Thursday, September 24, 2009

Do I really want to know why?

We have our first counseling appointment this afternoon.

Not sure what to think... I was surprised at how nervous I was just making the appointment - and I didn't even have to tell the receptionist anything! Gonna be interesting...

I know that we need to do this, but surprisingly enough, my husband is the one pushing for this. I had hinted that maybe we could work through this ourselves, but he wants to do this. He finally wants to know.

Do you know that he has never asked himself "why?" Never. Not once. Not until I asked him. How can he compartmentalize that part of him off so well? How does he feel about who he is? I think I'm having an easier time accepting him for who he is than he is himself. He used the word "perversion" when he first talked about it. He called himself a "freak." He's a very intelligent man, highly educated. It's not like he doesn't know what a transvestite is... But he has never explored this side of him. Never wanted to. He tears up when he talks about me accepting him for who he is. But he doesn't even know who he is. How scary for him now to think about it...and he IS thinking about it. He says that he doesn't have any answers, but he wants to explore the "why?" of this.

How scary for us... How scary for me...


  1. hello. i'm the m2f in the comments on the confessions blog. [excuse my english]

    i am following your writing with interest and i'm trying to incorporate your feelings in my life experience and trying to say something of interest to you too.

    I certainly can relate to the "negation" part your husband is feeling, because i have lived this feeling myself about my condition for a certain period.

    to simplify a very complex matter, is about courage. Very few people are hard enough to analyize themselves.

    Ask yourself, have you ever doubted why you are you? have your ever searched the why you are yourself?

    in my opinion a "normal" person does not ask himself these questions; he simply live on completely unaware of the importance of such searching.

    because yes, this is scary.

    it's scary to expose oneself to the only honest investigator: himself.

    it's scary when we are not prepared to accept the reply to those questions and build on that.

    it's in thinking this were we have the need of support.

    I know i'm very ignorant about myself. I find every day i don't know much about myself. I learn something at every psyc session, i learn something every time i let me be seen wearing a skirt (and i go out in my city, doing my work and living my life in *my* skirt); i feel as a toddler, exploring my world even at my age.

    What we need is the courage to ask ourself the right questions, but also we have to be prepared to accept the answers.

    And this is for all, not for a transexual, not for a .... but for everyone.

    are we hard enough to go on this exploration path? I don't know but i'm trying.

    Your husband seems to be trying too.

    And you?

    and for your husband: he's not a freak. He's himself, period.

    I know with all my being only a few things. One of them is that there is not even one "normal" human. Everyone is unique. When we talk of normality my feeling is that we are lying to ourselves often because this is simpler to comprehend. But life is not simple, and accepting it is both scary, courageous and empowering.

  2. I hope no one thought that I believed my husband was a freak. That was HIS word, not mine. Just an insight as to what he thinks of himself. Objectively, I believe that everyone should ask themselves "why?". The scary part for me comes in when I wonder how his answers will affect our lives together. I am supportive of him. I love him and I want him to be happy. In my ideal world, though, he would be happy with me...