I love the Internet. I love the idea that I can look up all sorts of information and I love the fact that I can talk to others anonymously. Anonymous' comment on my last post got me to thinking more about this. Have you heard of the book that discusses how men and women think differently? Yes, I know there are a million of them. The one I'm thinking of, though, says that men have brains like boxes on shelving units. They compartmentalize themselves into little bits and pieces and, generally, only deal with one "box" at a time. Most men actually have trouble with mental multi-tasking or dealing with more than one box at a time. Women, though, have brains that are more like a plate of spaghetti. Every piece, while separate, touches every other piece on the plate. That's why women talk about everything at once and are great mental multi-taskers. This theory also explains why most men feel that sex and love are separate. That sex is just sex - and that's all it is. For most women, though, sex and love are intertwined. And those strands touch every other strand of their lives. I find this theory to be completely accurate in describing William and myself. And this is partly why I completely believe William when he says that he feels male/masculine, despite what he is doing to and with himself. If he felt like a woman, I think he would understand my "processing" better than he does. (He gets brownie points for trying, though!) And this is also partly why the term "autogynephiliac" fits William better than "transsexual."
When I first discovered William's secret, I took to the Internet. I tried to figure out why he was doing this. It was immediately obvious to me that this was more than just cross-dressing; one look at the photos told me that. This was a man/woman coming on to himself through the pictures, not just dressing up. I could find information about spouses of transvestites, but that wasn't ALL there was to our story. I could find some information about spouses of transsexuals (as limited as it is), but that didn't seem to fit either. And what I did find told their stories, they were told from the perspective of someone who had already reached their destination; someone who was already comfortable where they were at. They weren't quite detailed enough for me. ("It's not personal, so get over it" wasn't very helpful in those first few days.) For those spouses that still in their journey, there are discussion forums, but they are cumbersome and most of them are closed until your application to join is approved. (I'm still waiting for some of my apps to be approved - 3 weeks later.)
But there was absolutely nothing out there for spouses of those people who fall somewhere in between. No guide book for me to use in navigating my way though this. No road map to tell me where this was even leading. I began blogging as a way to process my feelings, but I certainly hope that if there is someone else out there like me, a straight spouse of a man who is not even certain of his location in the gender/sexuality plain, then this might help them. On Day One of my journey, I was kicked in the head and knocked for a loop. By Day Fourteen, I was feeling...better. Today is Day 21 and while the tough part is certainly not over, it is considerably better than it was. My mental picture of my own journey through this is one that takes place through fog. Periodically, I come to a place where the fog thins, breaks up even and I can see the sun and where I'm going. Then I hit the fog again. When I am in the sunlight, I look forward to our new life together. The intimacy that this brings could potentially be better than anything else I'd ever dreamed of. It's just different. I'm very much looking forward to the day when I'm out of the fog completely and can bask in the sunlight forever.
A man reading this might not interpret my writing in the same way that a woman would - and that's perfectly okay. Their comments show me William's perspective - and I find that very helpful when trying to explain to him what my side looks like. And with both of us working to understand the other person's perspective in this relationship - well, this can be my new fairytale dream.
As I said at the beginning of this blog...sex, love and every other aspect of my life intertwine...