I have had more sex in the last 8 days than in the entire last year, maybe even two years. No kidding. Lack of sex has been the only source of discontent in our marriage - for me, not for him. Now I know why. We were having sex once a month if I was lucky - it would not be at all unusual to go closer to two or three months in between sessions. (The truth is that William has been satisying his own needs a few times a week - which is a whole other blog posting!). Anyway, my point is that just talking about this subject- whether it's good or bad - makes William hard. And the sex has been awesome.
Part of me is surprised how sensitive and accommodating William is being regarding my adjustment to this new situation. Of course, one could argue that he has to be, but the reality is that he could just as easily NOT be so understanding. He could be defensive and angry (which was actually his first reaction, but he reined that it very quickly.) Maybe it's because of how I found out or maybe it's because he knows how I deal with things, but he has really tried to give me at least the illusion of some control over this situation. For example: last weekend, he waited until I came into the bedroom in the morning to tell me that he really wanted to masturbate. Do you know how erotic that was for me? I asked if I could watch and he let me...which turned into me helping...which turned into...well, you can imagine. It was a very emotionally gratifying experience for me. I have asked and asked over the years what "worked" for him, where to touch, etc. He had always been very non-committal, shrugging, changing the subject - this was the first time in 9 years of being together that he showed me where to touch, how hard to touch, etc. Then today, a few hours after getting interrupted by our two young children (in our third go-around of the morning), he came up to whisper in my ear that he was still unsatisfied and would it be okay with me if he "took care of himself." After a few moments of thought, I said "yes". And he did.
Some might think that this was asking permission, but the fact is - he is putting my needs, emotional and physical, ahead of his own for the first time in seven years. I understand that there is a possibility that, at some point in the future, he will feel the need to do some of this on his own, but he has promised me that if he ever feels a need that I cannot satisfy, he will talk to me first about it. For him to be willing, now, to do what I need him to do to make me feel secure in this relationship makes my heart swell with love. This is how I will recover from the shock of the discovery; this is how we will incorporate this into our relationship. Working together as true partners for the first time in our marriage and in our lives.