The Storm is Easing

The Eye of the Storm has passed, I think. There is still wind, rain, and darkness, but the eye has passed and we are on the backside of it.

My William is baffled, a bit, by the "ease" which I have accepted the outer vestiges of this - the clothing, the wig, the make-up. The fact that all of this turns him on. This is the part that he was afraid I would not be able to accept. He says that he is surprised by the depth of the feelings that I have about the secrecy, the violation of my trust, the lies and deceit. In the years before my discovery, he had convinced himself that he was hurting no-one and it never occurred to him that I might feel differently. That I would feel like he was cheating on me.

Early on in this process, when I was still trying to even grasp what this was, I offered him an option - we stay married and be a couple in every sense of the word except sex. For that, he could do "his own thing" and I would go out and satisfy my needs as necessary. He said "no. Absolutely not." I asked him "why?" He said "because that is not what marriage is. That is not what I want. I do not want you to go outside of our relationship for sex." So. ... Ditto.

And I do believe that William understands this. He understands why his need to make love to himself as a woman is not acceptable to me. We are continuing to incorporate bits and pieces of the dressing piece of this into our relationship. With two small children around 24/7, it's hard to take the time for the painted fingernails, make-up, wig, etc, but that will likely be the next step - and I'm okay with that. Not only am I willing to do this, in some ways, I am very excited about it also. I am excited about the toys and the porn (I am one of those strange women who actually likes porn - William knew that at one time, but forgot it, I think.). We are slowing redefining our relationship in many ways (more ways that he ever thought!) But...

I seem to always end my blogs with questions. Our story is not yet done, nor will it be, I'm thinking, for a long time. So my questions continue, thankfully NOT as loud and urgent as before, but still there nonetheless... Will this be enough for him? Will his compulsion to be by himself force him to do things that, when not turned on, he really does not want to do? Only time will tell, I guess. We are still in therapy. So far, we are both happy with the therapist. And while William is hesitant to explore this side of himself, he is willing for the sake of our marriage, so I am ever hopeful.

As I said in the beginning of this blog, the eye of the storm inside me has passed and we are on the back-side...I think.

okay, now I'm mad

okay, it took me a few weeks to get used to the idea, but I'm sure that I can handle the whole cross-dressing thing. I actually think it's fun. I'm okay with the idea of the wig, the clothes, the sex toys, the porn - all of it, no problems! But of course, that's not enough. I've got to add one more thing to the mix.

Masturbation is one thing - this is another. Looking outside of the marital relationship to satisfy his needs, especially when I have been here all the time wanting to satisfy them, especially when I've told him that my own needs were not being met - and he still chose to satisfy his needs away from me - that's cheating. That's an affair. Cheating is cheating no matter who you do it with. Period. End of Sentence.

Asshole.

The "Other Woman"

William asked me today about the wig. We were talking about introducing the next level into our marriage and he mentioned the wig. Wow, the wig...

My initial thoughts...
It's only been one week since I discovered that my husband is having an "affair" with another "woman." The worst part: he finds the other woman more sexually appealling than me. How on earth do I happily welcome her into my bed??? Is she separate from William? or are they the same person? How many of us are going to be in the bed - two or three? If just two, which two? And if three, who is he going to be more into? How can I be jealous of my own husband???

The clothes are one thing - I can wrap my brain around them as something kinky. The wig, though... And make-up? At what point does William become someone else and I find a stranger in my bed?

Was this autogynephalia because I didn't know and he did it himself, but now that I do, does this just become a cross-dressing fetish? Is there a real difference? Does the difference matter?