Monday, March 26, 2012

2012 Update

Yes, we are still alive!  and I thought it high-time for an update!

It's been 2-1/2 years since I discovered William's secret.  Seems like it's been a lifetime.  We've made a few changes in our relationship, added a few kids - gotten even busier if that's possible.  We've had our share of ups and downs, (thankfully, more ups than downs) and today, life is good.  I am more in love with him than I ever have been and, I think, he is with me - and that love and commitment gets us through the down times.

In trying to decide what to write here today, I came up with a list of what has changed for the better in our lives.  What has made this whole journey worthwhile.

My list starts with the fact that I've become more than William's spouse; I've become his friend and confidante.  William actually talks to me now about his work, about his thoughts, about things that matter to him, about stuff he NEVER talked about before.  It certainly didn't happen overnight.  I really started noticing it about a year or so after discovery and it's continued to blossom.  Along with that, he also LISTENS to me. No more emailing him so that he will remember dates/times/events, etc.

Marriage creates a TEAM - and, sometimes, in order to be part of a team, you have to admit your weaknesses.  William has learned to do that.  An example of this:  pre-discovery, William refused to admit he was sick or in pain.  I can remember one time, he literally couldn't get up off the floor because he threw his back out - and he would barely admit that he was hurting.  And woe to me if I even offered to fix him soup or get him medicine when he was sick!  Jeez!  Now, though, he'll tell me if his back is hurting or if his allergies are bugging him.  And I can help take care of him when he is sick - just like he helps take care of me when I am sick.  It must be nice - not having to be the "strong" one all the time.  William certainly seems less stressed - and that can only be good.

We actually have a regular sex life!  We are still actively incorporating his fantasies into our activities.  Sometime too much so, but I only have to say so and it re-balances out.  My only issue is that he still has to call the shots as far as timing.  His sex drive peaks mid-afternoon, by evening, he's not interested.  It can be frustrating at times for me, but we are working on it.  It doesn't help that I'm NOT a morning person when it comes to sex. 

What has NOT changed is AGP. It still is a major influence in our lives.  I had really hoped that if we indulged some of the fantasies, some of the aspects of AGP would dissipate.  But just as an alcoholic never stops craving alcohol, William still craves the solo piece of AGP.  And he says that while the ability to control himself has improved, the desire to indulge privately has not.  Honestly, that makes me very sad.  That the misdirected target of his desires - himself- is a reality that we will always have to deal with.

William has had the occasional bout of "cheating" (three that I am aware of in 2-1/2 years) - this last Christmas was tough as I discovered that he was indulging himself yet again.  The good news is that we continue to talk and work through the problems.  William agrees that solo activities are NOT conducive to a good marriage.  At least, not for me or consequently, us.  So we journey on...together.

And take it one day at a time.  And today is a good day.


  1. It is good to hear from the two of you again, and I am glad that you are doing well!

  2. "I had really hoped that if we indulged some of the fantasies, some of the aspects of AGP would dissipate."

    This is sooooo sad! ._. sorry! i had to say it! AGP never dissipates as your hetero-normative sexuality will never dissipates either. You can't pretend your husbands's sexuality dissipates, AGP is not a disease or paraphilia, it is a natural and healthy variety of human sexuality.

    You are not a hero for tolerating your husband's sexuality: you love him or not, as simple as that.

    Also, pretending a man stops masturbating is naive. Even cismales do it, and with more frequency than you think. In fact, it is frequent that most of them think about other women while they have intercourse with you. That is a fact. Masturbation is a right everybody has to be in tune with their bodies, a self discovering.

    I apologize if my honesty offends, I didn't mean it (it is always tricky to be honest online bc u r not seeing my face or hearing my tone of voice) I just wanted to let you know a different insight, since I am a biological female like you. I'd feel so happy and lucky if i had a husband with AGP. (I have AAP in case u start wondering why someone would want such a thing)

    Greetings and I really wish you the best.


  3. Ariadna, Thanks for your comments, I'm not at all offended. I can see that a male with AGP would be your sexual soul-mate. Just goes to show that there is someone out there for each of us! If only it were easier to find them... {smile}

    When it comes to AGP, it's hard to know what is innate/biological and what is conditioned. I had hoped that being about to indulge the cross-dressing/sex fantasies in OUR sex life together would satisfy ALL his needs, but it hasn't fully. You are right - the whole thing has a tinge of sadness to it, but at the same time, it just "is what it is." It's really just a learning process for both of us us - discovering what AGP actually entails for William and what it means for us as a couple.

    Masturbation is a tricky subject in our marriage. I completely agree that masturbation is normal. But for William, it becomes all-consuming - to the point of affecting our marriage. I have discovered his "cheating", not because he has confessed, but because I notice that all those little things in our marriage that have changed for the better start to disappear again. When I confront him with the "signs" - he admits it. If he could ever self-indulge regularly and still maintain his focus in our marriage, I probably wouldn't mind so much - but he can't (at least not yet). And I have no desire to go back to the relationship we had BEFORE my discovery. In spite of the problems, THIS relationship is ever so much better - even he says so! So for us, I think NO regular masturbation is best, at least for now...

    1. SusanneMar 29, 2012 09:09 AM

      oh, and Ariadna, you are 100% correct - I am NOT a hero. I have gotten a lot of accolades for being able to "tolerate" or "accept" AGP, but honestly, I am just a woman who is in love with her husband. And I feel very blessed to have a husband who is truly in love with me as well.

  4. I found out 2 1/2 years ago that my husband liked to crossdress...I have read your blog from the beginning and realize that he may be AGP-most of what your husband does mine does too. What I am jealous of is the fact that your husband will talk to you and try to explain it to you as best as he can. My journey has been much slower...he will tell me things but only while being intimate and if I ask..even then I have no idea if he is telling me the truth or not. From the beginning I knew I had to play the "this doesn't really bother me" card or he would become more closed. I have gone to see a specialist in this area. It helped a lot. He would NEVER go and in fact it would most likely distroy our marriage if I insisted he go. At any rate, our marriage has gotten stronger, he talks to me more about many things -even asks about my day! Our sex life has exploded...we frequently play out his fantasy. I think he feels happy that I am accepting of this. The solo acts are what I still struggle with. He is a doctor and has plenty of time he has to go to his office and stay late...and well my mind races during those times. I have noticed that those staying late times or going in on the weekend to do "paperwork" have lessened to some degree. -still it is when I am the most nervous... I have a big problem with it ..even though I look at porn sometimes and masterbate.....hmmm Your blog has helped me understand this and come to better terms with it. Thank you

  5. @ Jennifer - the whole point of my blogging was to help other spouses, so I'm so glad to hear it has helped you! And I am always happy to hear of other couples trying to work through this. It helps bolster my whole "honesty is best" argument.

    The whole "solo" thing is hard. Masturbation IS normal, but when a spouse feels it is preferred over herself, know as well as I, that's when it's hard to accept. I think I could deal with it much better if I thought it was a substitute for ME versus the other way around...

    Thanks for commenting! :) God Bless and Good Luck!

    1. Suzanne,

      Thanks for the update. It is so refreshing to hear how well you and your husband are doing. So many with AGP have wives who will not accept any part of it in the relationship and their lives are a struggle because of it.

      Also compulsive or even frequent masturbation for any individual in a marriage or relationship can be a real problem if it is impairing sexual intimacy. I know for me it has resulted in intimacy issues with girlfriends in the past and I have curtailed it significantly in my life so it will hopefully not be a problem in a future relationship.

  6. I really admire your honesty and your writting is touching.

    I am a highy introspective AGP. I have an analytical mind and have researched this topic extensively. As a result I have developed my own theories and I would like share them with you in the hope that they may answer some of your questions.

    Your husband's brain is conditioned, "hard-wired", to release dopamine and other neurotransmitters when he feminizes himself. It is just as if his brain interprets cross-dressing as actual contact with a female. These neurotransmitters produce the sensations of well-being, pleasure, sexual gratification and self-identity that he craves. They affect the reward centers of his brain, that is why it mimics the addiction response.

    Technically, he really doesn't love to dress up as his female alter-ego. He love the sensations from the neurotransmitters and he is just using cross-dressing as the tool to get his brain to release them.

    His cross-dressing and masturbation are linked by the neurotransmitters. They both release similar neurotransmitters. When he masturbates his brain releases a sudden rush of neurotransmitters when he climaxes. So much so, that immediately after the climax he experiences a temporary depletion of them. For a few minutes he does not have his precious neurotransmitters. At that moment he does not feel like a AGP. He may feel disgusted with himself. Of course, he returns to "normal" in a few minutes.

    The way the brain works: If he does the same thing over, and over, and over, the brain fatigues and releases lower levels of neurotransmitters. If he wants to enjoy the higher levels of neurotransmitters, then he will have to go further and further with his AGP, and take greater risks.

    Masturbation is one way he gets his brain to release high levels of neurotransmitters without enhanced feminization.

    One complaint that is often heard from wives of cross-dressers, is that they feel like their husband's second love. To avoid this the wife needs to develop a sense of control, and security. How? Basically, she needs to set the limits to his cross-dressing and he needs to try his best to live within those limits. This requires open communication, a willingness to respond to each other's needs, an ability to compromise at times, and lots of love.

    Finally, how did he get this way? After all most men feel nothing but embarrassment from cross-dressing. Why is he different? No one can say exactly why his brain is hard-wired to respond this way. However, many report that in their very early childhood, they over-valued females. They thought girls had it better in life than boys. They may have thought that parents preferred girls over boys. They may have thought that girls were better, smarter, prettier, and more virtuous. In any event, their brain did something to compensate for this short-coming. Finally, when they reached puberty and they first learned about sexual stimulation, their brain was ready to interpret cross-dressing as contact with a female.


  7. I've just found your blog and WOW. I've only recently found out about my Husband and I thought I was the only one. Even though over the last 25 years I've had my suspicions he never came out and told me. But he sat me down a few months ago and told me. The occasional dressing and the role play are great, I'm probably the kinky one in our realationship so it's just another twist on things to me. It's the self gratification, the cheating that I can't stand. No matter how much he says it's not it feels like it to me. How the hell can you compete with a pure fantasy. I'm like the previous comment, to suggest he seeks therapy would probably put him well and truly back in the closet.It's so far been a long hard road trying to get him to open up and I don't want him to go back into his little closet again. So thank you for being open and honest, you are giving me the stregnth to try and work through this to save our marriage. X

    1. @ Anonymous - thanks - and good luck! and no matter what happens, you are not alone! I suspect that there are more of us out here than even we know...

  8. It seems to me that this is all about power.

    Perhaps a recogition of the power of the wife. The power of women.

    Boys are pretty disempowered really.
    To get that neurotransmitter sexual release, the boy thinks about power and what does he think about? A girl.

    But if he masturbates, well that shorts the girl / woman out of the loop. She is not in control of him. She is not in control of the marraige or the sex.

    It looks to me like we have a power struggle.

    Look at some of the wording in the blog. "We are..." "working". Basically the women are trying to take back control from their weak husbands. They have to "Fix" their husbands.

    You know I actually agree with the no masturbation thing.