I recently received several interesting comments from "Anonymous". I responded to one on the comment thread, but thought his second deserves a blog posting of it's own. Here's the comment:
"I don't catch why you don't allow your man to dress, use a dildo and masturbate alone ?!!! He could do that alone and afterwards have sex normaly with you.
In my case, I have a need to dress. The pulsion gets stronger and stronger. If I don't dress for a while, I dream about it when I sleep ! If I try to not dress, I feel bad and I am not interested with the girl I date. I am away. In my own world. Reality doesn't count. After I dressed and had sex alone, I feel relieved, more or less normal and I am very atrtacted to girls again. So I can have sex like a man, without thinking that I am a woman.
I don't want to have sex in DRAG with a girl because I know that I will feel ridiculious next to her female body, I will not feel like a woman but like a DRAG.
Why not leting your man having sex with men ? What do you risk ? He will always come back and this is just sex. Other normal straight men have sex with women while married. All men have more or less affairs. At least, in your case, you are sure that he couldn't fall in love and leave. Your husband will NEVER leave you if you allow him to be free. In exchange, he would probably not need anymore to be dressed to have sex with you.
You must catch that for men, sex and love are 2 different things, unlike for women who link sex to feelings. A man can have sex with a stranger, it is like eating with a stranger = simple and natural. So having sex alone or with other people doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.
Let him be free in his sex life. Your relationship and sex can only be better as he will felt understood and himself. Of course, set some limits to protect himself and your security = no strangers at home, he has sex in parties or hotels. No sex without condoms. The best would be to have a few regular lovers, you could even know them !!!
At the end, this is just dressing clothes and playing a role. It doesn't change your man. He is the same.
We only have one life. So why bothering with details like having a man who would like to be a woman ?!!!
I think that your pain problem is that you don't like yourself so much and so feel rejected as a woman. But it doesn't come from you. You could be the best looking girl in the world, he would still prefer more or less sex alone than with you because his fantacy is beeing a woman!!!!
You could try to be more sexy because his need to dress can come of a lack of contact with sexy woman though. A woman dressed like he would like to dress. He will not stop dressing but if he sees sexy clothes daily on you, clothes will become more like somple clothes and not something special."
hmmmmm...I have many, many thoughts swirling around in my head, so I'll try to make sense of them for you.
First, why don't I let William "do this thing alone?" Well, for one thing, he DID do that for years. And even though he loved me, our marriage suffered. Because William was able to fully satisfy his own needs all by himself, he didn't need me. oh, sure, he loved me, but honestly, day-to-day, he didn't need me for anything more than housekeeping and child-rearing. And in the long-term relationship of marriage, this was a very bad thing! It might be crude, but part of the reason a man keeps a woman happy is so that he can "get a little." And if he doesn't ever want "it" then eventually, even if he loves her, he stops paying attention to her, stops wanting to please her, stops wanting to share his life with her. And he starts focusing on where he IS getting it - even if it's just within himself.
And eventually, it spills over into other areas of the marriage. After seven years of marriage and self-pleasure, William no longer heard me when I talked to him - I had to send him an EMAIL at work if I needed him to remember something! He would get frustrated with me if I asked him for anything. And he couldn't wait for me to leave the house so he could spend time with "her." How sad is that? When one can't wait for his wife to leave so he can have sex with another - even if the "other" is just himself. So...having lived William being able to satisfy his own needs for several years...and then having lived William needing ME to satisfy his sexual needs for the last year...NO, I will never, ever give William permission to pleasure himself again. And while he may choose to do so at some point...well, this time, I will eventually know what's going on...
Why don't I allow William to have sex outside the marriage with other men? Well, as far as I'm concerned, William did have sex with someone other than me for the first seven years of our marriage -and it was not beneficial to our relationship. William and I both come from fairly traditional, conservative families. William's family is also staunchly Catholic, so his attitudes and feelings are even more conservative than mine! When this all first came out, one of the first questions I asked him was "did he want a marriage in which he did his thing and I did mine?" (At the time, it was something that I was willing to consider.) But his response - "No. Because that's not what marriage is." Well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander. I don't care who you are or what turns you on - I believe that marriage is a commitment between two people in which they promise to forsake all others. And that means "no sex with anyone else." Period. Otherwise, why get married?
"Sex and love are different for a man. Let him be free in his sex life." Nope. Perhaps this works for some women, but not for me. If he wants to have sex with anyone else, male or female, then we can end our marriage as it stands now and he can go do it. Because that's just the way I am - and I will not apologize for it. (Besides, that's a crock. Remember how much he focused on the one he was getting sex from - and NOT me, the woman he loved?)
And the last part...I must "not like myself very much and feel rejected as a woman." oh, boy...this is a toughie. You know...rejection IS one of the things that I felt for a long time. But not any longer. To some degree, my William is choosing to reject his inner wife for ME. It's ME that he is choosing, so no, I don't feel rejected any longer, I feel CHOSEN. It's a wonderful feeling - and what's helped make this work between us.
As far as "wearing sexy clothes," I used to try to wear lingerie and sexy clothes for him before I found out and he didn't react to them...AT ALL. In fact, he said that he really didn't care for them, so I stopped. Now I know it was the exact opposite - it was just so close to the truth that he backed away from it. He felt like he couldn't risk having me know that he liked the clothes in case he couldn't stop himself from revealing more. So now that I know, there's no more harm. I dress, he dresses...and sometimes we dress together. Which is absolutely fine with me. As long as it's with me!
So bottom line...every person's relationship is different. What works for one might not work for another's. I'm curious, Anonymous...are you in a long-term committed relationship? Does your partner know about you? And what does she think?
sorry...I had to come back and add one more thing...and that is: sex is a crucial part of a relationship. oh, I know there is the odd one in which sex is not a factor (more power to 'em), but that is not the "norm." As a general rule, heterosexual men seek out heterosexual women for relationships and marriage, so do gay men with gay men and lesbian women with lesbian women. We don't marry our friends and only meet with the opposite sex for mating. No, most of us enjoy spending time, cultivating a relationship with the person that we are also sexually attracted to. I say again, mutual sexual attraction is important! I've read AGP's who say things that they are most attracted to themselves and that the other person is irrevelant. HUH???? That's not a relationship that most non-AGP people would be interested in participating in. If you don't care about the other person's feelings and are only focused on satisfying your own sexual needs, then you are just using them for your own purposes. And that's not a relationship at all.