Thursday evening, William and I were discussing our "activities" in the bedroom to date. These are the words that William chose to express his feelings: "while what we have been doing in the bedroom has been fun, it is not as fulfilling or completely satisfying as what [he] had been doing on his own." oh. my. God. As if those words didn't cause enough hurt on their own, William also unknowingly tapped a hidden reservoir of hurt, pain and anger that I didn't even know was there. The bucket turned into a wellspring and all those feelings that had been buried inside came welling up to the surface and completely spilled over. You can imagine our "conversation" from there. It was NOT pretty. My face was swollen the next day from all the crying that I did.
Fortunately, our appointment with the therapist was on Friday morning, so we were able to continue our "discussion" with some assistance. It did help....and I felt better this morning.
Right now, I am choosing not to go into great detail about my hurt and pain, but in a nutshell, my feelings are a result of the choices that William made over the past seven years and the effect that those choices had on our relationship. Prior to my discovery, William believed that the efforts that he made to act on his fantasies in secret affected only him. But that is not the reality. There were then -and still are now - repercussions from his past choices. And we have to deal with them.
I can accept who he is now with little effort. But apparently, based on what happened Thursday and Friday, I am still working to come to terms with who he has been for the past seven years. I fervently hope that we have tapped the last of any hidden reservoirs of negative feelings that I have, but I don't know. There may still be consequences for us to deal with over the upcoming weeks, months and maybe even years.
Love, committment and communication - all are healing, but it still takes time...
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*sigh*
ReplyDeleteKeep this or delete it, I won't be offended hun. I may not be accurate be I shoot from he heart.
You love him and that's a given. He wants to be with you. Again given.Notice the difference though? What is he willing to sacrifice to go forward? Where will he say he can draw the line. Already reading your latest post I can see the line sliding again.
And I don't want to be Dr. Doom, but I see it sliding much further. For x number of year he has been doing this, but kept it in check. Not to protect you, but himself.... Himself from possible divorce, shame, loss of you love, your respect, loss of his children.
And now you've said it's ok to go to here. This line in the sand. And he slides his foot over it and test to see if you move the line. And as lone as you do he will keep moving the line. It's in his nature. If the stop blocks have been pulled off of the car and he's picking up sped as he heads down the hill.
How fast will you run to keep up.
Keep in mind that I am one of those myoptic asshats. I know how much I hurt people. I know the issues my existing caused. My being who I was openly. I didn't have a choice of who I am, but I did have a choice about what I could do once I hit that point. I chose life. Did I choose right? I think so but I'm not sure my family does wonder.
And you have a choice. And it has to do with that line and the definition of what love is.
What it isn't is loosing who you are to satisfy someone else's needs. In the long run we only have ourselves to blame or cheer for when it comes to our sadness or happiness.
And lastly, having read your blog through in one sitting... a small observation. You're looking for the third door when there might not be a third door. And it will hurt like hell loosing what you had. I wish I could wave a wand and make the pain go away, but I can't.
I wish you well. If you feel the desire to talk to someone on the other side, drop me a line. Just remember, "Don't ask my what I think of you, I might not give the answer that you want me to." But I do have a sympathetic ear.
And you are right. Men separate love and sex. Women can love without sex, but -rarely- sex without love... and trust.
-Alissia
I very much appreciate your comments! and I'd love to talk - either on your blog or via email. Drop me a line at mine.
ReplyDeleteAnd yes, we have talked about the lines. And I do expect that he would push them...or will push them. I'm prepared for that now - and have let him know in no uncertain terms which lines are "permeable" and which lines are drawn in blood. Time will tell if he believes me...or if I have the guts to hold my line...