I remember someone telling me once that forgiveness is NOT a single event, but rather an on-going process. This is also my experience.
While the storm is lessening, it still rages on sometimes. I am so sad today. Last night, William and I discussed the path that this has taken over the past several years. The details of what he has done cut into me like a knife. I can hardly believe that I am not bleeding. I think it's the first time that he realized for himself how much more time he spent on loving the woman within him - far more time than he has ever spent loving me. I am grieving the loss of my fairytale - the one where I am my husband's Everything. Today, I can hardly breathe, the pain and anguish are overwhelming, thinking about what he has taken from me...from us, over the last seven years. My chest hurts so much and my throat closes trying to keep the tears in. William was home for lunch today, but I didn't want him to see my pain; I don't want my pain to drive him away. I know that he is sorry and did not do this on purpose. So I swallow it down. I bury it deep, but it bubbles back out as anger. I am so angry that William did not tell me about himself earlier. I am so angry that he did not give me the choice, early on, before we were married and before we had children. I know I would have chosen him. The lack of faith and trust that that choice shows really hurts. And then the pain comes back and the cycle starts over. It's a bad day for me.
But then William called...to see how I am doing. He knew I was having a bad day. And like a pressure valve releasing, I spilled over. I told him of my pain and sadness...and I cried. And inside my heart, I forgave him all over again.
This has been my cycle since my discovery. I feel like this huge mass is hanging over my head. And I can only process little bits and pieces of it at a time. I get upset during the "processing phase" and then I am able to forgive him for that little bit of it. And the cycle starts over...
Poor William. I know he feels bad and there is nothing more that he can do other than love me, hold me, and give me time to process everything. This is hard for him also, in many ways. He doesn't understand my need to talk, my need to grieve (he's so male that way!) He is trying hard, though. He is here. He is listening to me. I believe that he is being honest with me. He is choosing me now, over the woman within. I have to focus on that, on the positives in our relationship. That's what gets me through the "bad." My marriage vows said "For Better or Worse...'til Death do Us Part." I have never felt those words so strongly in my heart.
So forgiveness is an on-going process - and one that I am willing to work through. Because I love him...
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You can tell yourself over and over that you 'would' have chosen him. The point is that you are angry you didn't get the choice because you feel you should have had the opportunity to have NOT chosen him. The reality is that it is more likely you probably wouldn't. Hard to bear I know.
ReplyDeleteSure you may in the first instance - but every choice you made thereafter would have been with the knowledge of his little secret. When the possibility arose for children you would have thought about the consequences for your children to have someone like this as a father.
You need to remove this mode of thinking from your mind. Its a tough process I imagine. We all 'want' the choices that are made for us that affect our lives the most. Unfortunately we don't get them..we become angry and resentful and as much as you feel it is unjust..they are made anyway.
This condition was a secret long before you met william. The secret is part of the guy you originally met and it is part of him now. It is actually nothing to do with YOU. He doesn't keep this a secret from you he keeps it a secret from EVERYONE perhaps even himself. He would never willingfully have exposed himself and yourself to this even now.
My question is - why do you feel you should have had a choice? IF you would've have chosen him anyway and you truly believe that - then having the choice is irrelevent. If you REALLY think you should have had a choice and it makes you angry that you didn't - then you are, in essence, saying that you wouldn't have chosen him.
Once again I offer little in the way of consolation or solution - I'm just trying to represent some clarity of thought for you. You tell yourself that what matters is the here and now and you are absolutely right - so then stop dwelling on what should have been. You still feel like you need to forgive him somehow - that feeling is not going to stop unless you ACTUALLY forgive him which you just need to do NOW.. straight away SNAP forgive the guy and move on because all he has done has kept a secret from you and it's only a little secret really no big deal..he is still William..husband..father.
It is YOUR choice whether this is a big deal or not..it never feels like it but we have a choice over how we feel about things.. we always do..we can choose to be angry or sad or happy or optimistic..these are things we can actually control. The ball is in your court. Good luck :)
You are giving me things to think about that are helpful for me to process, Anonymous.
ReplyDeleteI agree with some of your comment. I think "choice" was a bad word. I don't think that I really wish I had had a "choice." What I wish is that he had trusted me enough to tell me. And, truthfully, I have no idea WHY I wish that. I don't know why, yesterday, it was hugely important to me, because TODAY it's not foremost in my mind. Today I'm feeling that I am understanding the "why" reason he didn't tell me and, more importantly, I'm starting to feel internally that this secret is not personal to me. A discovery of this nature, in this fashion, feels like a personal rejecion of me. oh, you can tell me that it isn't - and intellectually, objectively, I believe you are correct...but it doesn't change how one FEELS inside. And compounding it all, in our particular case, my husband DID reject me in some physical and sexual ways in our marriage. Not consciously, but by refusing sex, not wanting sex with me, it was a very personal rejection. He agrees. And I need to process that and deal with that - and move on.
I'm not sure if I agree with you or not about this being MY choice if it's a big deal or not. I think that this IS a big deal, to BOTH of us. If it wasn't, then William wouldn't have felt the need to keep it a secret from me. And I don't agree that it's just a "little secret". I don't believe that there is such a thing in a relationship. Any secret, by it's nature, IS a big deal. If it wasn't, there would be a lot more people "out of the closet." But you are absolutely CORRECT about the fact that we do have a choice about how we deal with things.
I think my comment about the big mass of "stuff" that I'm dealing with in little bits and pieces is probably the most important part of this particular blog. There is a big difference in the way that women process things and men process things. I'm sorry to be gender-biased in this, but I do believe it is true. As a general rule, women "talk" out their problems. Unfortunately, due to the nature of this secret, I am limited about the ways that I can process this. As I bring each little piece into focus and deal with it, I am able to discard it into the "I've already dealt with that issue" pile of stuff in my mind. Those pieces, while still there, become fairly insignificant. Since I can't talk about this, I am writing these feelings down in this blog and discussing them with my husband. And then the feelings come out of the inside of me where they are dark and black and choking me. By writing them down and talking them out, I get to get them OUT of inside of me and leave them on the floor where they belong - leaving behind, inside me, a nice clean, empty space waiting to be filled up with the good and wonderful things about my husband and my relationship.
And in the past 3 week, I've processed as much "future" stuff as I can by myself. Now I need to wait and see where William needs to go. I can go along with him, but in many ways, he is steering this ship. So...now, I'm trying to deal with the past.
Unfortunately, I am fairly certain that there is still more for me to deal with in the days/weeks to come; that there will be more dark, sad days that I will blog about, but by blogging - and YOUR RESPONSES TO MY BLOGS (even if it to tell me that I'm being an idiot) - all of that is very helpful to me. So bear with me, Anonymous and everybody else readying this, all of this is really helping me to process it, to stay healthy mentally and emotionally, so that someday (hopefully sooner rather than later!), William and I will be good with this between us. Believe it or not, three weeks ago, I was in a much darker place than I am now. But today, in this moment, this hour, the sun is peeking through the clouds and I am actually pretty happy.