Tuesday, October 6, 2009

The Storm is Easing

The Eye of the Storm has passed, I think. There is still wind, rain, and darkness, but the eye has passed and we are on the backside of it.

My William is baffled, a bit, by the "ease" which I have accepted the outer vestiges of this - the clothing, the wig, the make-up. The fact that all of this turns him on. This is the part that he was afraid I would not be able to accept. He says that he is surprised by the depth of the feelings that I have about the secrecy, the violation of my trust, the lies and deceit. In the years before my discovery, he had convinced himself that he was hurting no-one and it never occurred to him that I might feel differently. That I would feel like he was cheating on me.

Early on in this process, when I was still trying to even grasp what this was, I offered him an option - we stay married and be a couple in every sense of the word except sex. For that, he could do "his own thing" and I would go out and satisfy my needs as necessary. He said "no. Absolutely not." I asked him "why?" He said "because that is not what marriage is. That is not what I want. I do not want you to go outside of our relationship for sex." So. ... Ditto.

And I do believe that William understands this. He understands why his need to make love to himself as a woman is not acceptable to me. We are continuing to incorporate bits and pieces of the dressing piece of this into our relationship. With two small children around 24/7, it's hard to take the time for the painted fingernails, make-up, wig, etc, but that will likely be the next step - and I'm okay with that. Not only am I willing to do this, in some ways, I am very excited about it also. I am excited about the toys and the porn (I am one of those strange women who actually likes porn - William knew that at one time, but forgot it, I think.). We are slowing redefining our relationship in many ways (more ways that he ever thought!) But...

I seem to always end my blogs with questions. Our story is not yet done, nor will it be, I'm thinking, for a long time. So my questions continue, thankfully NOT as loud and urgent as before, but still there nonetheless... Will this be enough for him? Will his compulsion to be by himself force him to do things that, when not turned on, he really does not want to do? Only time will tell, I guess. We are still in therapy. So far, we are both happy with the therapist. And while William is hesitant to explore this side of himself, he is willing for the sake of our marriage, so I am ever hopeful.

As I said in the beginning of this blog, the eye of the storm inside me has passed and we are on the back-side...I think.


  1. This is good news

    I wish you both well.

    I was about to say 'your husband doesn't know how lucky he' but I suspect he actually does know. He may not know how to express his appreciation for you - but that doesn't mean to say he isn't appreciative (we're men - as much as we like to dress as women we still don't do expressive feelings very well..in fact we're probably pretty terrible at it).

    I said this previously but your approach to this has been exceptional and I'm kind of jealous of your husband that he was able to find someone such as you who could have accepted this in the way you have.

    I've been unable to form any kind of meaningful relationships with women for the most part of my life because I let this paralyse me - I fear rejection so much that it prevents me from engaging in the way I would like to. So yes..I'm very jealous of William.

    Good luck to you both.

  2. You are one amazing woman! Hooking up with you must have been the best thing William have ever done! He'd better take good care of you... Tell him I said so...


  3. thank you. I needed to hear that today.