Random Thoughts...

My cat ran away last night. He literally tore through the window screen and was gone. Shit. Too much pain for me to deal with today. It colors my day in shades of gray... I am sad...

I sit here alone, pondering my life this morning and have several random thoughts that I need to express. To put down on "paper". To get out of my head...

The complicated twisting of male and female - emotionally, physically, sexually. Much of the transgender discussion on the Internet focuses on the obvious, the "easy" part. Feeling that you are one sex mentally and emotionally, trapped in the body of the opposite sex is relatively easy to understand. The target, though, becomes much more elusive as you begin to separate out those different parts and name some "feminine" and others "masculine" and combine them in various ways. Now try to define it.

While autogynephalia has obvious feminine overtones to it, it also has a very masculine component. As a gender, women tend to be more concerned over other's well-being than their own. Autogynephilia, on the other hand, is almost the epitome of selfishness. I am angry. Creating a sexual and social relationship with oneself, all within one's own body and mind - it means that you never have to let anyone in. It means you never have to be vulnerable, it means you never have to trust another soul with the true you.

My William has chosen to ignore his "feminine" side to the maximum degree possible. He looks very masculine, acts very masculine, has very masculine interests...except when he can't help himself. Then he just does what he needs to do in order to satisfy those needs and then hides it aways again, even from himself. This isn't as simple as cross-dressing, this is so much more...

I want answers, I want definitions, I want to know how this is going to affect "us"...how it's going to affect me. And I want them all now. Yet, I have no answers, no definitions...and I have to be patient and wait for someone else to let me know these things. Someone else to discover and explore this side of himself. Someone else to let me know where my future lies. Someone else who really does not want to know, someone who is very good at lying, at deceit, at hiding.

Discovery versus telling. This is actually a very big deal to me. The violation of my trust is a huge deal to me. But now I must choose to fully trust the same person who hurt me with my heart, body and soul. If I don't, my marriage is over; the one person I love more than life itself will be gone...and I can't fathom that. Yet, it goes against my primitive, instinctive need to protect myself. This is my inner conflict. And these are the thoughts that swirl around in my head and body at night so I can't sleep. I am scared.

William is the only one who can ease this pain. He holds me and most of my fears go away... Most of them... But with my kids in school, I am by myself this morning... And the damn cat ran away. Shit.