Wednesday, October 21, 2009

One Month Later

It's actually closer to 5 weeks since my discovery, but life has interfered a bit with my blogging. The fact that this blog is not my first priority any more is actually a positive thing. It means that things are calm...and William and I are good. Very good. My last major upset was the email address episode. The bucket next to me has shrunk even farther. In many ways, our life outside the bedroom has returned to "normal". I have been able to go out in the evening with friends, leaving William home alone - and not worry about what he was doing. That is a huge step for me.

We are still working with a therapist -and he has been very helpful. Our primary focus has shifted from "how is Susanne handling this?" to "we need to work on our relationship skills." You see, William has spent over 40 years hiding himself from the world. It is requiring conscious effort on his part to open up to me, to bring me into his world. His communication skills (regarding our relationship) are quite poor. His historical preference has been to satisfy his own needs and not even consciously identify them, much less verbalize them. So, in some ways, his adjustment to this is even harder than mine.

Last week, our therapist talked with us about our path through this unknown territory and defining the clues we will see that tell us if we are on the "right" path or the "wrong" path. William's first response was that he will "feel that it's the right path." I'm not sure, however, that I trust his "feelings" in this particular case. William and I discussed this further at home and came up with some more concrete signs, such as "if he has to lie about what he is doing" or "if he is keeping something hidden from me, no matter how small" - those are signs that he is getting off the right path. The right path includes expressing his needs to me - something that he struggles to do. Actually, William is doing quite well with all of this, but the fact that it continues to be an effort means that we will be continuing therapy for quite awhile.

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