One Year Later...

Almost one year later...and, boy, have we come a long ways, baby!

I almost feel like celebrating.  One year of an almost more real marriage.  One year of honesty.  One year of sharing.  One year. 

My best friend lost her husband this past weekend.  Sudden heart attack at age 48.  Two kids - 10 and 12 years of age.  It's made me think a lot, this week, about my marriage, about William and our relationship.  I wouldn't change William for anything - well, okay, maybe, honestly, sometimes I wish that the AGP could go, but it's also part of who my husband is.  Part of why he is the way he is.  And I love him, so..., no...I wouldn't change him for anything.  (I'd just have had him tell me sooner!)

Reality is...there's nothing earth-shattering to blog about anymore.  We are doing well.  Real Life has taken over again, AGP no longer dominates everything we do...or think about.  I still read the blogs (I'm thrilled that there is so much discussion about it!)  I'm still interested in learning more about AGP, but I'm not obsessed with it.  We are, obviously, still aware of it.  It doesn't go away.  We are still aware that William needs to be in control of it, else it gain control of him again.  So when we need to, when life gets stressful and "triggers" come up, we still talk about ways to deal with AGP, but those discussions are becoming rarer.   More and more often, we just share our needs with each other - and satisfy them together. 

I'm proud of us.  We've worked hard to make "us" work - and we are both happy.  So Congratulations to Us! 




 

Something to Think About...

Quotes from a book that I just finished reading...

"Love that lived beyond passion was ephemeral...It existed outside of time, on a continuum that couldn't be seen or described.."

"Never to give up the primacy of sex was to die alone, in a kind of poverty.  It was never to know the comfort of sex without need."

"...marriage brought a kind of simple pleasure, a pleasure in the continued company of another human being, the act of caring, of carrying with you the thought of someone else."

-Robert Goolrick
"The Reliable Wife"

Life is Good!

Hi all!  Just a quick update.  Summer has gotten quite busy with the kids and, and, and.  So I haven't had a chance to blog.  But William and I are good. Good enough that we are putting ourselves to the test.  Prior to my discovery, we had started a process to do something.  Something big. Something that will cause some changes in our life, but will also likely bring a certain level of stress with it.  After all, even good things can be stressful.  Anyway, this spring, we had sort of a "now or never" decision to make - so after much (MUCH!) discussion, we elected "now."  So it's started...  It's a good thing.   

This week was a big week in that process, probably the biggest one that we'll have, truthfully.  I've been a bit worried how this would affect William, me, us, our marriage, everything.  Well, maybe not really worried, per se, after all, we talked about this a LOT before we proceeded.  But perhaps...aware?  We are really trying to focus on "us", on our stress level, and on reducing that stress level while we go through this.  William wanted to do a "big" dress this week - out of cycle.  Which means he is under more stress.  At first, I was a little upset (at myself for continuing on with this project), but then I thought about it more.  Actually, his request was a good thing.  It means that we are identifying our stressors and working hard to relieve them.  Working together.  Talking together.  Talking things out.

And we're good.  :) 

Link to New Blog

I received a very nice email from the male half of another couple trying to incorporate something "different" into their marriage. He is also blogging about it and offered up a link to his blog. Here's part of his email to me:

I also wanted to say that both my wife and I have some understanding of the dilemma you have found yourself in, as we are now going through similar experiences with regards to how my crossdressing has progressed from wearing - to dreaming - to become a male-lesbian during intimacy. Though our situation is a bit different from yours as far as my dressing goes, it is this last aspect of my transvestism, something that even I do not understand completely, that we are now trying to deal with. In attempting to articulate and understand the many questions my behaviour poses to both me and my wife, I too have begun to write a blog of my own http://www.imitationsofreality.com which I hope will shed some light and be of some help to others who find themselves in a similar situation.

I will read with interest - the other perspective is so very helpful to me in my own journey...

My Son Wants to Wear a Nightgown

A long time ago, I told my son that if he wanted to wear a dress like his sister's, it was okay with me. He absolutely loves pink and purple and pretty things. He's declined to wear dresses until now, mostly because he knows that other kids would tease him, I think. Then, three nights ago, he asked if he could wear a nightgown to bed. He's seven. I'm wasn't sure if he was serious or joking around, so I just said "sure" and tried to be very nonchalant about it. He put on one of his sister's nightgowns (about 2 sizes too small!) and paraded around for a little bit. His sister was giggling about it, but in a "Let's swap -I'm going to wear boys pajamas to bed!" way. It certainly wasn't meant to be cruel. My son wore the nightgown for about 15 minutes before complaining it was too tight around the arms and took it off.

So was it just a joke...or something more?

Anyway, yesterday, I was out shopping. And saw little girl's nightgowns on clearance. I got my daughter a couple of "Princess" and "Tinkerbell" nightgowns - couldn't pass up a good deal...and then, on impulse, got one more in my son's size.

It's still in the bag.

I'm torn between (A) giving it to him, (B) putting it in my daughter's drawer and letting them discover that it's a little bit too big for her which will lead to "oh, maybe it could fit Will, Jr?" or (c) doing absolutely nothing at all with it. Maybe just putting it away until my daughter is big enough to fit into it.

I haven't had a chance to talk to William about it yet - it's been a busy week. And we're moving into the latter half of his cycle where he wants to dress for sex. Will that affect his thoughts about it? Would it be better to wait until he's "post-femm?"

And what am I setting my son up for if I allow it? Neither he nor his sister can keep a secret for anything, so who will they tell? They are spending a night with grandparents this weekend - and I guarantee Grandpa will NOT be understanding. Is it fair to ask them to keep it quiet? I certainly don't want to set my child for any teasing or cruelty.

I know that I need to talk to William about it - and I will, but it will likely be this weekend before we get a chance to really sit down and discuss it. And if we decide to give it to him, it will NOT be before the weekend at Grandpa's. But how seriously should I take this? What do I do?

A Pattern Emerges

Hi all,

It's been awhile since I've posted anything, so I thought I'd get out a quick update. It's odd to think about life pre-Sept '09...and yet, sometimes...this new life almost seems surreal...

A pattern has emerged. William doesn't like it much when I point out, I think he'd prefer to think that "it" was not predictable, but it's undeniable. He's on a 28 day cycle, just like me. His cycle starts with "normal, sex as a male is good" only a couple of times a week. As the cycle progresses, William's desires gradually escalate both in frequency and in his interest in feminizing during sex. It culminates with a big session of role reversal in full drag followed by a cessation of his desires for several days. I have had issues with the "down time" after the "big event", so following the last couple of cycles, William has made efforts to reduce the number of "down days" after to only 3 or 4 - and that has worked for me.

The obvious pattern further emphasizes to me that AGP is fundamentally biological. And in some ways, it's another piece that makes it a little bit easier for me, less personal. My sense of control likes knowing what to expect and when. On the other hand, it can be frustrating when William resists recognizing it. (Not sure why - maybe the "control" again?)

I have to say, eight months post-discovery, that overall, life is excellent. It does sadden me, sometimes, to think about having to deal with this in our lives. I don't dwell on it - it's not worth it, it just crosses my mind occasionally. Then again, no one's life is perfect...and I wouldn't change one other thing about William, so ultimately, it's just life... and it's good.

Hope all is well with all of you out there. God Bless.

Another Spouse

I've gotten a few updates from "R" - the other spouse I wrote about before. She sounds good, hopeful. Knowing that we have made a difference for another couple - it's a satisfying feeling. Truly, it's made my month :) "R" asked a few more questions and I thought I'd share my answers with all of you - perhaps it might answer some of yours as well...

R - But I really wrestle with how far are we going to take this?? I mean, there is not ONE thing that is remotely feminine about my husband in his appearance – he is huge! 6’ 2” and as broad as a door frame and can do just about anything – and it is those very attributes that attracts me to him! What will I do when he wants to appear more feminine in the bedroom and that does NOT turn me on!?!

The one miraculous thing (for me)is that somehow I am not pining away over the lost time (14 years for gods sake) I think we just drew the line in the sand and both stepped over it and are moving forward.


Me - I'm happy for you. I hope you and your husband have the same results that we have had. I won't say "luck" because it's actually a lot of hard work. It's not easy, but it's so worth it! The line in the sand you describe - it's like that for us also. So many other things in our relationship have changed for the positive. We have a much more solid foundation now than before. Williams hears me now when I talk. I don't have to email him if I want him to remember something I said. He really looks at me now and smiles at me. He wants to hug me, hold my hand, share our lives. This is what I imagined my marriage would be like. Not that my life was bad before - it wasn't, but it's so much better now. I feel like we can weather almost anything.

As far as dressing...My husband is dark, swarthy and hairy with a mustache - imagine Freddy Mercury. Truthfully, he looks a bit silly to me in drag. But in some ways, the fact that he looks so masculine to me almost helps. I think if he looked really feminine, it would bother me more. I can't imagine making love to a girl. But even in full drag (wig and make-up and everything), my William is still my William. It's still his eyes looking at me and his mouth smiling at me. He's very vulnerable when he is dressed, but it makes me feel for him even more. Sometimes, I get pangs of "I'm not enough" , usually when other things are getting me down - or if I'm PMS'g really bad! LOL But most of the time, it feels like a sex game and it doesn't bother me at all. It doesn't remotely turn me on at all, but it doesn't turn me off either. Take it a little bit at a time - try some panties and bras first and then build up. And talk about it together! Let him know what you are thinking.