I remember someone telling me once that forgiveness is NOT a single event, but rather an on-going process. This is also my experience.
While the storm is lessening, it still rages on sometimes. I am so sad today. Last night, William and I discussed the path that this has taken over the past several years. The details of what he has done cut into me like a knife. I can hardly believe that I am not bleeding. I think it's the first time that he realized for himself how much more time he spent on loving the woman within him - far more time than he has ever spent loving me. I am grieving the loss of my fairytale - the one where I am my husband's Everything. Today, I can hardly breathe, the pain and anguish are overwhelming, thinking about what he has taken from me...from us, over the last seven years. My chest hurts so much and my throat closes trying to keep the tears in. William was home for lunch today, but I didn't want him to see my pain; I don't want my pain to drive him away. I know that he is sorry and did not do this on purpose. So I swallow it down. I bury it deep, but it bubbles back out as anger. I am so angry that William did not tell me about himself earlier. I am so angry that he did not give me the choice, early on, before we were married and before we had children. I know I would have chosen him. The lack of faith and trust that that choice shows really hurts. And then the pain comes back and the cycle starts over. It's a bad day for me.
But then William called...to see how I am doing. He knew I was having a bad day. And like a pressure valve releasing, I spilled over. I told him of my pain and sadness...and I cried. And inside my heart, I forgave him all over again.
This has been my cycle since my discovery. I feel like this huge mass is hanging over my head. And I can only process little bits and pieces of it at a time. I get upset during the "processing phase" and then I am able to forgive him for that little bit of it. And the cycle starts over...
Poor William. I know he feels bad and there is nothing more that he can do other than love me, hold me, and give me time to process everything. This is hard for him also, in many ways. He doesn't understand my need to talk, my need to grieve (he's so male that way!) He is trying hard, though. He is here. He is listening to me. I believe that he is being honest with me. He is choosing me now, over the woman within. I have to focus on that, on the positives in our relationship. That's what gets me through the "bad." My marriage vows said "For Better or Worse...'til Death do Us Part." I have never felt those words so strongly in my heart.
So forgiveness is an on-going process - and one that I am willing to work through. Because I love him...
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Tuesday, October 6, 2009
The Storm is Easing
The Eye of the Storm has passed, I think. There is still wind, rain, and darkness, but the eye has passed and we are on the backside of it.
My William is baffled, a bit, by the "ease" which I have accepted the outer vestiges of this - the clothing, the wig, the make-up. The fact that all of this turns him on. This is the part that he was afraid I would not be able to accept. He says that he is surprised by the depth of the feelings that I have about the secrecy, the violation of my trust, the lies and deceit. In the years before my discovery, he had convinced himself that he was hurting no-one and it never occurred to him that I might feel differently. That I would feel like he was cheating on me.
Early on in this process, when I was still trying to even grasp what this was, I offered him an option - we stay married and be a couple in every sense of the word except sex. For that, he could do "his own thing" and I would go out and satisfy my needs as necessary. He said "no. Absolutely not." I asked him "why?" He said "because that is not what marriage is. That is not what I want. I do not want you to go outside of our relationship for sex." So. ... Ditto.
And I do believe that William understands this. He understands why his need to make love to himself as a woman is not acceptable to me. We are continuing to incorporate bits and pieces of the dressing piece of this into our relationship. With two small children around 24/7, it's hard to take the time for the painted fingernails, make-up, wig, etc, but that will likely be the next step - and I'm okay with that. Not only am I willing to do this, in some ways, I am very excited about it also. I am excited about the toys and the porn (I am one of those strange women who actually likes porn - William knew that at one time, but forgot it, I think.). We are slowing redefining our relationship in many ways (more ways that he ever thought!) But...
I seem to always end my blogs with questions. Our story is not yet done, nor will it be, I'm thinking, for a long time. So my questions continue, thankfully NOT as loud and urgent as before, but still there nonetheless... Will this be enough for him? Will his compulsion to be by himself force him to do things that, when not turned on, he really does not want to do? Only time will tell, I guess. We are still in therapy. So far, we are both happy with the therapist. And while William is hesitant to explore this side of himself, he is willing for the sake of our marriage, so I am ever hopeful.
As I said in the beginning of this blog, the eye of the storm inside me has passed and we are on the back-side...I think.
My William is baffled, a bit, by the "ease" which I have accepted the outer vestiges of this - the clothing, the wig, the make-up. The fact that all of this turns him on. This is the part that he was afraid I would not be able to accept. He says that he is surprised by the depth of the feelings that I have about the secrecy, the violation of my trust, the lies and deceit. In the years before my discovery, he had convinced himself that he was hurting no-one and it never occurred to him that I might feel differently. That I would feel like he was cheating on me.
Early on in this process, when I was still trying to even grasp what this was, I offered him an option - we stay married and be a couple in every sense of the word except sex. For that, he could do "his own thing" and I would go out and satisfy my needs as necessary. He said "no. Absolutely not." I asked him "why?" He said "because that is not what marriage is. That is not what I want. I do not want you to go outside of our relationship for sex." So. ... Ditto.
And I do believe that William understands this. He understands why his need to make love to himself as a woman is not acceptable to me. We are continuing to incorporate bits and pieces of the dressing piece of this into our relationship. With two small children around 24/7, it's hard to take the time for the painted fingernails, make-up, wig, etc, but that will likely be the next step - and I'm okay with that. Not only am I willing to do this, in some ways, I am very excited about it also. I am excited about the toys and the porn (I am one of those strange women who actually likes porn - William knew that at one time, but forgot it, I think.). We are slowing redefining our relationship in many ways (more ways that he ever thought!) But...
I seem to always end my blogs with questions. Our story is not yet done, nor will it be, I'm thinking, for a long time. So my questions continue, thankfully NOT as loud and urgent as before, but still there nonetheless... Will this be enough for him? Will his compulsion to be by himself force him to do things that, when not turned on, he really does not want to do? Only time will tell, I guess. We are still in therapy. So far, we are both happy with the therapist. And while William is hesitant to explore this side of himself, he is willing for the sake of our marriage, so I am ever hopeful.
As I said in the beginning of this blog, the eye of the storm inside me has passed and we are on the back-side...I think.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Midnight Ramblings...
It's the middle of the night. William is sleeping. We had a wonderful day today, so I don't want to wake him up to talk about this, but I can't sleep. Thoughts are swirling around and around in my mind. I want to make them stop. So, I'm up here in my living room...blogging.
I have known William for 9-1/2 years. We moved in together after 18 months of dating and got married about 9 months after that. Sex was great in the beginning, but even before the marriage, the frequency had dwindled to about once a week. I was barely satisfied with that, but everything else about William was wonderful, so I didn't push the issue. We are both older and wanted a family, so we started trying right away. If we had know that I would get pregnant on our wedding night, we might have waited, but we were still excited to be expecting. Our son was born very prematurely and we spent 4 months in a NICU about 2 hours away. William and I had had sex the night before he was born and to this day, William believes that may be have been a factor in his early birth. Sex post-baby was affected, I thought, by the stress and strain of our situation. It was not very frequent, maybe once a month or so, but with everything else going on, it was not an issue. When our son was 14 months old, we started trying for baby number two. Sex was more frequent during this phase of our marriage due to our efforts. It took six months to get pregnant, but it did happen...and the sex stopped. Due to our first's prematurity, I had a cerclage put in and the doctors forbade me to have sex; I couldn't even have an orgasm! I was not happy, but William was all right...too all-right. It bothered me a little bit, I remember, even at the time. I had offered to help him out in the beginning, but he said that he would take care of his needs - and I was not thrilled about not being able to participate in the act myself, so I let him. Looking back, it was waaay too easy... After our daughter was born, sex was almost non-existant. The stress of a new baby, the medical issues that continued to plague our son, the stress of my husband's job, etc. All were too easy explanations for why my husband didn't want to have sex. He didn't like sex, he said. When the pressure got too much, his libido was the first thing to go, he said. Several times, I hinted, even asked for sex and was turned down. I could always get his body interested, even when he said "no", but somehow, it seemed wrong to do that. "No" to a woman, always means "no". So I didn't...and got more and more frustrated. William was very aware of this. About every six months or so, I would get upset with him over the lack of sex. In the cover of darkness, in our bed, I would broach the subject with him. It always ended up with me in tears, asking "why?" Why don't you want to have sex with me? Am I too fat? Am I too ugly? Are you gay?? What is wrong??? And nothing ever changed. But our life outside the bedroom was great. William is a wonderful husband and father; he was affectionate outside of the bedroom with kisses and hugs for both me and the children, so I decided that I should be happy about everything else and let the sex go. It festered, though...and about every six months or so, I would blow up at him again. I am ashamed to say this, but it had gotten to the point where I consciously considered having an affair. I didn't do it, but I was unhappy enough that I had also decided that our next mid-night conversation would include this "threat." I hated myself for that - I'd like to think that I really wouldn't have done it, but if the situation had gone on for years...who knows. Anyway, it's moot now.
So on Sept 17th, I discover "the reason why." Why my husband didn't want to have sex with me. It was because he was having sex with himself. Two to four times a week! He may have only dressed once a month, but the rest of the time, he masturbated to photos of himself dressed in ladies lingerie with wigs and make-up. He masturbated to videos of himself parading around in clothes, screwing himself with a dildo, giving oral sex to a dildo as he imagined it was his own penis. When he knew that I was unhappy, he still chose to do this instead of making me happy.
_________________________________________________________________
William got up and came upstairs to find me. He was willing to talk, but I had blogged my mind mostly clear, so I went to bed. I'm leaving this blog intact because it really helped me to define WHY I feel that he cheated on me. oh, my mind knows that he didn't...but tell that to my heart...
I have known William for 9-1/2 years. We moved in together after 18 months of dating and got married about 9 months after that. Sex was great in the beginning, but even before the marriage, the frequency had dwindled to about once a week. I was barely satisfied with that, but everything else about William was wonderful, so I didn't push the issue. We are both older and wanted a family, so we started trying right away. If we had know that I would get pregnant on our wedding night, we might have waited, but we were still excited to be expecting. Our son was born very prematurely and we spent 4 months in a NICU about 2 hours away. William and I had had sex the night before he was born and to this day, William believes that may be have been a factor in his early birth. Sex post-baby was affected, I thought, by the stress and strain of our situation. It was not very frequent, maybe once a month or so, but with everything else going on, it was not an issue. When our son was 14 months old, we started trying for baby number two. Sex was more frequent during this phase of our marriage due to our efforts. It took six months to get pregnant, but it did happen...and the sex stopped. Due to our first's prematurity, I had a cerclage put in and the doctors forbade me to have sex; I couldn't even have an orgasm! I was not happy, but William was all right...too all-right. It bothered me a little bit, I remember, even at the time. I had offered to help him out in the beginning, but he said that he would take care of his needs - and I was not thrilled about not being able to participate in the act myself, so I let him. Looking back, it was waaay too easy... After our daughter was born, sex was almost non-existant. The stress of a new baby, the medical issues that continued to plague our son, the stress of my husband's job, etc. All were too easy explanations for why my husband didn't want to have sex. He didn't like sex, he said. When the pressure got too much, his libido was the first thing to go, he said. Several times, I hinted, even asked for sex and was turned down. I could always get his body interested, even when he said "no", but somehow, it seemed wrong to do that. "No" to a woman, always means "no". So I didn't...and got more and more frustrated. William was very aware of this. About every six months or so, I would get upset with him over the lack of sex. In the cover of darkness, in our bed, I would broach the subject with him. It always ended up with me in tears, asking "why?" Why don't you want to have sex with me? Am I too fat? Am I too ugly? Are you gay?? What is wrong??? And nothing ever changed. But our life outside the bedroom was great. William is a wonderful husband and father; he was affectionate outside of the bedroom with kisses and hugs for both me and the children, so I decided that I should be happy about everything else and let the sex go. It festered, though...and about every six months or so, I would blow up at him again. I am ashamed to say this, but it had gotten to the point where I consciously considered having an affair. I didn't do it, but I was unhappy enough that I had also decided that our next mid-night conversation would include this "threat." I hated myself for that - I'd like to think that I really wouldn't have done it, but if the situation had gone on for years...who knows. Anyway, it's moot now.
So on Sept 17th, I discover "the reason why." Why my husband didn't want to have sex with me. It was because he was having sex with himself. Two to four times a week! He may have only dressed once a month, but the rest of the time, he masturbated to photos of himself dressed in ladies lingerie with wigs and make-up. He masturbated to videos of himself parading around in clothes, screwing himself with a dildo, giving oral sex to a dildo as he imagined it was his own penis. When he knew that I was unhappy, he still chose to do this instead of making me happy.
_________________________________________________________________
William got up and came upstairs to find me. He was willing to talk, but I had blogged my mind mostly clear, so I went to bed. I'm leaving this blog intact because it really helped me to define WHY I feel that he cheated on me. oh, my mind knows that he didn't...but tell that to my heart...
okay, now I'm mad
okay, it took me a few weeks to get used to the idea, but I'm sure that I can handle the whole cross-dressing thing. I actually think it's fun. I'm okay with the idea of the wig, the clothes, the sex toys, the porn - all of it, no problems! But of course, that's not enough. I've got to add one more thing to the mix.
Masturbation is one thing - this is another. Looking outside of the marital relationship to satisfy his needs, especially when I have been here all the time wanting to satisfy them, especially when I've told him that my own needs were not being met - and he still chose to satisfy his needs away from me - that's cheating. That's an affair. Cheating is cheating no matter who you do it with. Period. End of Sentence.
Asshole.
Masturbation is one thing - this is another. Looking outside of the marital relationship to satisfy his needs, especially when I have been here all the time wanting to satisfy them, especially when I've told him that my own needs were not being met - and he still chose to satisfy his needs away from me - that's cheating. That's an affair. Cheating is cheating no matter who you do it with. Period. End of Sentence.
Asshole.
Friday, October 2, 2009
I Never Saw a Thing...
"Prior to Sept 17th, I was just driving down the highway of my life...happy, driving. Going pretty fast, but clear on where I was and where I was going. When out of nowhere...BAM! - The next thing I knew, I was in the middle of nowhere. And I never saw it coming. I feel like the old cliche "Honestly, officer, I never saw a thing..." And afterwards...nothing looked right, nothing looked familiar. I think that I've been racing around, at about 100 mph, the last two weeks, looking for something familiar, something I recognize, something to lead me back to the road that I was on. But I'm starting to realize that my old life is lost. Lost forever. And I'm out here, in uncharted territory, all alone. Imagine how this would feel to you..."
This analogy came to me yesterday as I was trying make my spouse understand exactly how I was feeling. My entire life has changed. The foundation of my relationship with my spouse has been shaken. I am alone, now, like I have never been before. Those friends that I could always tell everything to, can no longer be the same intimate friends that they once were. I feel alone in my circle because, now, I have a secret to keep...all alone. And the only other person who knows it is the person who caused this pain to begin with.
Yesterday was...not peaceful. But last night, it occurred to me that I could stop racing around trying to find something that is gone. It occurred to me that maybe I could slow down a little. Maybe I should slow down a little. Maybe I should even think about stopping to look at the scenery here...where I am now. Yesterday, this thought was terrifying - because I have no idea where I am, maybe I'm on quicksand? Maybe it's dark out there... It's scary.
But today, I'm feeling that maybe, probably, the sun is shining out there. Maybe there are flowers and grass to look at here - where I am now. And just maybe, because I still know where my destination is, I can find my way to where I want to end up. And yes, my world has shrunk, but I need to focus on the fact that I am not alone. I am still very frightened and I'm still glancing around for my old road, and sometimes, I panic and start racing again. But my spouse is with me. And I am relying on him to help us forge a new road together.
This analogy came to me yesterday as I was trying make my spouse understand exactly how I was feeling. My entire life has changed. The foundation of my relationship with my spouse has been shaken. I am alone, now, like I have never been before. Those friends that I could always tell everything to, can no longer be the same intimate friends that they once were. I feel alone in my circle because, now, I have a secret to keep...all alone. And the only other person who knows it is the person who caused this pain to begin with.
Yesterday was...not peaceful. But last night, it occurred to me that I could stop racing around trying to find something that is gone. It occurred to me that maybe I could slow down a little. Maybe I should slow down a little. Maybe I should even think about stopping to look at the scenery here...where I am now. Yesterday, this thought was terrifying - because I have no idea where I am, maybe I'm on quicksand? Maybe it's dark out there... It's scary.
But today, I'm feeling that maybe, probably, the sun is shining out there. Maybe there are flowers and grass to look at here - where I am now. And just maybe, because I still know where my destination is, I can find my way to where I want to end up. And yes, my world has shrunk, but I need to focus on the fact that I am not alone. I am still very frightened and I'm still glancing around for my old road, and sometimes, I panic and start racing again. But my spouse is with me. And I am relying on him to help us forge a new road together.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Question of the Day
If he was satisfied with what he was doing with himself, for himself prior to September 17th, HOW is he going to be satisfied now? With me? Including me? Making love with me and not just himself? How am I going to know? How can I trust his answer? How can I get through a love-making session without wondering what he's thinking about? Feeling like I'm not enough? Feeling self-conscious? Feeling unwelcome?...
okay, maybe more than one question...
okay, maybe more than one question...
How Far Has He Gone?
Two nights ago, my husband cried. He never cries. We were talking about what to say in our counselling session the next day. William shared that he is terrified over the implications of this. He is humiliated. He is sick. He does not want to explore this side of himself, yet he realizes that in order for us to incorporate this into our lives, he must. I tried to reassure him that I would be with him during this journey, but he stopped me. He said that I didn't know everything.
oh, my God. My ears popped and I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. I asked what more was there? William took my hands and led me downstairs to a box in our closet. He took a small videotape out and handed it to me. I looked at it for a moment and asked what was on it. He said it showed exactly how far he had gone in to satisfy his needs. My head kept pounding and I just looked at the cassette in my hand. He said that he wanted nothing more than to destroy it so I couldn't see how much he had humiliated himself, but in the interest of honesty, he had to show it to me. I can't begin to tell you how scared I was. I asked him to please, just tell me what was on it. He gestured at a dildo in the box and told his secret. He said that he had gotten "oral" with it. (I already knew that he had been anal with it also.)
Can you believe that I was a little bit relieved? Here, my husband was crying and in pain and all I could think was "this is completely consistent with autogynephilia." I have to confess - I had to ask just one more question - "was there anyone else on the tape or was he by himself?" He said it was just him, he thinks that he was pretending that the phallus was his own penis. And then he broke down and just sobbed.
oh, my heart... I don't want to disparage anyone who is happy with who they are, but what an awful thing this is - to be compelled to do something that tears you up inside and causes you so much pain. I grabbed William and held him. There was no doubt in my mind as to what I had to do. I handed him the cassette back and said "Here. This is yours." He said "no, I can't." I asked him what do you want to do with it? He said "I just want it destroyed!" So I destroyed it. I smashed it and pulled the tape out and completely obliterated it.
I absolutely feel it was the right thing to do. I do not want to humiliate William; I think that if I had watched that tape, I might have broken something in our relationship that couldn't have been fixed, so I'm very grateful to have destroyed it. Yet my mind keeps wandering back to that tape and wonders... Why does he do this? If I had watched it, would I have learned something helpful? Something that might have helped us get a little farther down the road a little faster? Would I now be certain that this is all? Would it have helped to rebuild my trust - that he has told me everything? or would seeing it have made it worse?
oh, God. What an awful thing this is... Yet it is who my husband is...and I love him. So onward we go...
oh, my God. My ears popped and I could hear the blood pounding in my ears. I asked what more was there? William took my hands and led me downstairs to a box in our closet. He took a small videotape out and handed it to me. I looked at it for a moment and asked what was on it. He said it showed exactly how far he had gone in to satisfy his needs. My head kept pounding and I just looked at the cassette in my hand. He said that he wanted nothing more than to destroy it so I couldn't see how much he had humiliated himself, but in the interest of honesty, he had to show it to me. I can't begin to tell you how scared I was. I asked him to please, just tell me what was on it. He gestured at a dildo in the box and told his secret. He said that he had gotten "oral" with it. (I already knew that he had been anal with it also.)
Can you believe that I was a little bit relieved? Here, my husband was crying and in pain and all I could think was "this is completely consistent with autogynephilia." I have to confess - I had to ask just one more question - "was there anyone else on the tape or was he by himself?" He said it was just him, he thinks that he was pretending that the phallus was his own penis. And then he broke down and just sobbed.
oh, my heart... I don't want to disparage anyone who is happy with who they are, but what an awful thing this is - to be compelled to do something that tears you up inside and causes you so much pain. I grabbed William and held him. There was no doubt in my mind as to what I had to do. I handed him the cassette back and said "Here. This is yours." He said "no, I can't." I asked him what do you want to do with it? He said "I just want it destroyed!" So I destroyed it. I smashed it and pulled the tape out and completely obliterated it.
I absolutely feel it was the right thing to do. I do not want to humiliate William; I think that if I had watched that tape, I might have broken something in our relationship that couldn't have been fixed, so I'm very grateful to have destroyed it. Yet my mind keeps wandering back to that tape and wonders... Why does he do this? If I had watched it, would I have learned something helpful? Something that might have helped us get a little farther down the road a little faster? Would I now be certain that this is all? Would it have helped to rebuild my trust - that he has told me everything? or would seeing it have made it worse?
oh, God. What an awful thing this is... Yet it is who my husband is...and I love him. So onward we go...
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