Feelings of Power? or Powerlessness?

Something happened this weekend that has me asking some questions and I'm hoping that some of my readers can offer some insight.

William had a bad day on Saturday. He was out doing "manly-man things" with a few male friends - and things didn't go like he wanted them to. He came home frustrated and irritated with himself. And he'd only been home for about 15 minutes when he came to me and asked me to follow him into the bedroom. He hesitated for only a moment and then confess that he was having an almost uncontrollable urge to dress in [something specific]. He said he was "about ready to come out of his skin. He just needed to do it right now" I asked what he wanted to do after he put the outfit on and he just shrugged. He asked me if he could. It was not the most convenient time (our kids were upstairs playing with a friend), but after considering it, I locked the bedroom door while he went and dressed. It was just the outfit and high heels. He admired himself in the mirror for a minute and then we had sex. It was over pretty quickly. Afterwards, he held me for a few minutes and kissed me. After we dressed in regular clothing, he kissed me again and thanked me - he said that he felt much better.

So...I have tons of thoughts about what happened... To start with, one of the things that I've been reading under the addiction component is that one should never use one's partner as an "object" to satisfy their sexual urges. I agree that this is part of a reasonable definition of a healthy sexual relationship. In this particular case, William did come get me when he felt an extreme urge; he asked me if it was okay - and I said yes; so in that sense, I'm not sure that I was completely "objectified", but I definitely felt that I was not an important piece of the act. It was completely all about him, the way his bum looked in his outfit, his heels - I was superfluous. I also felt that, in the moment, I really didn't have a choice to say "no." Now, obviously I had a choice, but I was definitely worried that if I said no, he would justify going off and doing something for himself - and that was definitely the worse option. (Just for the record - I have NEVER said "no" to him. He's said "no" to me plenty of times, but I have never said "no.")

I brought these questions up to William the next evening. Even though I was not angry (although just talking about this subject continues to bring up some hurt feelings and those can come through as anger) and William tried hard NOT to be defensive, we struggled a bit together to discuss what happened calmly and rationally. And after some discussion, we really didn't come to any big epiphanies. Neither of us are sure if my agreeing to what happened was the "right" thing to do. William admitted that if I had said no, he may have possibly justified going off and satisfying his urges on his own (he continues to maintain that he has not done that since my discovery), so his intent (and hope) in asking me was so that he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our progress. Our hope is now that we have identified some of the "what-ifs" and possibilities inherent in this particular urge of his, in the future, William will be better able to cope with it. He does not want to resort to justifying an action that he knows would hurt us. He stated his hope that by discussing this now, next time he comes to me with an urge, I can help him try to control them- at least until a more convenient time. Eventually, we hope that he can control his urges as opposed to being controlled by them. Wow -this just occurred to me - if we are able to follow through with this, we are truly becoming "partners"...aren't we? sorry, I digress...

My blog doesn't end there, however...
As I have continued to consider what happened, more questions have come to my mind: why then? Why the "almost uncontrollable urge" right then? In an email he wrote a few days later to his brother about the events of that day, he described "putting himself down to his friends first before they had a chance to point out how useless he was." That statement made me pause to consider two posts that I read recently. The first, on http://www.autogynephiliac.blogspot.com/, one of the latest posts briefly described one theory of sexual/social selection as having to do with social "power groups" and the males "plumage" gaining him admittance to such social groups. The second was a comment left on one of my blog postings, Ag_in_Doubt, a self-described AGP, described his theory of AGP as "Through fantasies, [AGP's] escape their actual selves and the intimidating real life sexual reality that is likely to cause them shame and embarrassment. In exchange, they invert the situation and become vessels of sexual power, bestowing untold pleasures and delight upon the kinds of men they think they ought to be...You see, as the regular "us" in our everyday lives, we walk into a room and feel ugly and unnoticed by women - and scorned by the men. Our standing in the sexual pecking order brings nothing but insecurity and shame. But when we BECOME HER, all that is changed. " This felt "right" at the time I read it - it seems even more pertinent now, considering Saturday's events. Was William's need to dress a direct result of his feelings of failure and worthlessness in doing a typically "male" thing? Did he need to regain his power by dressing like a woman, thus becoming "powerful"?

More questions follow in my mind: Does William really consider women the more "powerful" group? And why? I've noticed that William's ideas of what women are and want are not "real." His fantasies are just that...fantasies. I think when he dresses, he becomes what he wants in a woman - again, completely satisfying his own needs himself...

Anyway, to sum up and get to my questions for all of YOU...
I'm still not convinced that AGP fully falls into any defined category out there - gender, sexual orientation, addiction, transvestism, fetish....any and all fit some aspects of this. To better understand how this affects my partner's particular case, I have a few questions for anyone out there who identifies themselves as AGP - do you always want to become female during sex? or is it only sometimes? Have you ever linked your desires with outside feelings or events? Would you agree that it has to do with "power?" What makes it powerful for you? Do you act on your fantasies as soon as they hit? What do you do if you can't act on those urges either immediately or at all?

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12/16 - I edited some of the above post to clarify my questions just a bit...

And I wanted to add that William completely denies that his bad day had anything to do with his actions on Saturday. He denies that it has anything to do with power or feelings of inadequacy. Maybe he's right. I don't know.

Of course, William also denies any TG/TS feelings whatsoever, yet he has a LOT of shemale/TG/TS porn in his collection. He has downloaded several photos of shemales and used them to masturbate to. All of his written fantasy is about males becoming females. He has no explanation for any of those things - or anything he does - except to say that "it's just normal exploration and that [he's] sure that it's not trans-sexual in any way..." Maybe it's not TS/TG, but from my perspective, I'm not sure what else to call it. If it looks like a horse, moves like a horse, etc.

My point being that I'm not sure I can trust his "instincts" about this. I think he continues to fight to remain in the dark about himself. He doesn't want to know why he does the things he does. So how can I believe his answers when I believe that he is lying even to himself. Again, my question is "how can you control something that you don't understand?"

So What does this all mean for US?

I have done a lot of reading about autogynephilia - and other "variances" on the sex/gender spectrum. Most of it is controversial. Blanchard and Bailey managed to piss off a whole lot of folks who then completely rejected their theories - threw the baby out with the bath water, so to speak. Myself - I think there is a lot more truth to their theory than anyone knows. I believe that Blanchard and Bailey got most of the information they used to develop their theory on autogynephilia from persons who fell on the far right side of this spectrum. Persons who had gone far enough that they were either living as women or were considering SRS. I personally believe that there are a lot more males out there who are closer to the middle or lefthand side of that spectrum who have just never gotten their information out there to balance the theory. Some of these men are ashamed of their feelings and try to bury them; some express them privately and/or in secret; while still others try to express them within the confines of a heterosexual relationship (ie. "pegging.").

I've read about the sex/gender issue not being binary, but comprised of multiple dimensions of birth gender/physical characteristics, emotion gender, mental gender and sexual desire. This would imply a 3 or 4 dimensional plane on which we fall as opposed to the 4-boxed graph of heterosexual/homosexual male/female. The problem with this is that it places an individual at a specific point on that plan and implies that it is fixed. But is it?

"Spectrum" is another term that some use to explain sex/gender issues. I live on a spectrum of a different sort every day. My son has some sensory issues which fall on the left side of the Sensory-Asberger Syndrome-Autism spectrum. He actually does not fall on a single "spot"; his is more of a "range." His location within the "range" and even the location of the "range" itself is somewhat dependent on other forces like his diet, the weather, his allergies and his activities. So I completely understand "spectrum"...and in some ways, it fits better...but it's still a pretty straight line.

So then I consider William's story. He has said that this started when he was a child wearing his sister's underwear. He then progressing to wearing lingerie and high heels as a young adult. Wigs, make-up and painted fingernails started after that. He didn't start using toys to penetrate himself until about three years ago. He has gone as far as having an ejaculating dildo that he deep-throats. He said that it was "taking the next step in his exploration of himself as a woman." Step" implies more of a "path" than a spectrum. He also spoke of being "compelled". So where is he being taken? He tries hard not to think of it.

And I don't know either. I have to confess, after a few weeks of trying to read and understand what my husband is, I got a mental picture that looked a bit like this:

I mentally placed my husband somewhere in the middle of the graph, still on "autogynephilia" line, but very close to where it branches. But is this path inevitable? or would he get to choose where he would stop? "Compelled" to take the next step implies no. And as a spouse, that can be rather scary.

But after three weeks of us trying to work this into our relationship, my mental picture of this graph has changed. William says that in some ways, the difference in our sex life is the same as "taking the next step." So my new mental picture of autogynephilia is that it is a multi-branched path that more resembles more a game of Chutes and Ladders than a straight line.
Every "step" that we take could potentially take him off this new path via a chute or ladder and put him on a completely different path...or can he be taken back to the same path? I don't know. Maybe.

I do believe William when he says that he is committed to me and our relationship. At some point in this, he does have a choice. A choice to act on his impulses and his drives...or to not. By including me in this secret, he now has a third choice. He can ask me to try to fulfill the fantasy with him. Yes, it's not alone, so in some ways, it's maybe it won't be as good as the fantasy. But, in some fashion, isn't that what fantasies are...something unattainable?

Random Thoughts...

My cat ran away last night. He literally tore through the window screen and was gone. Shit. Too much pain for me to deal with today. It colors my day in shades of gray... I am sad...

I sit here alone, pondering my life this morning and have several random thoughts that I need to express. To put down on "paper". To get out of my head...

The complicated twisting of male and female - emotionally, physically, sexually. Much of the transgender discussion on the Internet focuses on the obvious, the "easy" part. Feeling that you are one sex mentally and emotionally, trapped in the body of the opposite sex is relatively easy to understand. The target, though, becomes much more elusive as you begin to separate out those different parts and name some "feminine" and others "masculine" and combine them in various ways. Now try to define it.

While autogynephalia has obvious feminine overtones to it, it also has a very masculine component. As a gender, women tend to be more concerned over other's well-being than their own. Autogynephilia, on the other hand, is almost the epitome of selfishness. I am angry. Creating a sexual and social relationship with oneself, all within one's own body and mind - it means that you never have to let anyone in. It means you never have to be vulnerable, it means you never have to trust another soul with the true you.

My William has chosen to ignore his "feminine" side to the maximum degree possible. He looks very masculine, acts very masculine, has very masculine interests...except when he can't help himself. Then he just does what he needs to do in order to satisfy those needs and then hides it aways again, even from himself. This isn't as simple as cross-dressing, this is so much more...

I want answers, I want definitions, I want to know how this is going to affect "us"...how it's going to affect me. And I want them all now. Yet, I have no answers, no definitions...and I have to be patient and wait for someone else to let me know these things. Someone else to discover and explore this side of himself. Someone else to let me know where my future lies. Someone else who really does not want to know, someone who is very good at lying, at deceit, at hiding.

Discovery versus telling. This is actually a very big deal to me. The violation of my trust is a huge deal to me. But now I must choose to fully trust the same person who hurt me with my heart, body and soul. If I don't, my marriage is over; the one person I love more than life itself will be gone...and I can't fathom that. Yet, it goes against my primitive, instinctive need to protect myself. This is my inner conflict. And these are the thoughts that swirl around in my head and body at night so I can't sleep. I am scared.

William is the only one who can ease this pain. He holds me and most of my fears go away... Most of them... But with my kids in school, I am by myself this morning... And the damn cat ran away. Shit.

Labels

They are so confusing! I am trying to understand something that I don't personally feel, so how do I pick one? I am reading and reading and everyone seems to be arguing about the nuances of the labels.

Why are labels even necessary? I think I understand a little bit why. It's so we know what to expect. A Label means it's normal, predictable, acceptable - even if it's not... It makes you fit with someone else. It means you are not alone...

So what labels are there? Any of you reading this can probably list them better than I can - transsexual, transgender, transvestite, cross-dresser, autogynephiliac, transvestitic fetish...the list goes on and on. Where does it end? What are the differences? Are there differences?

One of the hundreds of websites that I ran across (I'm sorry that I don't remember which one to give credit) wrote a snippet that is sticking in my mind... It said that Nature created the Alpha-Male to have sex with all the females. So where did that leave the other males? Somewhere on the spectrum... So the spectrum must be natural...

I have "labeled" William autogynephiliac because he feels male and masculine most of the time. It's only in the sex act that he becomes "female". He is turned on by just the thought of dressing like a woman, by feeling himself as a woman. He masturbates to photos of himself looking like a woman. He uses sex toys to make love to the woman within himself. Yet he says that when he makes love to me, he doesn't think about the woman in him.

But is he just denying feeling the woman in him other times? He answered "yes" to my question "If you could go out in public dressed as a woman and be guaranteed anonymity, would you?" And he answered "I don't know" to "Are you sexually attracted to penis's?"

So is the"autogynephilia" label even accurate?? Does it give us what we need - the ability to predict and define his behaviors, his needs? Or is this label even a little off? Can the label change as he goes through his self-discovery? Where does he fall on the the spectrum?

How am I going to know what to expect?

The Day the World was Turned Upside-Down

Thursday, September 17, 2009 - the day my world changed. It has only been 4 days, but at the same time, it has also been a lifetime ago. I'm starting this story the same way that this journey was started. With the discovery...



It started off an a non-typical day anyway. I was exhausted from being up most of the night with my son who was suffering from a terrible bout of the stomach flu. I kept him home from kindergarten, but my daughter still went to preschool that morning, giving me a little time to prepare for my work meeting over the lunch hour. Even though I consider myself a stay-at-home mom, I still take the occasional temp job just to bring in some extra money. About 10:00am, I happened to glance over at my son who was snuggled into his blanket on the couch. He was feeling better at this point and looked so sweet...I thought "I need to take his picture". Indulging the impulse, I walked over to the shelf and grabbed the camera. Moving close to my child, I turned it on and a photo came up - the camera had been left on the view setting. It took me a double and then a triple take to understand what I was looking at. It was a close-up photo of a man's crotch in lacy red garters and panties. My ears popped and my head got fuzzy. My next thought was "this isn't our camera" followed by "someone is playing a joke on me". I started flipping the photos backwards. About 6 photos in (all close-ups of various body parts in sexy lingerie), I focused in on a full-body image. My eyes saw the dark mustache on the face under the long blonde wig and everything momentarily went blurry. Do you know the scene in the movie where the main character discovers something? The camera quickly focuses in on him, but the scene all around him goes fuzzy and jumps around? Do you know that that really happens? As I realized that I was looking at photos of my husband in our living room - there was our couch - the same one that my innocent son was laying on - I felt shaky, nauseous, panicked. I quickly flipped through the photos again and again, trying to comprehend what I was looking at. My next thought was of my son -- he couldn't know that mommy was upset. I don't know how I found the strength to say as calmly as I could "Mommy will be right back, sweetie" and nearly ran from the room into my daughter's room where I started to hyperventilate. I remember that I kept saying "Breathe, just breathe, oh God, breathe, oh, God, just breathe..." I was shaking. My brain kept trying to grasp what I had seen My thoughts turned to "Who took the pictures? My husband is gay and having a gay affair - in my house!" Who is it??? Is it Steve? or John? or someone I don't know??? Who took those pictures???
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I started the above post four days into our journey. It's amazing how far one can come in such a short time... My husband is not gay; he is an autogynephiliac. The word fits, according to him. It is now day 6 - my reeling world has slowly come to rest, upright, I believe. We are still together. I feel such love for him and I believe him when he says that he loves me. We have committed to work through this and have an appointment in 2 days to see a counselor both to help William come to terms with who he is and to help us as a couple integrate this into our lives. At times, for me, the pain, rage, anger, betrayal that I felt at the moment of discovery wells up inside. When he holds me, though, I am awed by the level of trust that he is placing in me when he tells me exactly what he is feeling and I feel like our love affair is just beginning.

This blog is not about my husband - it is about me and how I am dealing with the changes that are occurring in my life. At this point, I debated whether or not to change the above, but decided to leave it in as it IS the point where our journey started.