Monday, March 26, 2012

2012 Update

Yes, we are still alive!  and I thought it high-time for an update!

It's been 2-1/2 years since I discovered William's secret.  Seems like it's been a lifetime.  We've made a few changes in our relationship, added a few kids - gotten even busier if that's possible.  We've had our share of ups and downs, (thankfully, more ups than downs) and today, life is good.  I am more in love with him than I ever have been and, I think, he is with me - and that love and commitment gets us through the down times.

In trying to decide what to write here today, I came up with a list of what has changed for the better in our lives.  What has made this whole journey worthwhile.

My list starts with the fact that I've become more than William's spouse; I've become his friend and confidante.  William actually talks to me now about his work, about his thoughts, about things that matter to him, about stuff he NEVER talked about before.  It certainly didn't happen overnight.  I really started noticing it about a year or so after discovery and it's continued to blossom.  Along with that, he also LISTENS to me. No more emailing him so that he will remember dates/times/events, etc.

Marriage creates a TEAM - and, sometimes, in order to be part of a team, you have to admit your weaknesses.  William has learned to do that.  An example of this:  pre-discovery, William refused to admit he was sick or in pain.  I can remember one time, he literally couldn't get up off the floor because he threw his back out - and he would barely admit that he was hurting.  And woe to me if I even offered to fix him soup or get him medicine when he was sick!  Jeez!  Now, though, he'll tell me if his back is hurting or if his allergies are bugging him.  And I can help take care of him when he is sick - just like he helps take care of me when I am sick.  It must be nice - not having to be the "strong" one all the time.  William certainly seems less stressed - and that can only be good.

We actually have a regular sex life!  We are still actively incorporating his fantasies into our activities.  Sometime too much so, but I only have to say so and it re-balances out.  My only issue is that he still has to call the shots as far as timing.  His sex drive peaks mid-afternoon, by evening, he's not interested.  It can be frustrating at times for me, but we are working on it.  It doesn't help that I'm NOT a morning person when it comes to sex. 

What has NOT changed is AGP. It still is a major influence in our lives.  I had really hoped that if we indulged some of the fantasies, some of the aspects of AGP would dissipate.  But just as an alcoholic never stops craving alcohol, William still craves the solo piece of AGP.  And he says that while the ability to control himself has improved, the desire to indulge privately has not.  Honestly, that makes me very sad.  That the misdirected target of his desires - himself- is a reality that we will always have to deal with.

William has had the occasional bout of "cheating" (three that I am aware of in 2-1/2 years) - this last Christmas was tough as I discovered that he was indulging himself yet again.  The good news is that we continue to talk and work through the problems.  William agrees that solo activities are NOT conducive to a good marriage.  At least, not for me or consequently, us.  So we journey on...together.

And take it one day at a time.  And today is a good day.