Sunday, October 4, 2009

okay, now I'm mad

okay, it took me a few weeks to get used to the idea, but I'm sure that I can handle the whole cross-dressing thing. I actually think it's fun. I'm okay with the idea of the wig, the clothes, the sex toys, the porn - all of it, no problems! But of course, that's not enough. I've got to add one more thing to the mix.

Masturbation is one thing - this is another. Looking outside of the marital relationship to satisfy his needs, especially when I have been here all the time wanting to satisfy them, especially when I've told him that my own needs were not being met - and he still chose to satisfy his needs away from me - that's cheating. That's an affair. Cheating is cheating no matter who you do it with. Period. End of Sentence.



  1. This is a sad conclusion for you to reach.

    On a previous post you wondered about what an awful condition this can be - to tear one apart inside.

    I think your previous post is spot are rushing into trying to find answers and you are on an information overload where you seem to want to know absolutely everything.

    You need to first come to terms with what you already know but I guess its too late for that.

    I can offer no words of comfort to you. It is absolutely no surprise that he has gone elsewhere. Many autogynephiles seek some kind of dominant female figure to grant them a kind of release - within the four walls of wherever he has been going he has been given permission to act out his fantasy.

    The only real way I can offer some kind of conciliation for you is that, in his mind, he will keep such things completely seperate. This is NOT going elsewhere for love.. this is going elsewhere purely for gratification.

    You must understand that we have absolutely no self-worth. We loathe this part of ourselves and we hate ourselves for the way in which we have to secretly find release.. but thats all one can do.. because 99% of people really wouldn't understand.. and although it may be a hard thing to take onboard.. we don't let even let those closest to us in.. our mothers and fathers.. brothers and sisters.. so really don't take it personally that he hasn't told you either.

    You need to move away from concepts such as 'inner woman' and treat the condition purely as a sexual fantasy because all it really is. It's certainly the only way I think you could possibly deal with it at this moment in time.

    I wish yo the best. Go see that councillor but they may not know how to advise. Although one suspects this condition is common..its not treated well..and is ill-advised..even within the transvestite community.

    Your search for asnwers though is admirable. Just slow down as I previously mentioned. He will need reassurance you are still his wife and he is still your husband and you are both parents.

    Most if not all of us 'autogynephiliacs' actually DO enjoy being men. Hold on to that idea. I want to be a man and want to enjoy women sexually as I do..its just that it so happens that the idea of being a woman (or what I perceive to be a woman) is very very sexy to me that I have many masturbation fantasies about it.

  2. I love your comment, thank you. This is why I blog. There is not much information out there on autogynephilia - and much of it is conflicting. I need to hear from others...especially when I'm reaching an incorrect conclusion.

    Your comment has brought me some peace tonight. You have given me "permission" to believe something that I was afraid to believe. The idea that this is just a fantasy - one that can include me now that I know - is something that I really would like to believe in. (But I don't want to fool myself, either. Self-esteem issues do not just plague the transgendered/transvestites. So if there are those who would disagree with that, I'd like to hear that also.)

    Tonight, though, I am happy reading this.

    I know that, even when I am angry about some aspects of this, I still love William. And I do not doubt his love for me. We will make it - and all of you out there commenting on my blog, helping me learn...helping US learn what this is and how it affect our relationship, will play a part in our success. So please, comment away! :)

  3. I don't know if I will make any sense right now, I am in a downward spiral of depression, but it might help you get that when he has feelings that are so personal and tearing him up, it can be so hard to feel you are worth anything. I am more and more hating that I am male. I see all the ways my life has been filled with hurt because f the expectations of my outward appearance. I have more female personality traits and skills, but I am suppose to have been a guy and learned to be some outgoing person. Instead I have a crippling introvertedness that I have to fight to function in life. It wears me down. I just wish I was not alone. I wish I had someone to hold me and be there with me when things seem awful. I am always being told to put myself out there....I did over and over and soon i will be 37 and still never have been kissed. Never have know intimacy physically. Yes your husband masturbates, but it doesn't mean he is loving you less, I get why you say that and I get where the thinking comes from. I have grown up in that moral code. Preached by people that hold to a rigid idea that sex is nasty and evil and the cause of original sin.

    I just know that it hurts to be alone, to look and think you will die alone. To not even be able to die as the person you want to be. You get to a point where it just hurts to exist. I just don't just hurts.

  4. Thanks for the response

    Yes self-esteem issues are common

    However what is uncommon is the feeling that part of you is a complete pervert that the rest of society loathes.

    yes many transvestites and transexuals may have low self-esteem - however those that are 'not' autogynephiles do not have to contend with the fact that deep down they know that this is more about sexual release and what 'turns us on' rather than me feeling like a woman trapped in a mans body.

    For many years, before I discovered this term, I had to contend with the issue that my particular condition seemed unique.. that most other transexuals and transevestites wanted to dress as women because that's 'who they are' or they are more comfortable that way. I always felt completely isolated from that view.. it just wasn't ME...ostensibly because I often fantasised and dressed because it turned me on so much. I would look at transexuals and transvestites and she-males and gay people and just think I AM NONE OF THOSE.. I am completely alone.

    ..and add to that..not also am I alone but I get off on turns me on..thus it's a perversion. It's something society deems unnacceptable..a taboo never to be spoken.

    Sure I could come out to society and my parents and friends and say 'I like to dress in womens clothes' and when they answer I could say 'because it gives me a massive hard on'.

    Sorry for the crudeness but I'm just trying to express the mindset of someone who feels completely at odds with themselves in this way. I imagine that most of us are prevented from reaching our true potential as adults.. most of us I suspect live in constant fear of discovery and as such end up socially impotent.. unable to form genuine relationships that we would like to..because this lurks in our minds.

    The question for you is how to approach this. I can imagine its all a bit of a nightmare for you. The thing is - I guess - it's not just going to go away. We are compelled in many senses. I have no idea why.. but its a comulsion nonetheless. I read somewhere once that the masturbation was a form of self-abuse... not sure if thats true.

  5. Anonymous, I very much doubt that you are alone. I get the sense that you and my husband are alike in your self-desires. William is very male in every other sense of the word. He says that he does not feel like a woman the rest of the time; he does not WANT to be a woman the rest of the time. He says that once the sex is done, he is ready to take off the clothes. He does not want to wear them all the time because it would be too much of a distraction. So, I guess, from that perspective, this is easy to understand. - this is the "fetish" aspect that some claim autogynephilia is. It is the "auto" or "self" aspect of this is what is the difficult part of this for me to know how to approach. How to understand? How to incorporate into my psyche? To have my spouse turn to another (even if it is within himself) for satisfaction, pleasure,and release, is goes against every fiber of my being. He is my all, my everything. For me NOT to be my nightmare come to life. Can I accept this as a part of our relationship? Honestly, I don't know yet. This is still new to me. I know for a fact that I can accept all the clothing, wig, make-up - in some ways, the fact that he is so turned on and is trusting me with this now is a big turn on for me. But right now, I am struggling with the "self-love.: What if I can never accept it? What if I have to draw the line there? I don't know that it is drawn in ink yet, but I have made that condition until we have figured this out. Until I know how to handle this. Now come the questions..."Can he handle abide by that condition? Can he control his compulsions? And what will happen if he can't? Will he lie to me again? Will he keep himself from me again?" While these thoughts are not constantly in my mind any longer, they continue to linger... You are helping us, Anonymous, thank you.

    Lady Alexia, I am posting on your blog. Keep heart.