I suck at keeping secrets.
Really. suck. at. secrets.
But this secret is not mine to tell. This secret is vital for me to keep.
How isolating... I was afraid to sit down to talk with a friend this week for fear that she'd know something was wrong. She didn't and I was surprised that I was able to carry on a normal conversation. How could she not see that I was consumed by a secret?
My husband has been keeping his secret for a very, very long time. He remembers trying on his sister's and mother's underwear as a child, so we're talking over 30 years.
How does one go from keeping a secret for over 30 years to revealing everything to someone that he didn't trust enough to tell the secret to himself?
Why do I believe that he is telling me everything now? He says that he is...
And I do... am I in denial?
Believe it or not, I'm at peace this morning, but yesterday was...not so peaceful. I am immersed, consumed, battered by a constant barrage of thoughts about this. I have nothing to distract me. It's exhausting...
But because this is a secret, I don't get to process it in my normal way. I can't talk and talk to my friends until I've worked through my problems. It's a secret... Unfortunately for me, despite the fact that my husband wants to explore his feminine side in the bedroom, he's not very feminine. He's NOT a talker (he is trying, bless him, but it is sooooo foreign to him).
So now I'm blogging. At least it gets it out of my head...
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My boyfriend shared his secret of atuogynephilia to mejust last week. I am the only person he has shared this with. I was- I'll admit- taken back for a moment or two, but open to the idea. I love him completely and after the two moments I was already conjuring up ways to incorporate it into our relationship- he was more tentative than I was...
ReplyDeleteI am surprisingly excited about it...but the only problem I have is the secret part. I too, like you, can't keep a secret. I don't like keeping secrets...but this isn't my secret. I have tried to talk with him about it, but most of the time he wants to pretend it doesn't exist...I need to talk about it or I will explode!
I guess my whole point is...Thank you. Thank you for this blog and inspiring me to write my own.
-Lucy
Lucy, Send me a link to your blog when you get it up and running and I'll publish it. Blogging is not quite the same as talking, but at least it gets it out! Good Luck and God Bless! -Susanne
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