraphrased) “AGP’s are ill-equipped to deal with relationships. They seem to lack the tools necessary to make relationships work. The inner self focus is not conducive to sustaining a healthy relationship.” William and I would both agree with those statements. With the help of a therapist, we are focusing most of our efforts on our communications, both verbal and non-verbal. The non-verbal miscommunications that continue to occur have been somewhat of a surprise to us. It has become quite obvious that we had a lot more problems than either of us realized prior to September 17th.
As part of our exploration of AGP as a gender identity issue, we have stumbled across the theory that AGP is a sexual addiction. While “gender identity” seems to address the mental aspect of AGP, there does certainly seem to be a sexual addiction component to this. It definitely fits the “problem” behaviors that William has displayed over the last several years. While it seems important at some point to address the “why” behind his needs (gender identity), right now, we are focusing our efforts on more of the “what and how” (sexual addictive behaviors). Treating the symptoms, in effect, rather than the “disease.” (and no, I don’t think this is a disease, it’s just a metaphor.)
The questions asked on tests given to sexual addicts are very telling:
· Do you hide your sexual behaviors from your partner?
· Do you get “high” from sex? Do you find that you need greater variety or energy to achieve the same level of satisfaction?
· Have you ever neglected your partner to pursue your sexual activities?
William can answer “yes” to these questions and more. His choices over the years have actually progressed him to the point of “sexual anorexia.” This is a sort of advanced state of addiction where the addict stops having sex with his/her partner in favor of the sexual addiction and completely describes where our relationship was before September 17th. None of these behaviors are conducive to a successful relationship. While I can accept the cross-dressing and role reversal during sex, I object highly to these other “addictive” behaviors. So our biggest question right now is (since this is not a standard sexual addiction) “how do we define sexual sobriety?”
For now, we have decided that it's up to us how we define sexual sobriety. And so far, we are choosing to define it as sexual behaviors that both of us are okay with. It will never be okay for William to choose to indulge any of his desires in secret. It will never be okay for him to choose his own desires over mine - this needs to be "us" together. And for now, we are choosing to indulge William's fantasies together - as part of our relationship. As far as how this happens, well, it continues to be an experiment for both of us - finding out what works for him as well as for me. Right now, what we are doing together is working for both of us., but William says that part of his excitement is that what we are doing is new and different. We are both a little worried about what will happen when it stops being "new" and he gets the urge to do something more. This is the "addiction" component of this that scares both of us...
Friday, October 30, 2009
A Few Course Corrections
This week has been very productive for William and I. Getting all of the anger and pain out in the open last week was actually a good thing. A few other things happened this week that has led to us making a few changes - "course corrections" according to our therapist - in our approach to incorporating William's world into our relationship.
The first correction is in how we are communicating. Up until this week, any discussion involving this subject usually dissolved into one or both of us getting upset and/or defensive. We learned this week that verbally identifying the intent behind a question or request is very helpful in diffusing that toxicity. We were able to have a very intense discussion on Tuesday this week without either one of us getting upset...and it was one of the most productive conversations to date.
William also had an epiphany this week. He learned that he knows nothing about what I like in the bedroom. It's not that I never told him or tried to share it with him; it was "selective memory" on his part. This realization took him a bit aback; it was a very solid piece of evidence showing him that his choices had really affected us. And even worse, I had forgotten what I liked in the bedroom. The truth is that we've had seven years of "quickies", not meaningful sex. William followed up his epiphany with sincere efforts to identify MY needs in the bedroom. And, boy, did he do it right! For the first time, he was able to demonstrate that he was capable of fulfilling my needs. Wow. And just as important to me, he was able to meet my needs and still enjoy himself. His response to this discovery showed me that he truly "got" it. And even more importantly, he gets that the changes that he is making need to be lifelong ones. This has helped immensely to lessen my anxiety. I feel like if he "gets" it, he'll be less likely to fall back into his old habits.
William's efforts made me happy, then, to work to identify what was not working for him in our efforts to satisfy his needs. Our stated goal was to try to fulfill his needs to the maximum degree possible while making sure that I was okay with what was happening. We were able to set aside a few hours this week to experiment a bit. William was very good about making sure that my feelings were taken into consideration during our session. He reported afterward that the changes we made were good ones and he was very satisfied with what we did together. And absolutely just as importantly, I enjoyed myself also.
Our most important realization this week is that the focus of our efforts needs to be on both of us. We both need to work to make sure that both of us are satisfied in whatever we do. We understand that there will have to be some changes and compromises, this can't be about just one of us, but at the same time, the truth is that if either of us has to give up an important part of themselves, this won't work.
And so our journey continues...together.
The first correction is in how we are communicating. Up until this week, any discussion involving this subject usually dissolved into one or both of us getting upset and/or defensive. We learned this week that verbally identifying the intent behind a question or request is very helpful in diffusing that toxicity. We were able to have a very intense discussion on Tuesday this week without either one of us getting upset...and it was one of the most productive conversations to date.
William also had an epiphany this week. He learned that he knows nothing about what I like in the bedroom. It's not that I never told him or tried to share it with him; it was "selective memory" on his part. This realization took him a bit aback; it was a very solid piece of evidence showing him that his choices had really affected us. And even worse, I had forgotten what I liked in the bedroom. The truth is that we've had seven years of "quickies", not meaningful sex. William followed up his epiphany with sincere efforts to identify MY needs in the bedroom. And, boy, did he do it right! For the first time, he was able to demonstrate that he was capable of fulfilling my needs. Wow. And just as important to me, he was able to meet my needs and still enjoy himself. His response to this discovery showed me that he truly "got" it. And even more importantly, he gets that the changes that he is making need to be lifelong ones. This has helped immensely to lessen my anxiety. I feel like if he "gets" it, he'll be less likely to fall back into his old habits.
William's efforts made me happy, then, to work to identify what was not working for him in our efforts to satisfy his needs. Our stated goal was to try to fulfill his needs to the maximum degree possible while making sure that I was okay with what was happening. We were able to set aside a few hours this week to experiment a bit. William was very good about making sure that my feelings were taken into consideration during our session. He reported afterward that the changes we made were good ones and he was very satisfied with what we did together. And absolutely just as importantly, I enjoyed myself also.
Our most important realization this week is that the focus of our efforts needs to be on both of us. We both need to work to make sure that both of us are satisfied in whatever we do. We understand that there will have to be some changes and compromises, this can't be about just one of us, but at the same time, the truth is that if either of us has to give up an important part of themselves, this won't work.
And so our journey continues...together.
Saturday, October 24, 2009
Hidden Reservoirs
Thursday evening, William and I were discussing our "activities" in the bedroom to date. These are the words that William chose to express his feelings: "while what we have been doing in the bedroom has been fun, it is not as fulfilling or completely satisfying as what [he] had been doing on his own." oh. my. God. As if those words didn't cause enough hurt on their own, William also unknowingly tapped a hidden reservoir of hurt, pain and anger that I didn't even know was there. The bucket turned into a wellspring and all those feelings that had been buried inside came welling up to the surface and completely spilled over. You can imagine our "conversation" from there. It was NOT pretty. My face was swollen the next day from all the crying that I did.
Fortunately, our appointment with the therapist was on Friday morning, so we were able to continue our "discussion" with some assistance. It did help....and I felt better this morning.
Right now, I am choosing not to go into great detail about my hurt and pain, but in a nutshell, my feelings are a result of the choices that William made over the past seven years and the effect that those choices had on our relationship. Prior to my discovery, William believed that the efforts that he made to act on his fantasies in secret affected only him. But that is not the reality. There were then -and still are now - repercussions from his past choices. And we have to deal with them.
I can accept who he is now with little effort. But apparently, based on what happened Thursday and Friday, I am still working to come to terms with who he has been for the past seven years. I fervently hope that we have tapped the last of any hidden reservoirs of negative feelings that I have, but I don't know. There may still be consequences for us to deal with over the upcoming weeks, months and maybe even years.
Love, committment and communication - all are healing, but it still takes time...
Fortunately, our appointment with the therapist was on Friday morning, so we were able to continue our "discussion" with some assistance. It did help....and I felt better this morning.
Right now, I am choosing not to go into great detail about my hurt and pain, but in a nutshell, my feelings are a result of the choices that William made over the past seven years and the effect that those choices had on our relationship. Prior to my discovery, William believed that the efforts that he made to act on his fantasies in secret affected only him. But that is not the reality. There were then -and still are now - repercussions from his past choices. And we have to deal with them.
I can accept who he is now with little effort. But apparently, based on what happened Thursday and Friday, I am still working to come to terms with who he has been for the past seven years. I fervently hope that we have tapped the last of any hidden reservoirs of negative feelings that I have, but I don't know. There may still be consequences for us to deal with over the upcoming weeks, months and maybe even years.
Love, committment and communication - all are healing, but it still takes time...
Wednesday, October 21, 2009
One Month Later
It's actually closer to 5 weeks since my discovery, but life has interfered a bit with my blogging. The fact that this blog is not my first priority any more is actually a positive thing. It means that things are calm...and William and I are good. Very good. My last major upset was the email address episode. The bucket next to me has shrunk even farther. In many ways, our life outside the bedroom has returned to "normal". I have been able to go out in the evening with friends, leaving William home alone - and not worry about what he was doing. That is a huge step for me.
We are still working with a therapist -and he has been very helpful. Our primary focus has shifted from "how is Susanne handling this?" to "we need to work on our relationship skills." You see, William has spent over 40 years hiding himself from the world. It is requiring conscious effort on his part to open up to me, to bring me into his world. His communication skills (regarding our relationship) are quite poor. His historical preference has been to satisfy his own needs and not even consciously identify them, much less verbalize them. So, in some ways, his adjustment to this is even harder than mine.
Last week, our therapist talked with us about our path through this unknown territory and defining the clues we will see that tell us if we are on the "right" path or the "wrong" path. William's first response was that he will "feel that it's the right path." I'm not sure, however, that I trust his "feelings" in this particular case. William and I discussed this further at home and came up with some more concrete signs, such as "if he has to lie about what he is doing" or "if he is keeping something hidden from me, no matter how small" - those are signs that he is getting off the right path. The right path includes expressing his needs to me - something that he struggles to do. Actually, William is doing quite well with all of this, but the fact that it continues to be an effort means that we will be continuing therapy for quite awhile.
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
One Step Back, Two Steps Forward
The "mass" hanging over my head has shrunk to the point where it fits into a bucket next to me. It's full of all of the negative emotions that are primarily associated with my feelings about the past and the "affair" that I feel William had. Every so often, I learn of something new that he did (or get enough detail about something that it changes my mental picture of what happened and makes it new). When that happens, the "new information" gets dumped into the bucket and is stirred up...along with all the bad feelings that I have about the lying and scheming that went on for so long. Fortunately, most days, the bucket settles quickly enough, it usually only takes a hug and "I love you" from William to make the pain goes away. And those times occur less and less.
Last Thursday was a wonderful day - my best to date. Then Friday also went well, then Saturday, - three whole wonderful days! But then Sunday hit. And my brother came to visit. My brother who is on the verge of divorcing his wife. He feels alone in his marriage; his wife doesn't love him. He told me of his efforts to try to communicate with her about his feelings...and her lack of response...and told me of his pain over that. It really stirred the "bucket". Unfortunately, I didn't get much of a chance to talk to William that evening and the pain got a chance to take hold...and started to cause problems.
So Monday started off not great...and got worse. A little devil sat on my shoulder and whispered into my ear all day "he lied to you for all those years, habits are hard to break. How would you know? He's very practiced at deceiving you. Are you sure you know everything?" And I told him, "William loves me. He had convinced himself that he was harming no one - he didn't do it on purpose. He loves me." Then the little devil whispered "Like an alcoholic, he could convince himself again that this would be a one time thing. And it could happen again. Are you sure that you know everything?" Until that damn devil got the best of me and I decided that I needed to look through William's email. My hope was to find NOTHING to shut that little devil up, but instead, I found...well, something. I found evidence of a secret email address. William had covered his tracks well, but I happened upon a copy of a year-old email that he had forwarded to his secret address and had forgotten to delete. So I found it. And, oh boy, that bucket completely spilled over.
William was out for the evening, but I couldn't wait and called him. To his credit, he gave me his password and told me what he thought I would find there. He was right - except he forgot about the email regarding a profile that he had started on a ts-dating website. Ouch! It was rather ugly when he got home. He tried to walk away once, but I didn't let him. He did have an explanation. He said that that he was looking at photos of men in lingerie, not trying to meet them. I already knew about the photos of shemales that he had downloaded, so his view is that this was not new information. He felt that he didn't lie. But he did admit that he had chosen not to tell me about the email account because he thought it would cause me more pain. I'm not sure what I think about that.
So...where am I today? Well, partly, I'm relieved. I actually do believe William when he said that he had not used the site to meet others (it helped that he never completed his profile and the last log in date was the date that he registered.) And I'm very glad that I didn't find anything else - it reassured me that he is telling me the "big truths" - and that what he is not telling me is not as big as my mind sometimes makes it out to be. So in some ways, my looking was not a bad thing.
But really, it was. A bad thing to do. And I'm mostly very sorry that I ever did it to begin with. I violated William with that action. It was a big mistake on my part and I've been thinking about it all day long. The realization I came to today is, that in order for us to succeed, I must trust William. While I may be rightfully angry over his keeping the secret for all those years, the truth is that he did not choose to tell me his secret, I found it out. And now that I know, I must prove to him that I am trustworthy to keep it. And to do that, I do demand that he reveal himself fully to me, but I must also allow him to do it in his way and his time. I must trust him when he says that he loves me and that he is now actively working to put us first. I must show him the trust that I am asking him to show me. Because the reality is, if I fail to do this, he is fully capable of continuing to live the lie again without me ever knowing. And that is unacceptable to me.
I have a new dream. A dream where William and I create a world where we can both live happily, able to express our needs to one another, knowing that our partner is there to meet those needs, no matter what they are. And I must do my part to create that world. So tonight, I apologized to William for my actions yesterday. I gave him permission to change the password on his email account so that I cannot access it. He deserves to be able to have some privacy - and as difficult as it is for me, I will choose to trust that he will not abuse it. You should have seen William's face...
I am writing this story down so that you all know that there ARE and WILL be bad days. And sadly, sometimes one partner will do something to hurt the other partner. But if you love each other, you must ask forgiveness and then allow yourself to be forgiven. Know that just because we have a bad day now and then, and just because this is not easy for either of us, it doesn't mean that we are going to fail. In fact, quite the opposite. The more we weather, the stronger our foundation becomes. We are both committed to one another. We both love one another. And tonight, we are both more than okay, we are awesome.
Last Thursday was a wonderful day - my best to date. Then Friday also went well, then Saturday, - three whole wonderful days! But then Sunday hit. And my brother came to visit. My brother who is on the verge of divorcing his wife. He feels alone in his marriage; his wife doesn't love him. He told me of his efforts to try to communicate with her about his feelings...and her lack of response...and told me of his pain over that. It really stirred the "bucket". Unfortunately, I didn't get much of a chance to talk to William that evening and the pain got a chance to take hold...and started to cause problems.
So Monday started off not great...and got worse. A little devil sat on my shoulder and whispered into my ear all day "he lied to you for all those years, habits are hard to break. How would you know? He's very practiced at deceiving you. Are you sure you know everything?" And I told him, "William loves me. He had convinced himself that he was harming no one - he didn't do it on purpose. He loves me." Then the little devil whispered "Like an alcoholic, he could convince himself again that this would be a one time thing. And it could happen again. Are you sure that you know everything?" Until that damn devil got the best of me and I decided that I needed to look through William's email. My hope was to find NOTHING to shut that little devil up, but instead, I found...well, something. I found evidence of a secret email address. William had covered his tracks well, but I happened upon a copy of a year-old email that he had forwarded to his secret address and had forgotten to delete. So I found it. And, oh boy, that bucket completely spilled over.
William was out for the evening, but I couldn't wait and called him. To his credit, he gave me his password and told me what he thought I would find there. He was right - except he forgot about the email regarding a profile that he had started on a ts-dating website. Ouch! It was rather ugly when he got home. He tried to walk away once, but I didn't let him. He did have an explanation. He said that that he was looking at photos of men in lingerie, not trying to meet them. I already knew about the photos of shemales that he had downloaded, so his view is that this was not new information. He felt that he didn't lie. But he did admit that he had chosen not to tell me about the email account because he thought it would cause me more pain. I'm not sure what I think about that.
So...where am I today? Well, partly, I'm relieved. I actually do believe William when he said that he had not used the site to meet others (it helped that he never completed his profile and the last log in date was the date that he registered.) And I'm very glad that I didn't find anything else - it reassured me that he is telling me the "big truths" - and that what he is not telling me is not as big as my mind sometimes makes it out to be. So in some ways, my looking was not a bad thing.
But really, it was. A bad thing to do. And I'm mostly very sorry that I ever did it to begin with. I violated William with that action. It was a big mistake on my part and I've been thinking about it all day long. The realization I came to today is, that in order for us to succeed, I must trust William. While I may be rightfully angry over his keeping the secret for all those years, the truth is that he did not choose to tell me his secret, I found it out. And now that I know, I must prove to him that I am trustworthy to keep it. And to do that, I do demand that he reveal himself fully to me, but I must also allow him to do it in his way and his time. I must trust him when he says that he loves me and that he is now actively working to put us first. I must show him the trust that I am asking him to show me. Because the reality is, if I fail to do this, he is fully capable of continuing to live the lie again without me ever knowing. And that is unacceptable to me.
I have a new dream. A dream where William and I create a world where we can both live happily, able to express our needs to one another, knowing that our partner is there to meet those needs, no matter what they are. And I must do my part to create that world. So tonight, I apologized to William for my actions yesterday. I gave him permission to change the password on his email account so that I cannot access it. He deserves to be able to have some privacy - and as difficult as it is for me, I will choose to trust that he will not abuse it. You should have seen William's face...
I am writing this story down so that you all know that there ARE and WILL be bad days. And sadly, sometimes one partner will do something to hurt the other partner. But if you love each other, you must ask forgiveness and then allow yourself to be forgiven. Know that just because we have a bad day now and then, and just because this is not easy for either of us, it doesn't mean that we are going to fail. In fact, quite the opposite. The more we weather, the stronger our foundation becomes. We are both committed to one another. We both love one another. And tonight, we are both more than okay, we are awesome.
Thursday, October 8, 2009
Sex, Love and Everything Else
I love the Internet. I love the idea that I can look up all sorts of information and I love the fact that I can talk to others anonymously. Anonymous' comment on my last post got me to thinking more about this. Have you heard of the book that discusses how men and women think differently? Yes, I know there are a million of them. The one I'm thinking of, though, says that men have brains like boxes on shelving units. They compartmentalize themselves into little bits and pieces and, generally, only deal with one "box" at a time. Most men actually have trouble with mental multi-tasking or dealing with more than one box at a time. Women, though, have brains that are more like a plate of spaghetti. Every piece, while separate, touches every other piece on the plate. That's why women talk about everything at once and are great mental multi-taskers. This theory also explains why most men feel that sex and love are separate. That sex is just sex - and that's all it is. For most women, though, sex and love are intertwined. And those strands touch every other strand of their lives. I find this theory to be completely accurate in describing William and myself. And this is partly why I completely believe William when he says that he feels male/masculine, despite what he is doing to and with himself. If he felt like a woman, I think he would understand my "processing" better than he does. (He gets brownie points for trying, though!) And this is also partly why the term "autogynephiliac" fits William better than "transsexual."
When I first discovered William's secret, I took to the Internet. I tried to figure out why he was doing this. It was immediately obvious to me that this was more than just cross-dressing; one look at the photos told me that. This was a man/woman coming on to himself through the pictures, not just dressing up. I could find information about spouses of transvestites, but that wasn't ALL there was to our story. I could find some information about spouses of transsexuals (as limited as it is), but that didn't seem to fit either. And what I did find told their stories, they were told from the perspective of someone who had already reached their destination; someone who was already comfortable where they were at. They weren't quite detailed enough for me. ("It's not personal, so get over it" wasn't very helpful in those first few days.) For those spouses that still in their journey, there are discussion forums, but they are cumbersome and most of them are closed until your application to join is approved. (I'm still waiting for some of my apps to be approved - 3 weeks later.)
But there was absolutely nothing out there for spouses of those people who fall somewhere in between. No guide book for me to use in navigating my way though this. No road map to tell me where this was even leading. I began blogging as a way to process my feelings, but I certainly hope that if there is someone else out there like me, a straight spouse of a man who is not even certain of his location in the gender/sexuality plain, then this might help them. On Day One of my journey, I was kicked in the head and knocked for a loop. By Day Fourteen, I was feeling...better. Today is Day 21 and while the tough part is certainly not over, it is considerably better than it was. My mental picture of my own journey through this is one that takes place through fog. Periodically, I come to a place where the fog thins, breaks up even and I can see the sun and where I'm going. Then I hit the fog again. When I am in the sunlight, I look forward to our new life together. The intimacy that this brings could potentially be better than anything else I'd ever dreamed of. It's just different. I'm very much looking forward to the day when I'm out of the fog completely and can bask in the sunlight forever.
A man reading this might not interpret my writing in the same way that a woman would - and that's perfectly okay. Their comments show me William's perspective - and I find that very helpful when trying to explain to him what my side looks like. And with both of us working to understand the other person's perspective in this relationship - well, this can be my new fairytale dream.
As I said at the beginning of this blog...sex, love and every other aspect of my life intertwine...
When I first discovered William's secret, I took to the Internet. I tried to figure out why he was doing this. It was immediately obvious to me that this was more than just cross-dressing; one look at the photos told me that. This was a man/woman coming on to himself through the pictures, not just dressing up. I could find information about spouses of transvestites, but that wasn't ALL there was to our story. I could find some information about spouses of transsexuals (as limited as it is), but that didn't seem to fit either. And what I did find told their stories, they were told from the perspective of someone who had already reached their destination; someone who was already comfortable where they were at. They weren't quite detailed enough for me. ("It's not personal, so get over it" wasn't very helpful in those first few days.) For those spouses that still in their journey, there are discussion forums, but they are cumbersome and most of them are closed until your application to join is approved. (I'm still waiting for some of my apps to be approved - 3 weeks later.)
But there was absolutely nothing out there for spouses of those people who fall somewhere in between. No guide book for me to use in navigating my way though this. No road map to tell me where this was even leading. I began blogging as a way to process my feelings, but I certainly hope that if there is someone else out there like me, a straight spouse of a man who is not even certain of his location in the gender/sexuality plain, then this might help them. On Day One of my journey, I was kicked in the head and knocked for a loop. By Day Fourteen, I was feeling...better. Today is Day 21 and while the tough part is certainly not over, it is considerably better than it was. My mental picture of my own journey through this is one that takes place through fog. Periodically, I come to a place where the fog thins, breaks up even and I can see the sun and where I'm going. Then I hit the fog again. When I am in the sunlight, I look forward to our new life together. The intimacy that this brings could potentially be better than anything else I'd ever dreamed of. It's just different. I'm very much looking forward to the day when I'm out of the fog completely and can bask in the sunlight forever.
A man reading this might not interpret my writing in the same way that a woman would - and that's perfectly okay. Their comments show me William's perspective - and I find that very helpful when trying to explain to him what my side looks like. And with both of us working to understand the other person's perspective in this relationship - well, this can be my new fairytale dream.
As I said at the beginning of this blog...sex, love and every other aspect of my life intertwine...
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Storm is Easing
The Eye of the Storm has passed, I think. There is still wind, rain, and darkness, but the eye has passed and we are on the backside of it.
My William is baffled, a bit, by the "ease" which I have accepted the outer vestiges of this - the clothing, the wig, the make-up. The fact that all of this turns him on. This is the part that he was afraid I would not be able to accept. He says that he is surprised by the depth of the feelings that I have about the secrecy, the violation of my trust, the lies and deceit. In the years before my discovery, he had convinced himself that he was hurting no-one and it never occurred to him that I might feel differently. That I would feel like he was cheating on me.
Early on in this process, when I was still trying to even grasp what this was, I offered him an option - we stay married and be a couple in every sense of the word except sex. For that, he could do "his own thing" and I would go out and satisfy my needs as necessary. He said "no. Absolutely not." I asked him "why?" He said "because that is not what marriage is. That is not what I want. I do not want you to go outside of our relationship for sex." So. ... Ditto.
And I do believe that William understands this. He understands why his need to make love to himself as a woman is not acceptable to me. We are continuing to incorporate bits and pieces of the dressing piece of this into our relationship. With two small children around 24/7, it's hard to take the time for the painted fingernails, make-up, wig, etc, but that will likely be the next step - and I'm okay with that. Not only am I willing to do this, in some ways, I am very excited about it also. I am excited about the toys and the porn (I am one of those strange women who actually likes porn - William knew that at one time, but forgot it, I think.). We are slowing redefining our relationship in many ways (more ways that he ever thought!) But...
I seem to always end my blogs with questions. Our story is not yet done, nor will it be, I'm thinking, for a long time. So my questions continue, thankfully NOT as loud and urgent as before, but still there nonetheless... Will this be enough for him? Will his compulsion to be by himself force him to do things that, when not turned on, he really does not want to do? Only time will tell, I guess. We are still in therapy. So far, we are both happy with the therapist. And while William is hesitant to explore this side of himself, he is willing for the sake of our marriage, so I am ever hopeful.
As I said in the beginning of this blog, the eye of the storm inside me has passed and we are on the back-side...I think.
My William is baffled, a bit, by the "ease" which I have accepted the outer vestiges of this - the clothing, the wig, the make-up. The fact that all of this turns him on. This is the part that he was afraid I would not be able to accept. He says that he is surprised by the depth of the feelings that I have about the secrecy, the violation of my trust, the lies and deceit. In the years before my discovery, he had convinced himself that he was hurting no-one and it never occurred to him that I might feel differently. That I would feel like he was cheating on me.
Early on in this process, when I was still trying to even grasp what this was, I offered him an option - we stay married and be a couple in every sense of the word except sex. For that, he could do "his own thing" and I would go out and satisfy my needs as necessary. He said "no. Absolutely not." I asked him "why?" He said "because that is not what marriage is. That is not what I want. I do not want you to go outside of our relationship for sex." So. ... Ditto.
And I do believe that William understands this. He understands why his need to make love to himself as a woman is not acceptable to me. We are continuing to incorporate bits and pieces of the dressing piece of this into our relationship. With two small children around 24/7, it's hard to take the time for the painted fingernails, make-up, wig, etc, but that will likely be the next step - and I'm okay with that. Not only am I willing to do this, in some ways, I am very excited about it also. I am excited about the toys and the porn (I am one of those strange women who actually likes porn - William knew that at one time, but forgot it, I think.). We are slowing redefining our relationship in many ways (more ways that he ever thought!) But...
I seem to always end my blogs with questions. Our story is not yet done, nor will it be, I'm thinking, for a long time. So my questions continue, thankfully NOT as loud and urgent as before, but still there nonetheless... Will this be enough for him? Will his compulsion to be by himself force him to do things that, when not turned on, he really does not want to do? Only time will tell, I guess. We are still in therapy. So far, we are both happy with the therapist. And while William is hesitant to explore this side of himself, he is willing for the sake of our marriage, so I am ever hopeful.
As I said in the beginning of this blog, the eye of the storm inside me has passed and we are on the back-side...I think.
Friday, October 2, 2009
I Never Saw a Thing...
"Prior to Sept 17th, I was just driving down the highway of my life...happy, driving. Going pretty fast, but clear on where I was and where I was going. When out of nowhere...BAM! - The next thing I knew, I was in the middle of nowhere. And I never saw it coming. I feel like the old cliche "Honestly, officer, I never saw a thing..." And afterwards...nothing looked right, nothing looked familiar. I think that I've been racing around, at about 100 mph, the last two weeks, looking for something familiar, something I recognize, something to lead me back to the road that I was on. But I'm starting to realize that my old life is lost. Lost forever. And I'm out here, in uncharted territory, all alone. Imagine how this would feel to you..."
This analogy came to me yesterday as I was trying make my spouse understand exactly how I was feeling. My entire life has changed. The foundation of my relationship with my spouse has been shaken. I am alone, now, like I have never been before. Those friends that I could always tell everything to, can no longer be the same intimate friends that they once were. I feel alone in my circle because, now, I have a secret to keep...all alone. And the only other person who knows it is the person who caused this pain to begin with.
Yesterday was...not peaceful. But last night, it occurred to me that I could stop racing around trying to find something that is gone. It occurred to me that maybe I could slow down a little. Maybe I should slow down a little. Maybe I should even think about stopping to look at the scenery here...where I am now. Yesterday, this thought was terrifying - because I have no idea where I am, maybe I'm on quicksand? Maybe it's dark out there... It's scary.
But today, I'm feeling that maybe, probably, the sun is shining out there. Maybe there are flowers and grass to look at here - where I am now. And just maybe, because I still know where my destination is, I can find my way to where I want to end up. And yes, my world has shrunk, but I need to focus on the fact that I am not alone. I am still very frightened and I'm still glancing around for my old road, and sometimes, I panic and start racing again. But my spouse is with me. And I am relying on him to help us forge a new road together.
This analogy came to me yesterday as I was trying make my spouse understand exactly how I was feeling. My entire life has changed. The foundation of my relationship with my spouse has been shaken. I am alone, now, like I have never been before. Those friends that I could always tell everything to, can no longer be the same intimate friends that they once were. I feel alone in my circle because, now, I have a secret to keep...all alone. And the only other person who knows it is the person who caused this pain to begin with.
Yesterday was...not peaceful. But last night, it occurred to me that I could stop racing around trying to find something that is gone. It occurred to me that maybe I could slow down a little. Maybe I should slow down a little. Maybe I should even think about stopping to look at the scenery here...where I am now. Yesterday, this thought was terrifying - because I have no idea where I am, maybe I'm on quicksand? Maybe it's dark out there... It's scary.
But today, I'm feeling that maybe, probably, the sun is shining out there. Maybe there are flowers and grass to look at here - where I am now. And just maybe, because I still know where my destination is, I can find my way to where I want to end up. And yes, my world has shrunk, but I need to focus on the fact that I am not alone. I am still very frightened and I'm still glancing around for my old road, and sometimes, I panic and start racing again. But my spouse is with me. And I am relying on him to help us forge a new road together.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Question of the Day
If he was satisfied with what he was doing with himself, for himself prior to September 17th, HOW is he going to be satisfied now? With me? Including me? Making love with me and not just himself? How am I going to know? How can I trust his answer? How can I get through a love-making session without wondering what he's thinking about? Feeling like I'm not enough? Feeling self-conscious? Feeling unwelcome?...
okay, maybe more than one question...
okay, maybe more than one question...
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Like Boo-boos and Bandaids
When one of my children gets an "owie", they require a kiss to make it all better. Even now as they are getting older and understand that it's the pain reliever or bandaid that really makes it better, they still need that kiss at the end to "seal the deal."
In much the same way, adults use words to soothe the pain that life causes. We know that the words don't make things all right by themselves, but, like a parent's kiss, they can help. I realized this last night as I emotionally fell apart. This wound is deep - in some ways, deeper than I think it should be. And like a child, I need the "kiss to make it better" just as much as I need the bandaid to help the wound heal. I have been strong over the past two weeks; I have held it together fairly well, but last night, as the cat running away turned into the straw that broke the camel's back, I became a child. I needed William to touch me, hold me, and to also reassure me in words that he loved me, that he finds me attractive, that he desires me - and that we would be all right. Unfortunately, William's "love language" is doing, not saying. He distrusts words. He finds them difficult. Yet when someone is in pain, you must speak to them in their language, not your own. Many tears were shed last night, but, finally, finally, William was able to find the words that I needed to hear and give voice to them. He held me and "kissed it and made it better."
By the way, the cat came home this morning. Maybe my karma is changing..
In much the same way, adults use words to soothe the pain that life causes. We know that the words don't make things all right by themselves, but, like a parent's kiss, they can help. I realized this last night as I emotionally fell apart. This wound is deep - in some ways, deeper than I think it should be. And like a child, I need the "kiss to make it better" just as much as I need the bandaid to help the wound heal. I have been strong over the past two weeks; I have held it together fairly well, but last night, as the cat running away turned into the straw that broke the camel's back, I became a child. I needed William to touch me, hold me, and to also reassure me in words that he loved me, that he finds me attractive, that he desires me - and that we would be all right. Unfortunately, William's "love language" is doing, not saying. He distrusts words. He finds them difficult. Yet when someone is in pain, you must speak to them in their language, not your own. Many tears were shed last night, but, finally, finally, William was able to find the words that I needed to hear and give voice to them. He held me and "kissed it and made it better."
By the way, the cat came home this morning. Maybe my karma is changing..
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Sex and Emotions
I have had more sex in the last 8 days than in the entire last year, maybe even two years. No kidding. Lack of sex has been the only source of discontent in our marriage - for me, not for him. Now I know why. We were having sex once a month if I was lucky - it would not be at all unusual to go closer to two or three months in between sessions. (The truth is that William has been satisying his own needs a few times a week - which is a whole other blog posting!). Anyway, my point is that just talking about this subject- whether it's good or bad - makes William hard. And the sex has been awesome.
Part of me is surprised how sensitive and accommodating William is being regarding my adjustment to this new situation. Of course, one could argue that he has to be, but the reality is that he could just as easily NOT be so understanding. He could be defensive and angry (which was actually his first reaction, but he reined that it very quickly.) Maybe it's because of how I found out or maybe it's because he knows how I deal with things, but he has really tried to give me at least the illusion of some control over this situation. For example: last weekend, he waited until I came into the bedroom in the morning to tell me that he really wanted to masturbate. Do you know how erotic that was for me? I asked if I could watch and he let me...which turned into me helping...which turned into...well, you can imagine. It was a very emotionally gratifying experience for me. I have asked and asked over the years what "worked" for him, where to touch, etc. He had always been very non-committal, shrugging, changing the subject - this was the first time in 9 years of being together that he showed me where to touch, how hard to touch, etc. Then today, a few hours after getting interrupted by our two young children (in our third go-around of the morning), he came up to whisper in my ear that he was still unsatisfied and would it be okay with me if he "took care of himself." After a few moments of thought, I said "yes". And he did.
Some might think that this was asking permission, but the fact is - he is putting my needs, emotional and physical, ahead of his own for the first time in seven years. I understand that there is a possibility that, at some point in the future, he will feel the need to do some of this on his own, but he has promised me that if he ever feels a need that I cannot satisfy, he will talk to me first about it. For him to be willing, now, to do what I need him to do to make me feel secure in this relationship makes my heart swell with love. This is how I will recover from the shock of the discovery; this is how we will incorporate this into our relationship. Working together as true partners for the first time in our marriage and in our lives.
Part of me is surprised how sensitive and accommodating William is being regarding my adjustment to this new situation. Of course, one could argue that he has to be, but the reality is that he could just as easily NOT be so understanding. He could be defensive and angry (which was actually his first reaction, but he reined that it very quickly.) Maybe it's because of how I found out or maybe it's because he knows how I deal with things, but he has really tried to give me at least the illusion of some control over this situation. For example: last weekend, he waited until I came into the bedroom in the morning to tell me that he really wanted to masturbate. Do you know how erotic that was for me? I asked if I could watch and he let me...which turned into me helping...which turned into...well, you can imagine. It was a very emotionally gratifying experience for me. I have asked and asked over the years what "worked" for him, where to touch, etc. He had always been very non-committal, shrugging, changing the subject - this was the first time in 9 years of being together that he showed me where to touch, how hard to touch, etc. Then today, a few hours after getting interrupted by our two young children (in our third go-around of the morning), he came up to whisper in my ear that he was still unsatisfied and would it be okay with me if he "took care of himself." After a few moments of thought, I said "yes". And he did.
Some might think that this was asking permission, but the fact is - he is putting my needs, emotional and physical, ahead of his own for the first time in seven years. I understand that there is a possibility that, at some point in the future, he will feel the need to do some of this on his own, but he has promised me that if he ever feels a need that I cannot satisfy, he will talk to me first about it. For him to be willing, now, to do what I need him to do to make me feel secure in this relationship makes my heart swell with love. This is how I will recover from the shock of the discovery; this is how we will incorporate this into our relationship. Working together as true partners for the first time in our marriage and in our lives.
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
The Good, the Bad and the Ugly
The Good: I saw him last night...in some of his clothes. Only from the neck down and probably fairly sedate for him, I think, considering what I've seen in the pictures, but appropriate for what I was ready to handle. In all honesty, it was a little strange and awkward at the beginning of it- he felt exposed and I felt very self-conscious. In spite of that, the sex was intense - the trust is an incredible turn on for me and you know what the turn on is for him.
The Bad part came afterwards when, instead of focusing on the beauty of the moment, I focused on "me" and "before". It tainted, a little bit, the Good. The crux of my self-consciousness: Last week, after my discovery, I had asked him if he found me sexually exciting. I'll give him credit for answering that honestly, but oh, did the answer hurt!!! He finds women sexually exciting, but not necessarily me. Wow. Wow. Wow. Follow-up questions revealed that it's mostly my excess weight/visual issue for him, but that because he loves me, he can get past it. I guess I can understand that, but last night, it was very prominent in my mind. I hid behind him when we stood in front of the mirror - when he was being "visual" and looking at himself. I didn't want him to see me in the picture with him. Instead of thinking about him, all I wanted to do was hide myself under the covers... It was much better for me when we moved away from the mirror and toward the bed.
The Ugly:
The "Before". It came to the forefront of my mind as I looked through his clothes. As I browsed through them, all I could think about was "Where was I when he bought this? How many times has he lied to me? How much planning went into his lies? How much has he taken away from me?? Our marriage?? Our sex life?? How did I not know?? After the sex, these thoughts circled and circled around in my mind. Again, to his credit, William is being as supportive as he possibly can be . He laid awake as long as I needed him to in order to answer my questions. Despite all the thoughts in my mind, I only needed to ask a few questions - the biggest one that I am still thinking about - which items were bought before our marriage and which ones were purchased afterwards? I feel that I am truly okay with the ones purchased before, but my feelings about those that he bought after we were married are pretty intense. How wrong is it of me to hate those? How unreasonable is it for me to want them GONE? I'll even help him replace them (he has indicated an interest in shopping together.) I'm not rejecting who he is, but I can't stomach what it took away from "us" for so many years...
So.. this morning, I realized that we are left with two different issues. There is almost a line in my mind dividing my life before September 17 and my life after. When I think about the after, I feel a little breathless with excitement and anticipation and nervousness - like a virgin on her wedding night. Thinking about the before though, is...painful. I need to work through the discovery that my spouse was unfaithful to me. He took away so much from my marriage, dividing himself between me and "the other woman." oh, I know in my head that he really didn't have an affair, but it sure feels like he did...
Just so you know, we did discuss most of this this morning - and the sex afterwards was good. I think that we have just defined our first boundary. We need to deal with the "before" part of each and every little piece of his as we introduce it into our marriage so that we don't taint the "after" part. Make sense?
The Bad part came afterwards when, instead of focusing on the beauty of the moment, I focused on "me" and "before". It tainted, a little bit, the Good. The crux of my self-consciousness: Last week, after my discovery, I had asked him if he found me sexually exciting. I'll give him credit for answering that honestly, but oh, did the answer hurt!!! He finds women sexually exciting, but not necessarily me. Wow. Wow. Wow. Follow-up questions revealed that it's mostly my excess weight/visual issue for him, but that because he loves me, he can get past it. I guess I can understand that, but last night, it was very prominent in my mind. I hid behind him when we stood in front of the mirror - when he was being "visual" and looking at himself. I didn't want him to see me in the picture with him. Instead of thinking about him, all I wanted to do was hide myself under the covers... It was much better for me when we moved away from the mirror and toward the bed.
The Ugly:
The "Before". It came to the forefront of my mind as I looked through his clothes. As I browsed through them, all I could think about was "Where was I when he bought this? How many times has he lied to me? How much planning went into his lies? How much has he taken away from me?? Our marriage?? Our sex life?? How did I not know?? After the sex, these thoughts circled and circled around in my mind. Again, to his credit, William is being as supportive as he possibly can be . He laid awake as long as I needed him to in order to answer my questions. Despite all the thoughts in my mind, I only needed to ask a few questions - the biggest one that I am still thinking about - which items were bought before our marriage and which ones were purchased afterwards? I feel that I am truly okay with the ones purchased before, but my feelings about those that he bought after we were married are pretty intense. How wrong is it of me to hate those? How unreasonable is it for me to want them GONE? I'll even help him replace them (he has indicated an interest in shopping together.) I'm not rejecting who he is, but I can't stomach what it took away from "us" for so many years...
So.. this morning, I realized that we are left with two different issues. There is almost a line in my mind dividing my life before September 17 and my life after. When I think about the after, I feel a little breathless with excitement and anticipation and nervousness - like a virgin on her wedding night. Thinking about the before though, is...painful. I need to work through the discovery that my spouse was unfaithful to me. He took away so much from my marriage, dividing himself between me and "the other woman." oh, I know in my head that he really didn't have an affair, but it sure feels like he did...
Just so you know, we did discuss most of this this morning - and the sex afterwards was good. I think that we have just defined our first boundary. We need to deal with the "before" part of each and every little piece of his as we introduce it into our marriage so that we don't taint the "after" part. Make sense?
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