A Few Course Corrections

This week has been very productive for William and I. Getting all of the anger and pain out in the open last week was actually a good thing. A few other things happened this week that has led to us making a few changes - "course corrections" according to our therapist - in our approach to incorporating William's world into our relationship.

The first correction is in how we are communicating. Up until this week, any discussion involving this subject usually dissolved into one or both of us getting upset and/or defensive. We learned this week that verbally identifying the intent behind a question or request is very helpful in diffusing that toxicity. We were able to have a very intense discussion on Tuesday this week without either one of us getting upset...and it was one of the most productive conversations to date.

William also had an epiphany this week. He learned that he knows nothing about what I like in the bedroom. It's not that I never told him or tried to share it with him; it was "selective memory" on his part. This realization took him a bit aback; it was a very solid piece of evidence showing him that his choices had really affected us. And even worse, I had forgotten what I liked in the bedroom. The truth is that we've had seven years of "quickies", not meaningful sex. William followed up his epiphany with sincere efforts to identify MY needs in the bedroom. And, boy, did he do it right! For the first time, he was able to demonstrate that he was capable of fulfilling my needs. Wow. And just as important to me, he was able to meet my needs and still enjoy himself. His response to this discovery showed me that he truly "got" it. And even more importantly, he gets that the changes that he is making need to be lifelong ones. This has helped immensely to lessen my anxiety. I feel like if he "gets" it, he'll be less likely to fall back into his old habits.

William's efforts made me happy, then, to work to identify what was not working for him in our efforts to satisfy his needs. Our stated goal was to try to fulfill his needs to the maximum degree possible while making sure that I was okay with what was happening. We were able to set aside a few hours this week to experiment a bit. William was very good about making sure that my feelings were taken into consideration during our session. He reported afterward that the changes we made were good ones and he was very satisfied with what we did together. And absolutely just as importantly, I enjoyed myself also.

Our most important realization this week is that the focus of our efforts needs to be on both of us. We both need to work to make sure that both of us are satisfied in whatever we do. We understand that there will have to be some changes and compromises, this can't be about just one of us, but at the same time, the truth is that if either of us has to give up an important part of themselves, this won't work.

And so our journey continues...together.

Hidden Reservoirs

Thursday evening, William and I were discussing our "activities" in the bedroom to date. These are the words that William chose to express his feelings: "while what we have been doing in the bedroom has been fun, it is not as fulfilling or completely satisfying as what [he] had been doing on his own." oh. my. God. As if those words didn't cause enough hurt on their own, William also unknowingly tapped a hidden reservoir of hurt, pain and anger that I didn't even know was there. The bucket turned into a wellspring and all those feelings that had been buried inside came welling up to the surface and completely spilled over. You can imagine our "conversation" from there. It was NOT pretty. My face was swollen the next day from all the crying that I did.

Fortunately, our appointment with the therapist was on Friday morning, so we were able to continue our "discussion" with some assistance. It did help....and I felt better this morning.

Right now, I am choosing not to go into great detail about my hurt and pain, but in a nutshell, my feelings are a result of the choices that William made over the past seven years and the effect that those choices had on our relationship. Prior to my discovery, William believed that the efforts that he made to act on his fantasies in secret affected only him. But that is not the reality. There were then -and still are now - repercussions from his past choices. And we have to deal with them.

I can accept who he is now with little effort. But apparently, based on what happened Thursday and Friday, I am still working to come to terms with who he has been for the past seven years. I fervently hope that we have tapped the last of any hidden reservoirs of negative feelings that I have, but I don't know. There may still be consequences for us to deal with over the upcoming weeks, months and maybe even years.

Love, committment and communication - all are healing, but it still takes time...

One Month Later

It's actually closer to 5 weeks since my discovery, but life has interfered a bit with my blogging. The fact that this blog is not my first priority any more is actually a positive thing. It means that things are calm...and William and I are good. Very good. My last major upset was the email address episode. The bucket next to me has shrunk even farther. In many ways, our life outside the bedroom has returned to "normal". I have been able to go out in the evening with friends, leaving William home alone - and not worry about what he was doing. That is a huge step for me.

We are still working with a therapist -and he has been very helpful. Our primary focus has shifted from "how is Susanne handling this?" to "we need to work on our relationship skills." You see, William has spent over 40 years hiding himself from the world. It is requiring conscious effort on his part to open up to me, to bring me into his world. His communication skills (regarding our relationship) are quite poor. His historical preference has been to satisfy his own needs and not even consciously identify them, much less verbalize them. So, in some ways, his adjustment to this is even harder than mine.

Last week, our therapist talked with us about our path through this unknown territory and defining the clues we will see that tell us if we are on the "right" path or the "wrong" path. William's first response was that he will "feel that it's the right path." I'm not sure, however, that I trust his "feelings" in this particular case. William and I discussed this further at home and came up with some more concrete signs, such as "if he has to lie about what he is doing" or "if he is keeping something hidden from me, no matter how small" - those are signs that he is getting off the right path. The right path includes expressing his needs to me - something that he struggles to do. Actually, William is doing quite well with all of this, but the fact that it continues to be an effort means that we will be continuing therapy for quite awhile.

One Step Back, Two Steps Forward

The "mass" hanging over my head has shrunk to the point where it fits into a bucket next to me. It's full of all of the negative emotions that are primarily associated with my feelings about the past and the "affair" that I feel William had. Every so often, I learn of something new that he did (or get enough detail about something that it changes my mental picture of what happened and makes it new). When that happens, the "new information" gets dumped into the bucket and is stirred up...along with all the bad feelings that I have about the lying and scheming that went on for so long. Fortunately, most days, the bucket settles quickly enough, it usually only takes a hug and "I love you" from William to make the pain goes away. And those times occur less and less.

Last Thursday was a wonderful day - my best to date. Then Friday also went well, then Saturday, - three whole wonderful days! But then Sunday hit. And my brother came to visit. My brother who is on the verge of divorcing his wife. He feels alone in his marriage; his wife doesn't love him. He told me of his efforts to try to communicate with her about his feelings...and her lack of response...and told me of his pain over that. It really stirred the "bucket". Unfortunately, I didn't get much of a chance to talk to William that evening and the pain got a chance to take hold...and started to cause problems.


So Monday started off not great...and got worse. A little devil sat on my shoulder and whispered into my ear all day "he lied to you for all those years, habits are hard to break. How would you know? He's very practiced at deceiving you. Are you sure you know everything?" And I told him, "William loves me. He had convinced himself that he was harming no one - he didn't do it on purpose. He loves me." Then the little devil whispered "Like an alcoholic, he could convince himself again that this would be a one time thing. And it could happen again. Are you sure that you know everything?" Until that damn devil got the best of me and I decided that I needed to look through William's email. My hope was to find NOTHING to shut that little devil up, but instead, I found...well, something. I found evidence of a secret email address. William had covered his tracks well, but I happened upon a copy of a year-old email that he had forwarded to his secret address and had forgotten to delete. So I found it. And, oh boy, that bucket completely spilled over.


William was out for the evening, but I couldn't wait and called him. To his credit, he gave me his password and told me what he thought I would find there. He was right - except he forgot about the email regarding a profile that he had started on a ts-dating website. Ouch! It was rather ugly when he got home. He tried to walk away once, but I didn't let him. He did have an explanation. He said that that he was looking at photos of men in lingerie, not trying to meet them. I already knew about the photos of shemales that he had downloaded, so his view is that this was not new information. He felt that he didn't lie. But he did admit that he had chosen not to tell me about the email account because he thought it would cause me more pain. I'm not sure what I think about that.



So...where am I today? Well, partly, I'm relieved. I actually do believe William when he said that he had not used the site to meet others (it helped that he never completed his profile and the last log in date was the date that he registered.) And I'm very glad that I didn't find anything else - it reassured me that he is telling me the "big truths" - and that what he is not telling me is not as big as my mind sometimes makes it out to be. So in some ways, my looking was not a bad thing.

But really, it was. A bad thing to do. And I'm mostly very sorry that I ever did it to begin with. I violated William with that action. It was a big mistake on my part and I've been thinking about it all day long. The realization I came to today is, that in order for us to succeed, I must trust William. While I may be rightfully angry over his keeping the secret for all those years, the truth is that he did not choose to tell me his secret, I found it out. And now that I know, I must prove to him that I am trustworthy to keep it. And to do that, I do demand that he reveal himself fully to me, but I must also allow him to do it in his way and his time. I must trust him when he says that he loves me and that he is now actively working to put us first. I must show him the trust that I am asking him to show me. Because the reality is, if I fail to do this, he is fully capable of continuing to live the lie again without me ever knowing. And that is unacceptable to me.

I have a new dream. A dream where William and I create a world where we can both live happily, able to express our needs to one another, knowing that our partner is there to meet those needs, no matter what they are. And I must do my part to create that world. So tonight, I apologized to William for my actions yesterday. I gave him permission to change the password on his email account so that I cannot access it. He deserves to be able to have some privacy - and as difficult as it is for me, I will choose to trust that he will not abuse it. You should have seen William's face...

I am writing this story down so that you all know that there ARE and WILL be bad days. And sadly, sometimes one partner will do something to hurt the other partner. But if you love each other, you must ask forgiveness and then allow yourself to be forgiven. Know that just because we have a bad day now and then, and just because this is not easy for either of us, it doesn't mean that we are going to fail. In fact, quite the opposite. The more we weather, the stronger our foundation becomes. We are both committed to one another. We both love one another. And tonight, we are both more than okay, we are awesome.

So What does this all mean for US?

I have done a lot of reading about autogynephilia - and other "variances" on the sex/gender spectrum. Most of it is controversial. Blanchard and Bailey managed to piss off a whole lot of folks who then completely rejected their theories - threw the baby out with the bath water, so to speak. Myself - I think there is a lot more truth to their theory than anyone knows. I believe that Blanchard and Bailey got most of the information they used to develop their theory on autogynephilia from persons who fell on the far right side of this spectrum. Persons who had gone far enough that they were either living as women or were considering SRS. I personally believe that there are a lot more males out there who are closer to the middle or lefthand side of that spectrum who have just never gotten their information out there to balance the theory. Some of these men are ashamed of their feelings and try to bury them; some express them privately and/or in secret; while still others try to express them within the confines of a heterosexual relationship (ie. "pegging.").

I've read about the sex/gender issue not being binary, but comprised of multiple dimensions of birth gender/physical characteristics, emotion gender, mental gender and sexual desire. This would imply a 3 or 4 dimensional plane on which we fall as opposed to the 4-boxed graph of heterosexual/homosexual male/female. The problem with this is that it places an individual at a specific point on that plan and implies that it is fixed. But is it?

"Spectrum" is another term that some use to explain sex/gender issues. I live on a spectrum of a different sort every day. My son has some sensory issues which fall on the left side of the Sensory-Asberger Syndrome-Autism spectrum. He actually does not fall on a single "spot"; his is more of a "range." His location within the "range" and even the location of the "range" itself is somewhat dependent on other forces like his diet, the weather, his allergies and his activities. So I completely understand "spectrum"...and in some ways, it fits better...but it's still a pretty straight line.

So then I consider William's story. He has said that this started when he was a child wearing his sister's underwear. He then progressing to wearing lingerie and high heels as a young adult. Wigs, make-up and painted fingernails started after that. He didn't start using toys to penetrate himself until about three years ago. He has gone as far as having an ejaculating dildo that he deep-throats. He said that it was "taking the next step in his exploration of himself as a woman." Step" implies more of a "path" than a spectrum. He also spoke of being "compelled". So where is he being taken? He tries hard not to think of it.

And I don't know either. I have to confess, after a few weeks of trying to read and understand what my husband is, I got a mental picture that looked a bit like this:

I mentally placed my husband somewhere in the middle of the graph, still on "autogynephilia" line, but very close to where it branches. But is this path inevitable? or would he get to choose where he would stop? "Compelled" to take the next step implies no. And as a spouse, that can be rather scary.

But after three weeks of us trying to work this into our relationship, my mental picture of this graph has changed. William says that in some ways, the difference in our sex life is the same as "taking the next step." So my new mental picture of autogynephilia is that it is a multi-branched path that more resembles more a game of Chutes and Ladders than a straight line.
Every "step" that we take could potentially take him off this new path via a chute or ladder and put him on a completely different path...or can he be taken back to the same path? I don't know. Maybe.

I do believe William when he says that he is committed to me and our relationship. At some point in this, he does have a choice. A choice to act on his impulses and his drives...or to not. By including me in this secret, he now has a third choice. He can ask me to try to fulfill the fantasy with him. Yes, it's not alone, so in some ways, it's maybe it won't be as good as the fantasy. But, in some fashion, isn't that what fantasies are...something unattainable?

Sex, Love and Everything Else

I love the Internet. I love the idea that I can look up all sorts of information and I love the fact that I can talk to others anonymously. Anonymous' comment on my last post got me to thinking more about this. Have you heard of the book that discusses how men and women think differently? Yes, I know there are a million of them. The one I'm thinking of, though, says that men have brains like boxes on shelving units. They compartmentalize themselves into little bits and pieces and, generally, only deal with one "box" at a time. Most men actually have trouble with mental multi-tasking or dealing with more than one box at a time. Women, though, have brains that are more like a plate of spaghetti. Every piece, while separate, touches every other piece on the plate. That's why women talk about everything at once and are great mental multi-taskers. This theory also explains why most men feel that sex and love are separate. That sex is just sex - and that's all it is. For most women, though, sex and love are intertwined. And those strands touch every other strand of their lives. I find this theory to be completely accurate in describing William and myself. And this is partly why I completely believe William when he says that he feels male/masculine, despite what he is doing to and with himself. If he felt like a woman, I think he would understand my "processing" better than he does. (He gets brownie points for trying, though!) And this is also partly why the term "autogynephiliac" fits William better than "transsexual."

When I first discovered William's secret, I took to the Internet. I tried to figure out why he was doing this. It was immediately obvious to me that this was more than just cross-dressing; one look at the photos told me that. This was a man/woman coming on to himself through the pictures, not just dressing up. I could find information about spouses of transvestites, but that wasn't ALL there was to our story. I could find some information about spouses of transsexuals (as limited as it is), but that didn't seem to fit either. And what I did find told their stories, they were told from the perspective of someone who had already reached their destination; someone who was already comfortable where they were at. They weren't quite detailed enough for me. ("It's not personal, so get over it" wasn't very helpful in those first few days.) For those spouses that still in their journey, there are discussion forums, but they are cumbersome and most of them are closed until your application to join is approved. (I'm still waiting for some of my apps to be approved - 3 weeks later.)

But there was absolutely nothing out there for spouses of those people who fall somewhere in between. No guide book for me to use in navigating my way though this. No road map to tell me where this was even leading. I began blogging as a way to process my feelings, but I certainly hope that if there is someone else out there like me, a straight spouse of a man who is not even certain of his location in the gender/sexuality plain, then this might help them. On Day One of my journey, I was kicked in the head and knocked for a loop. By Day Fourteen, I was feeling...better. Today is Day 21 and while the tough part is certainly not over, it is considerably better than it was. My mental picture of my own journey through this is one that takes place through fog. Periodically, I come to a place where the fog thins, breaks up even and I can see the sun and where I'm going. Then I hit the fog again. When I am in the sunlight, I look forward to our new life together. The intimacy that this brings could potentially be better than anything else I'd ever dreamed of. It's just different. I'm very much looking forward to the day when I'm out of the fog completely and can bask in the sunlight forever.

A man reading this might not interpret my writing in the same way that a woman would - and that's perfectly okay. Their comments show me William's perspective - and I find that very helpful when trying to explain to him what my side looks like. And with both of us working to understand the other person's perspective in this relationship - well, this can be my new fairytale dream.

As I said at the beginning of this blog...sex, love and every other aspect of my life intertwine...

Forgiveness

I remember someone telling me once that forgiveness is NOT a single event, but rather an on-going process. This is also my experience.

While the storm is lessening, it still rages on sometimes. I am so sad today. Last night, William and I discussed the path that this has taken over the past several years. The details of what he has done cut into me like a knife. I can hardly believe that I am not bleeding. I think it's the first time that he realized for himself how much more time he spent on loving the woman within him - far more time than he has ever spent loving me. I am grieving the loss of my fairytale - the one where I am my husband's Everything. Today, I can hardly breathe, the pain and anguish are overwhelming, thinking about what he has taken from me...from us, over the last seven years. My chest hurts so much and my throat closes trying to keep the tears in. William was home for lunch today, but I didn't want him to see my pain; I don't want my pain to drive him away. I know that he is sorry and did not do this on purpose. So I swallow it down. I bury it deep, but it bubbles back out as anger. I am so angry that William did not tell me about himself earlier. I am so angry that he did not give me the choice, early on, before we were married and before we had children. I know I would have chosen him. The lack of faith and trust that that choice shows really hurts. And then the pain comes back and the cycle starts over. It's a bad day for me.

But then William called...to see how I am doing. He knew I was having a bad day. And like a pressure valve releasing, I spilled over. I told him of my pain and sadness...and I cried. And inside my heart, I forgave him all over again.

This has been my cycle since my discovery. I feel like this huge mass is hanging over my head. And I can only process little bits and pieces of it at a time. I get upset during the "processing phase" and then I am able to forgive him for that little bit of it. And the cycle starts over...

Poor William. I know he feels bad and there is nothing more that he can do other than love me, hold me, and give me time to process everything. This is hard for him also, in many ways. He doesn't understand my need to talk, my need to grieve (he's so male that way!) He is trying hard, though. He is here. He is listening to me. I believe that he is being honest with me. He is choosing me now, over the woman within. I have to focus on that, on the positives in our relationship. That's what gets me through the "bad." My marriage vows said "For Better or Worse...'til Death do Us Part." I have never felt those words so strongly in my heart.

So forgiveness is an on-going process - and one that I am willing to work through. Because I love him...