Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Almost 5 years later

I hadn't checked this email for about 6 months - I usually don't get anything but spam.  But I signed on this past week and there were 5 legitimate emails waiting for me!  I hope everyone who had emailed found the information that they were looking for.  But it made me think, I should write an update.  So here it is...

It's been nearly 5 years since I found out about my William.  I actually had to look up how long it's been because I've moved into that space "post-discovery" where it's not a shock, not a big deal, - basically that space where, when I was trying to find information about my discovery, every other spouse who blogged was living.  That's why I wrote my blog - because when you are going through the painful throes of discovery, you don't want to hear how things CAN be, you want to know how to deal with the crap that's going on right now!  I hope others can find help there, because it helped me immensely to write it.  And now I'm living in a much more peaceful place.

I think it took almost 4 years to get to this place of "it's not a big deal."  Oh, really, it was "only" about 6 months of incredibly painful crap, which gradually lessened over time, but was also fouled by the occasional rearing of the viper's head over the next couple of years.  But as I think back, it's been well over a year since any of that has come up - and if it did now....well, at least I'm in a good place to deal with it - and I'm confident that we would still be okay.

William and I are doing just fine.  We still dress, role-play, etc - at least whenever we can find the time in our crazy world of four kids, house, work and life.  William is NOT out of the closet with anybody but me - which is exactly how he says that he wants it.  I'm not sure how intense his desires still are to do more than what we are doing - we really haven't talked about them in a quite awhile, but the last time we did, he said that he's happy with where we are and doesn't think about it much - other than he still wants to do what we do and he loves that I'm okay with it.  My feeling about this is that when what-one-wants is acceptable, the desires stop being so all-consuming.  It's not that those desires fade, but they fall back to occupy a more-normal-amount of thought/time/energy.  What William wants is fine with me, so he doesn't obsess about them any more. It took him a few years to get to his happy place, it didn't happen right away either, but it was part of our journey together.

Our marriage is still good.  We communicate quite well - I can tell how "we" are by how he responds to me - does he take my calls during the day at work?  Does he remember what I tell him?  Does he get frustrated easily?  As soon as I see one of those start to wane, I know it's time for us to have a talk - and we do - and it's usually he's stressed about something - and things improve.  I must have some signals myself - because he will occasionally do the same thing to me.

I love him dearly - and he loves me.  I know our journey isn't over - no journey ever is - but we're still on it together, so it's all good...

God Bless and Take Care.


  1. Thank you for telling us this! It means a lot to many of us.

  2. It's really very encouraging to hear what can only be termed a 'successful story'!

    I think that William has found his 'plateau' — something described often in the academic literature, where transgendered people are constantly redefining themselves, looking for labels that apply to them, until they find one that is comfortable and satisfactory for them. Then they might remain on that 'label' for quite a long time, often even forever. This seems to be the case of William.

    Not everybody is like that, of course. The plateau might remain for a long while, but it can also be one of those things that suddenly swing out of equilibrium, for whatever reason. So, yes, I agree that your journey isn't over, but the great news is that it's a journey that you two are doing together; and I think that's what matters most to a couple!

    (FYI it has been nine years since I revealed myself to my wife; while our story is slightly different, I also believe that we are doing quite well to establish limits and boundaries. Rules help a lot, at least in my case, because I know I'd do completely foolish things [and possibly regret them immediately afterwards!] if it weren't the case. Also, I learned, with my wife, one very important thing: never rush. Take all the possible time she needs. Measure time in years, not days or weeks. I have standing invitations from friends to go out for 17 years (!) but I'm still patiently waiting until 'going out with transgendered friends' is acceptable to my wife. It might never happen. That's ok! Being patient is the key to my own success — it pays off in the end :) )

  3. I received this email this week- thought it appropriate to place here...
    Hi, Susanne!
    I just spent the better part of a day reading your blog. Wow! I'm so grateful that I stumbled onto it. I'm 47, and although I knew that my 28 year old boyfriend was a little less manly than some other guys, and had some unusual tastes, only recently did I realize that it might be something more. We both agreed that role play can add spice and variety to a relationship, but his requests become more and more unusual. I adore him, and those feminine traits that he has are what attracted me to him in the first place, kindness, sensitivity, patience, and compassion. I now realize that his desire to dress up and be treated like a princess, wear makeup and nail polish, etc., were just his way of expressing his inner woman.
    Reading your blog, and the comments of others, has given me a great deal of clarity. We love each other more than I ever imagined was possible. I don't want anything to separate us.
    So, I have decided to incorporate this into our relationship, and make it fun for both of us, if possible.
    I've found some ways to keep his behavior in check which might be helpful to others dealing with this situation. It seems that many men with this condition/ tendancy enjoy being submissive in the bedroom. This is the case with my boyfriend. It provides me with a great way to control his desires, and he enjoys it. He is forbidden from touching himself unless I order him to do it for my pleasure. I femininize him myself, often with beauty salon role play. He appreciates that I participate in his fantasies, and it makes our bond stronger to share this secret.
    Traditional society places a lot pressure on men to be strong, responsible, and dependable. This can be very stressful. When a man steps out of his usual role, he can relax without the pressure of being in control of everything. He can pass the responsibility to someone else, and just relax. It can help him regain the energy to go out and deal with all those testosterone laden, competitive males out in the real world.