I Never Saw a Thing...

"Prior to Sept 17th, I was just driving down the highway of my life...happy, driving. Going pretty fast, but clear on where I was and where I was going. When out of nowhere...BAM! - The next thing I knew, I was in the middle of nowhere. And I never saw it coming. I feel like the old cliche "Honestly, officer, I never saw a thing..." And afterwards...nothing looked right, nothing looked familiar. I think that I've been racing around, at about 100 mph, the last two weeks, looking for something familiar, something I recognize, something to lead me back to the road that I was on. But I'm starting to realize that my old life is lost. Lost forever. And I'm out here, in uncharted territory, all alone. Imagine how this would feel to you..."

This analogy came to me yesterday as I was trying make my spouse understand exactly how I was feeling. My entire life has changed. The foundation of my relationship with my spouse has been shaken. I am alone, now, like I have never been before. Those friends that I could always tell everything to, can no longer be the same intimate friends that they once were. I feel alone in my circle because, now, I have a secret to keep...all alone. And the only other person who knows it is the person who caused this pain to begin with.

Yesterday was...not peaceful. But last night, it occurred to me that I could stop racing around trying to find something that is gone. It occurred to me that maybe I could slow down a little. Maybe I should slow down a little. Maybe I should even think about stopping to look at the scenery here...where I am now. Yesterday, this thought was terrifying - because I have no idea where I am, maybe I'm on quicksand? Maybe it's dark out there... It's scary.

But today, I'm feeling that maybe, probably, the sun is shining out there. Maybe there are flowers and grass to look at here - where I am now. And just maybe, because I still know where my destination is, I can find my way to where I want to end up. And yes, my world has shrunk, but I need to focus on the fact that I am not alone. I am still very frightened and I'm still glancing around for my old road, and sometimes, I panic and start racing again. But my spouse is with me. And I am relying on him to help us forge a new road together.