Sunday, January 31, 2010

Back to Addiction Again

I want to thank all of you for your comments. I appreciate the warnings, I really do. You all might be surprised to find out that William feels that his AGP is more of an addiction than anything else. This is a recent "discovery" for him; prior to my finding out about his AGP, he thought that was just sometime that he indulged occasionally, he felt that he wasn't hurting anybody. Now he knows differently. I was hurt, and so was our relationship. In the four plus months since we started our journey, we've discussed the idea that AGP might fall somewhere on the TG spectrum. William doesn't believe that he is TG, although he does agree that there must be some biological basis to this and that there is a gender spectrum that he falls into. He definitely agrees that his lack of self-confidence and poor self-esteem are factors in his AGP, but primarily, he believes that he has conditioned himself into an addiction. So, from a practical standpoint, this is how we are choosing to deal with it. (Note: as far as I'm concerned, if William had told me from the beginning, we would likely be dealing with this in a much different way. It's the pattern of addictive behaviors that have been set that are a problem, not the AGP in and of itself.)

We continue to discuss, at length, how exactly we should deal with this. We both have personal experience with food addiction (me) and alcohol addiction (William, his father and his grandfather) , so we think that we understand the difficulty in "controlling" this. Moderate amounts of food and alcohol are fine for most people. So is cross-dressing and masturbation. It's only the unlucky few that are unable to control their "vices." So...since William has never tried to control his AGP, we have chosen to allow him the opportunity to try. And with that, we are choosing to indulge his fantasies...or at least most of them anyway. William says that it's not always easy. He has been self-conditioned to recognize opportunities to indulge his fantasies, solo and in secret, so those are the times when the urges hit him the hardest. So far, he has been able to distract himself with busy work (when you have a house and two young kids, there's always a long "to-do" list.) We actually discussed this morning the need to continue to address this on a very regular basis. With AA and OA or even Weight Watchers, they hold weekly support meetings for their sufferers. The idea is to provide support for their efforts, remind the sufferers of the reasons why they are working so hard to control their urges. We need to do something similar - and since William has chosen to NOT disclose this to anyone, we are going to discuss them together, regularly. We also discussed additional coping strategies. With the other addict groups, they work to identify triggers for their behaviors and coping/distraction methods to implement when those urges hit. We are trying to do the same thing. Our communication has improved greatly since September, we continue to focus on being completely open and honest with one another. We don't think that we are being dishonest with ourselves. We just aren't willing to throw up our hands and claim defeat against this...not just yet anyway.

I mentioned on my last post that everything isn't 100% perfect. I would say that it's 90%, but there are still a few things that we continue to work on. I trust William's love for me. I trust that he wants to do the right thing, but I don't trust his ability to withstand his urges. So far, he says that he hasn't "fallen off the wagon" and I believe him. But I am also watching him. And he knows it. I still get nervous about "opportunities" and we try to discuss how both of us are going to hande those times.

I also have some problems with the aftermath of our "big-fantasy-indulging" sessions. William is so satiated after those events that his sex drive drops...and stays down for about a week or so. We are still trying to figure out how to deal with this in a way that satisfies both of us. My first instinct is to schedule these "big fantasy indulging" sessions for right before my "monthlies", then I wouldn't care if he wasn't interested in sex for a week, but we've noticed that scheduling the sessions ahead of time isn't good for our relationship either. William tends to get focused on the upcoming event and I feel...second best. So for now, we are not scheduling anything. We talked today about him wearing a nightie to bed a little more often. Originally, he didn't want to do this as he thought that it would reduce the intensity of what he feels, but now we're thinking that reducing it might not be such a bad thing?

There are a few things that William has mentioned that he would be interested in doing with me (he has not pushed) that I am uncomfortable with. One is looking at photos of himself, en femme. (At the beginning of this, he gave me his thumb drive with the photos on it and I have it hidden away.) I think that someday I might, but unfortunately for him, it won't be for "fantasy" indulging. I'm curious what he sees when he looks at them. When I ask, he says that he's not sure. He's never thought when looking at them; he's only felt. He says that he is willing to narrate his thoughts and feelings for me when eventually he does look at them - and agrees that we won't include this as part of a love-making session. I'm not sure when this will happen or how I will feel about it, but I'll let you all know when it does.

And just FYI: for the next few weeks, my posts might be spaced out just as these last few have been. I started a temp job a few weeks ago, so my time is a little busier these days! I'm still reading Jack's blog every chance I get and I read every comment that comes across here. So keep checking in and I'll blog again when I get a chance.


  1. Hi Susanne, I think that you and William are on the right track. There is more to live to life than fantasiees. This is especially true when the fantasies become a compulsion. I wish you the best.


  2. [This is part one]

    I'm going to muse for a while on AGP. (you said I could be as explicit as I wanted in an earlier blog post, so some of what I write will be really graphic so I can make a point).

    What has really helped me to regain some control over my life is to drill down to the root causes of AGP and deal with those causes rather than the behaviors. As people have discussed on this blog, AGP is most likely caused by some mixture of biology and self-image / mental conditioning. I personally think it's about 30/70 respectively, but it probably changes for each person.

    Anyway, I spent years trying to control the behaviors and made very little - if any - headway. The reason for this is because the behaviors aren't the problem. They are just the outward manifestation of the deeper, internal problems. This is true for just about any addiction, really. I mean, the problem with alcoholics isn't alcohol. The problem with alcoholics is their shame, insecurity and pain. Until an alcoholic deals with that, they're always going to be struggling against addiction and relapse. I'm only going to speak for myself on this, but I find that to be completely true for AGP as well - at least if it has gotten to the point of addiction which may or may not be the case with William. Again, I'm mostly speaking about my situation here in the hopes others glean something from it.

  3. [this is part two]

    To illustrate this, let me share with you something that happened in the last weeks of January. For one of the NFL playoff games, my friends and I went to a bar which is themed around really gruff biker types and practically naked beautiful waitresses. When I arrived at this bar, I felt both attracted to the women but also incredibly intimidated by them. I didn't feel as intimidated by the bikers, but I felt as though they represented a kind of masculine aggression and virility that I'll never have and, thus, will never be able to have the kind of beautiful women they can have.

    As we watched the playoff game, I observed the interaction between the waitresses and bikers. I observed how loud and gruff the men were. How'd they paw all over the waitresses and basically tell them what to do and how to do it. I understand that part of the waitress gig is to act as though they enjoy this and are even turned on by it to some degree, but the whole scenario played into my deepest insecurities. That is, the idea that the most aggressive and virile men have sexual access to the most beautiful and desired women. When trying to place myself in that model of social dynamics, I feel nothing but inadequacy and shame. I am sure if I even tried to compete in such an environment, I would be quickly beat into my proper ranking in the male pecking order and, thus, overlooked by the women for not possessing enough strength and power to be worthy of their sexual affections.

  4. [this is part three]

    Anyway, this fueled an usually high degree of fantasizing and masturbation for me in the last weeks of January. I consistently imagined myself as one of the waitresses or a college aged beautiful bombshell walking into that bar who's sheer sex appeal incited all these men to compete with each other for who would have sexual rights to me. I imagined what kind of short, tight dress I'd have on, my lipstick, my hair, my high heels, etc. I imagined myself bending over the pool table to play pool while innocently allowing my skirt to rise up my long, tan shapely legs and revealing the slightest hint of my ass and thong I had on underneath. I imagined how I'd walk, smile and move my body which was more like a woman looking to get fucked than anything else. I imagined all these little details that, collectively, would add up to my outrageous sex appeal that drove these gruff biker men completely crazy. Then I imagined that they would begin to compete with each other for me - sometimes violently. I would imagine I was playing pool with one hopeful suitor when another bigger, stronger more aggressive one would come along and essentially "steal me away" from him by brute force and intimidation. Most of all, I imagined myself being overtaken by my female sexual instincts and, despite my sympathy for the losers in this contest (some of whom had now even been beaten in fistfights over me), I was unable to control my desire for the obvious alpha male - the one who was the strongest and most dominant in the pack and who had beaten all the other men in the contest for my body and sexuality. The alpha male would then claim his rightful prize (me), drag me out of the bar and put me on the back of his motorcycle and take me somewhere where I could perform my rightful duty of sucking his cock with the utmost degree of female submissiveness and lipstick smeared slutiness as the other "lesser" men in the bar wallowed in their envy and frustration, wondering and thinking about how the "winner" was getting serviced. I imagined them feeling a sense of agonizing defeat over not possessing the required masculinity to obtain me while the "winner" proudly reveled in his own glory and superiority over them without regard for their feelings at all. He would be a brute. Full of egotism and dominance and a sense of entitement to my body justified by his brutal and obvious victory in the male competition for me. And despite all protests about life being unfair for this I, as a gorgeous and beautiful woman, was unable to behave any differently due to my instincts. They could only lead me to behave this way regardless of how it made men feel. I was a young, extremely sexually alluring woman who had reserved her best sexual services for a rare, superior man like this. He was above "getting head". He deserved an animalistic cocksucking and swallowing of his semen.

  5. [this is part four]

    Now - if that isn't outright sexual narcissism, I don't know what is. But I ran that fantasy through my mind probably five to six times a day for about two weeks and masturbated to the point I couldn't even orgasm anymore. I had never even thought of that scenario before, nor had I even considered anything close to it. But suddenly it was a central obsession in my life for two weeks. Why? Because I had walked into that bar as my "regular, real self" and felt inadequacy and shame and I let it gain emotional momentum that ran out of control. And, in fact, that was really what at the root of the fantasy: inadequacy and shame. It's not about oral sex, it's about what oral sex symbolizes. It's about the symbol of power and submission. It's about masculine virility and competition for women. It's about the outcome of those contests and the winners and the losers. And, of course, it's about having sex appeal in my own body and the power to present myself as a valuable commodity in the dating market because I don't feel that at all in my real life as a man. All I feel is weakness and unattractiveness.

    For me, I've made my greatest advances when I've chosen to stop those kinds of emotions from gaining speed and triggering obsessive behaviors. It means not looking in the mirror and analyzing my facial structure from a standpoint of how "unmasculine" it is. It means not analyzing my personality in the same way. It means not listening to the voice that tells me I'm disgusting to women and not man enough for them. It means not comparing myself to other men but, instead, living up to my own good qualities and identity. It means not hating myself. When I do that, a lot of my AGP tends to go away. The behaviors themselves dissolve and, beyond them, I feel a deeper need to bond with a woman. To love her and share intimacy with her as my real self, not get lost in narcisstic delusions about sexual heirarchy and my shapely legs and ass driving the whole world crazy. I don't think all these fantasies are bad. I just think the ones that are born from shame and self-hatred are bad. And, to be honest, I think probably 90% of my AGP fantasies come from that.

    Anyway, I really went off here. I'll write more later, but it helps me to write these things and read what other AGPhiles say in response to it.

  6. One last thought:

    Susanne, do you think the fantasy I described above could come from the mind of a biological woman? I mean, do they really think that way and have such fantasies? Or does it sound like this is the fantasy of someone who has a really warped view of what women want and how they behave sexually?

  7. Ag_in_doubt: Fantasies are often not acted upon, so I guess it's entirely possible that a woman would have a fantasy like that. I can confidently tell you that I have NEVER, not even once, had a fantasy like that, however. And nowhere, not even in my fantasies, do I want anything to do with those so-called "strong, virile" types that you describe above. My fantasies are 180 degrees opposite - my fantasy man is the "southern gentleman" who treats "his" woman as the queen that he knows that she is underneath. My fantasies involve having a man who is so much in love with me that he sexually worships me - whose whole goal in our love-making is to make me orgasm at the same time that he does. I guess if I'm honest, I used to have the occasional "rape" fantasy (pre-William), but even in those fantasies, it was a strong, virile man (picture the type on the cover of most romance novels) who snuck into my bedroom, but was incredibly gentle and loving and whose whole goal was to make me orgasm over and over again. (I always laugh when men talk about women's "rape" fantasies!) And never, NOT EVER, have I ever fantasized about giving a man a blow job.

    I actually think that outside of the "rape" fantasy, most women's fantasies involve courtship, committment and "happily ever after", so in that respect, they differ from the man's "tonight" fantasy woman.

    As far as what women actually think and how they actually behave sexually, I can say that there definitely can be power associated with sex for a woman. That's the whole appeal of a "one-night-stand." I've talked with various other women over the years and we all report the same thing: it's the WOMAN'S power over the man that's the turn-on. The ability to make the man forget his mind, beg for what he wants from us - sounds like it's the opposite of my fantasy, but it's actually, in some ways, aligned with it. For a man to recognize my power and treat me accordingly does, in a way, incorporate both power and my fantasy. Again, 180 degrees opposite from your fantasy.

    I think that if a women were to actually behave in the manner in which you describe, I would pity that woman. I believe that a woman like that would have serious self-esteem issues. She would likely allow herself to be abused. She would bounce from partner to partner, perhaps even allow themselves to go into prostitution. I do not mean to be insulting, but I cannot imagine someone exhibiting this kind of actual sexual behavior being at all healthy. Definitely not the kind of woman that I would typically associate with.

  8. When re-reading what I wrote, I want to clarify something: when I said that I wouldn't typically associate with a woman who acted in the manner in which you describe, I was not meaning to be insulting. It would be that our lifestyles would differ so drastically that we would have absolutely nothing in common and probably would never meet and socialize.

  9. Hi, Susanne.

    Don't worry about being insulting - even *I* wouldn't associate with that kind of woman for the reasons you mentioned (serious self-esteem issues, etc). Healthy women simply don't behave that way for real and it's my intrinsic understanding of that fact which made me start questioning these fantasies years ago. I realized I wasn't pursuing any kind of true female identity, but rather a warped version of female sexuality that's closer to bimbos and abused porn stars than anything else. You've written about this incorrect idea AGPs have about women in earlier blogs - so you know what I'm saying with all that.

    Anyway, I'm curious how William would react to the fantasy I wrote about above. I'm hesitant on that point as I don't want to cross lines or inadvertently introduce AGP material into your relationship. I only ask because, in my own quest for understanding, it helps to further clarify common patterns amongst the behavior of AGP's so deductions can be drawn from that. Kind of like asking the ten people who just showed up at the E.R. with food poisoning what they all ate for dinner. When you discover the commonality is a certain restaurant and entree, it's easier to narrow down the causes.

    Still, I don't want to meddle where I don't belong so I'll leave it up to you and your private relationship with William. If you'd prefer to not ask or share his thoughts, that's totally fine. I'm just always trying to understand the bottom line "why" of AGP and avoid the trap of bickering over terminology or getting swallowed up in my own compulsions. I think that is what's most helpful for those of us who are regular people trying to lead healthy lives and relationships. Your blog seems to focus on that more than others, so I figured I'd ask.

    Anyway, I'm glad to hear things are working out with you both. I wish you continued luck and I'll be checking your blog from time to time.



  10. I actually had William read your comments yesterday. Mostly because I was curious to see how close your description of your fantasy matched what he thought and felt. My thoughts since you first started posting has been that he and you are very similar in your thoughts and fantasies. He said that he could relate to about 90% of what you wrote. He definitely relates to the feelings of inadequacy around beautiful women, although he reports that "shame" is not part of his emotions. He understands that his feelings are not socially acceptable, but he still somehow feels that his fantasies are somewhat "normal." As a matter of fact, when I first found out about him, he described his actions as "part of the normal exploration of sex and fantasy." And he still doesn't "get" that I don't find it a turn-on as well (he understands it, but he doesn't "get it - if you know what I mean.) He also reports that your visions of the type of man that you are "servicing" are not part of his fantasy. He reports that his fantasies are more involved around a nameless, faceless man that he describes to be more "himself" than another man. Rather like one of your first comments where you described coming onto yourself if you remember. And he doesn't see the "competition" you describe so much as he is just "becoming the woman who acknowledges the virility and superiority of the man she is servicing (who is himself)." The descriptions, though, of how you move, what you are trying to do as a female...that absolutely and completely fits with what he is feeling. As he says, "sometimes I just want to become a cock-sucking little whore and come." This is the hardest part of AGP for me to "accept." I can understand wanting to feel like a woman, but I just don't understand wanting to become the degraded woman that he wants to be. It is just so far outside my frame of reference...

    We don't role play to that extent in our enactment of his fantasies. He just dresses up and feels...well, whatever it is that he feels. I don't think it's the same for him anymore, having me involved, as it was by himself. I don't think that he can get lost in the fantasy - he always has to consider me and my feelings. At one time, I felt bad about that, but now I'm okay with it. And he must be as well. Since that one Saturday that I blogged about, he has actually refused to act on his urges when they hit him the hardest - even if I am available. He says that it's because it would then be only about him and nothing about me - and he wants "us" to be the focus. I'm proud of him for recognizing that. And pleased as that tells me that his intent to participate in our relationship as a serious partner is sincere.

    I hope I answered your questions, Ag-In-Doubt, if not, let me know and I'll ask William. He is willing to share...and so am I.

  11. Thanks, Susanne. :)

    As strange it may (or may not) sound - your willingness to exchange ideas back and forth has been a big help to me. And, yes, you answered my questions.

    I definitely have some thoughts but I should probably get away from the net for a bit. These past few weeks have been an unusually deep regression for me and, as of right now, AGP owns me. I don't own it. I'll check back in when I've restored some balance to my life and we'll talk more then.

    Thanks again.


  12. Susanne,

    [re-posting my comments on Jack's Blog to here]

    Hi, my name is Chris and I am a cross-dresser. Thank you first for all of your thoughtful commentary here. I have found both yours and Jack's blogs very valuable for me.

    My wife and I have had to have a tough talk about cross-dressing this week. I am 41 and have had this come up for me again. I'm also the guy who just came out to his Mom and found out his grandfather who he never met was a cross-dresser. I told my wife about this and she accepts this is not something that is not going to go away and we need to incorporate it into our relationship.

    But for us, the sexual route is not going to work because she is not a lesbian or bi-sexual. This is the road we went down 15 years ago and resulted in years of hurt feelings and everything other effing thing.

    So I told her this time, since this is something we are going to have to deal with...I don't want to be your lover...I want to try and be a girlfriend. Meaning, no sex just hanging out.

    I suggested I could get dressed and we could craft together....or clean the house. We also operate a website together through which we promote all-female and female-fronted bands. To be honest I've always felt connected to my female side through this project, but never thought about how dressing could be incorporated into it.

    That is because I have channeled nothing but sex and eroticism through my "inner lady" for as long as I've known about her. I feel like that has blinded to some basic truths about what I want from this.

    Specifically, my most fulfilling moments as a cross-dresser is when I have been welcomed into a group of women as a woman doing non-sexual things. For example, many years ago in college when this first started I remember I got dressed up one night and me, my wife and her room-mate played cards. Her roommate looked at me at one point and told me she felt like she was playing cards with her girlfriends.

    Another thing...I have always enjoyed hanging around groups of lesbians interacting with each other in non-sexual ways. It is always fulfilling but I never could explain why. I believe the reason is that I am longing to be a participant in their interactions with each other as a female. In short, I want to be "one of the girls".

    I am hoping to be "one of the girls" to my wife and I hope she can develop a friendship with this aspect of me through shared non-sexual activities. I also get to discover how much of my inner woman is left when the sex and eroticism is taken out of it.

    Does this ring true with anyone else?

  13. This is Chris again...I also wanted to say I have been beset with gender issues for the past 20 years and have went down so many paths trying to explain this aspect of me and none of them have made sense until I found out a few days ago what AGP is.

  14. Hi this is Colin. I'm 26 and AGP/crossdresser.

    First, to AG_in_doubt, I want to say some of your fantasy I like, maybe 80% or so. I like the idea that "sometimes I want to become a cock-sucking little whore", that idea is a turn on for me as well. Why I know not. Also fwiw I don't like the biker type.

    My current girlfriend (of a few weeks) has some pretty intense fantasies, haha. She also DEFINITELY gets off on the idea of being a cock-sucking little whore. I call her a whore and she calls me a slut. Healthy,huh!

    She likes bondage and being forced to give oral sex. One of her fantasies is to be forced to give oral sex, and basically gag on someone's cock. Another is to be tied down and fucked while ball-gagged. A variation on that is to be tied down and fucked by strangers. Yup she's a keeper! I know she likes getting guys horny with her looks , and she dresses slutty when she goes to clubs (skirts, fishnets). Guys would probably call her a tease.

    But AG_in_doubt, I don't think her fantasies are anywhere near that specificity. I think my girlfriend gets off by making the guy WANT her so bad, teasing them so much, they tie her down and TAKE her. So in a sense, it's that same thing, the affirmamtion and the control over men by her looks , driving them sexually crazy that gets her off. She also likes really femme-y guys (probably why she's with me, for the moment anyway), she likes guys that shave body hair, she definitely would not go for the classic alpha male type. In fact the other day she talked me into shaving everything , aand she says she wants to shave me herself... haven't done my legs yet , but I will...

    Of course the problem is that she was abused as a young child and she is unstable. What a shame, though I hope we can give each other what we need... we'll see... I want to tell her about crossdressing, but I am waiting until I feel we are stable enough to handle the revelation, I'm really scared of losing her... this is my first relationship/shared sexual experience in almost four years...

  15. Chris, I've thought about this before...does having sex with my spouse when he is dressed make me a lesbian or bi-sexual? I can tell you that I have never had any sexual interest in women. I've always joked that "I could be a lesbian except for the whole penis thing." Meaning that I can get along living with a woman very well, but I just can't get into her sexually. I have never had sex with a woman. I want a man for that - with a real penis, not a dildo. I've looked at William a whole lot when we're indulging his fantasies - and no matter how much I look at him, I simply do NOT see him as a woman. It's still HIS face looking at me, still HIS body that I'm touching - it's all still him. Am I in denial? I s'pose anything's possible at this point, but for right now, I'm pretty sure that I'm not a lesbian or bisexual.

    The progressive nature of AGP is one aspect that probably will continue to be explored as well, although the "why" behind it is likely better suited to Jack's site. Mine is more focused on the "how do you live with it". I'm curious, Chris, how did your wife react to your request?

    For Colin: It sounds to me like you have a pretty good handle on your relationship with your girlfriend. I hope that both of you will find the stability that's needed to make a relationship work well. Good luck.

  16. Hi Chris and Suzanne,

    This is Suzie. First, I want to say to Chris that I totally relate. My fantasy is to be accepted as a woman. To go into the restroom, fix my make-up and chat with the girls. I want to go into the dressing room and have other girls give me fashion advice. I do not get into the dangerous fantasies. As a woman, I want to be a person that I admire, not one that I look down on. Also, even when I was young, my fantasy was that for one day a week, my mom would let me be her daughter. I also fantasize about my wife accepting me as a woman, but then allowing me to continue to be her husband.

    Suzanne, my wife feels the same way that you do. She does not fashion herself a lesbian. However, unlike you, she cannot make love to me en femme. Her perception of me seems to be very tied to my perception of myself.

    I wish all of us luck in our voyage. People say that gender is on a pendulum. We seem to have all parties represented.

    Good night to all the beautiful girls out there,


  17. Hello Susanne, Suzie, & Colin

    Thanks for your responses to my post. I want to say up front my wife and I have been dealing with my want to express a feminine side for 15 plus years. The wish to express a feminine side is difficult enough but worse is all the bizarre behavior surrounding it that raises even more questions about betrayal, fidelity, trust, sexual orientation and so on.

    All of this *noise* obscures any understanding of the gender issue which continues to resurface (along with the bizarre behavior) until it is dealt with in a meaningful way.

    It has been helpful for me to look at my behavior as a ball of knotted strings, where I can untangle each string and look at it on it own. I have identified four such strings in my life and in analyzing them separately I believe I've come to some conclusions that can help me and my wife move forward.

    My strings are these:
    =Amorous Narcissism: the drive to seek power and influence over others through sexual games involving flirting and seduction.
    =Autogynephilia (AGP): mine seems behavioral in that I desire to be part of a circle of women like friends or sisters.
    =Bondage: Seeing someone tied up and gagged or being in that position myself.
    =Gynemimetophilia (GMP): being sexually attracted to other males who feminize their appearance (e.g. drag queens)

    Before last week, these all appeared to be part of the *same thing*. It was impossible for me to separate my cross-dressing from my sex life or from my need to seek power over others through seduction. But I can see now how my need to express my feminine side got *tangled up* with these other things and produced a lot of bizarre hurtful behavior on my part. My post in its entirety is too long so I will post this in sections beginning with Amorous Narcissism.

    What I call amorous narcissism is the oldest string of the four and the most damaging. I experienced a series of childhood traumas; beginning with separation from my mom at age 1.5 and being raised by my grandparents (dad’s side) as an only child more or less in rural setting. Neither of my parents seemed interested in taking me back even after they had started new families.

    I developed serious intimacy issues as a result of all the loss and chaos and it became extremely difficult for me to form intimate relationships with others. I was disconnected. I also now believe the hurt and anger I experienced being separated from my mother at that age created inside me an *amorous narcissist* that would rule aspects of my life for nearly 40 years.

    The amorous narcissist seeks power and influence over others through sexual games involving flirting and seduction. In me, it manifested during puberty when I became sexually active. I had over 63 sex partners from age 16-23. Only 2 of those resulted in a relationship that lasted longer than a week. I was preoccupied always with influencing women to *want* me and I idolized people who gained such power and influence. Two examples of people I sought to emulate were Prince and Jim Morrison – classic womanizers and also androgynous men.

    Bondage is second oldest and has been arousing to me since I was a little kid. I lost my virginity with a girl who let me gag her while were having sex. When I met my wife, we discovered our mutual interest and began to blossom and explore together.

    Even though I had found the girl of my dreams I did not realize how uncomfortable I was with the male submissive role. I never became aroused by porn featuring males in bondage. Most male bondage porn is *gay* and I am not aroused by the male physique, but even straight male bondage porn with a dominant female is uncomfortable for me to look at. My wife noticed I didn't like looking at myself in the mirror especially while in bondage during our BDSM games. It makes me uncomfortable to see myself as a man in that position.

    I get aroused looking at porn depicting females in bondage, but with a twist -- I fantasize I am the female instead of the dominant. When I discovered cross-dressing, it almost immediately became a means of bringing this fantasy to life as well as escape from my uncomfortable feelings with being a male submissive. I began to emphasize dressing in our sex life. The majority of the time I wanted to get dressed be dominated and treated like a lesbian. My wife got less and less of her needs fulfilled (as both dominant & submissive) as a result. My wife enjoyed my female side, but it seemed to be taking over while my male side was *submerging* so she started to pull away.

  20. AGP & GMP
    AGP & GMP both surfaced during college just a few years before I met my wife. I discovered first that I found the drag queen at the local gay bar extremely attractive and decided to sleep with one. Not soon after that I had my first time out as girl at a "gender bender" party hosted by one of my friends. My friend Kristina helped me with my makeup and I borrowed some of her clothes. My hair was long at the time and she curled it for me. There were no conscious sexual feelings involved in this experience but I did feel like some deep-seated need was being fulfilled by it.

    The second time out was with my wife on Halloween 1993. She helped me pick out a wig, makeup, and all implements and ornaments including shaving off my body hair. She taught me everything about feminine mannerisms (walking, sitting, all the body language). My costume was a fetish outfit inspired by our sex life; we were "S&M Lesbians”.

    When I started crossdressing with my wife, I presented a I experienced such euphoria going out in public wanted to do it more and more. It was intoxicating because I discovered I could be exhibitionistically seductive in a way I never could as a man. I could never be a Jim Morrison or a Prince, but I could be this very sexy seductive woman. Cross-dressing fed my amorous narcissism like nothing had ever.

    My wife and began playing BDSM games with me dressed and we started going out to the local gay bar as "girlfriends". I liked being with her as a woman and her lover, but I was also asking her to be a lesbian in treating me as such which made her uncomfortable.

    By the time we left college and moved to Atlanta, we had already began fighting about the frequency of my dressing and my want to go out in public to be *seen* (amorous narcissism). In Atlanta, my wife left town one weekend after we had been fighting about going out and I decided to go out without her (acting on impulse). My going out was the tipping point where my wife decoupled from my *inner lady*. My amorous narcissism blinded me to any point of view but my own. So when she criticized my behavior, I thought she was just jealous of me.

    I continued using my *inner lady* to gain power and influence over others through sexual games involving flirting and seduction in the cyber-world of the internet. My targets were not other women, but other men I found in chat rooms who had feminized their appearance like me (i.e. GMP). I also created a website for my *inner lady* and put up pictures of me in bondage. The site became quite popular which further fed my narcissistic stature. During this period were several episodes of getting caught in the act of being seductive and opening myself up to the possibility of real life encounters, which has devastated my wife over and over again.

    After looking at all these as separate things instead of one big morass, it is clear that I need to separate the sex & eroticsism (i.e. narcissism and so on) from my crossdressing. When I do that, the need to be out in public and subtley titillate or seduce people with photos or whatever simply vanishes in a puff of logic. Or at least now that I've named it, it no longer has power over me. I do not need to be public with this, it can be a shared activity with my wife. She is receptive to my idea of non-sexual interactions and treating this aspect of me like my "sister" who comes over to help her clean, do crafts, and other girlfriend activiities.

    As far as my having a circle of women to be part of...I realized I already do. My wife knows, my mother knows, my sisters know. And four of our closest female friends know. No one has been judmental of my being a crossdresser, but all have been unhappy with the way I've handled myself. I can have their acceptance and support if I handle myself responsibly and I hope someday they can be girlfriends with my sister side too. This doesn't mean I want to go shopping with them or anything like that, but a game night might be cool.

  22. Very interesting! Kudos, Chris, to you for your efforts to understand yourself. I like your breakdown and your efforts to deal/understand with each aspect. I've often wondered if William had other issues or if AGP was just that multi-faceted. In some of my research of AGP as a sex addiction, I've read that most sex addicts also suffer from other issues as well. One of the most common is narcissistic personality disorder. I've never heard of Gynemimetophilia (GMP), but you can bet that I'll be doing some reading about it. I wonder if that's part of William's strong desire to look at photos of himself? He also likes to look at photos of other men in lingerie.

    I will be curious how well separating your sex life and your cross-dressing works for you and your wife. I've often thought that it would be easier for me if William just wanted to cross-dress. I don't know why, maybe because it's more "understandable"? He doesn't, though. Once sex is done, he's out of the clothes pretty quick. Usually anyway. As I wrote before, we've talked about him wearing more nightgowns to bed - it's just a little easier said than done with two small kids (when we don't want them to find out.)

  23. Suzanne,

    This is Suzie. I am like William in that once I have an orgasm, I undress and return to my male persona. I have not been involved in bondage and do not fancy the concept. In terms of non-sexual experiences, I have tucked myself in at night and put on a bra and panty. However, I always have to end it with self-satisfaction. The girl in me thinks that it would be cool to be girlfriends with my wife. However, another part of me feels that the dressing is symbtomatic of other issues. I think that it is great that you are open to having a new girlfriend. William should see whether it works for him to determine whether it is gender dysphoria or simply a fetish. The one question that I have is whether William takes on a female name or is just a man in a dress. One time you mentioned that you saw pictures of a man with a mustache in a dress. I tried to cover-up my female side by growing a goatee. I did not want to be the bearded lady. To me, it is interesting that William apparently has not done anything to alter his appearance. I, on the other hand, have shaved body hair and grow my nails. Good luck, Suzie

  24. Suzie - In answer to your questions, William does not have a feminine name for himself. He's just the "man in the dress." He's had a mustache since high school. I have wondered if it was his way of "hiding" himself from the world. Right after my discover, he grew his findernails out long, but clipped them after a few weeks. To my knowledge, that's about it for body altering. I don't think William really wants to be my "girlfriend", he'd prefer to keep these activites confined to sex, I think. But he's also open to doing whatever is necessary to help keep this "monster" under control. And if wearing a nightgown to bed a couple of times a week makes the stronger urges lessen, he's willing to do it.

  25. Hi Suzanne,

    I think that you and William are on the right track. I do believe that it is a "monster" based on how much disruption it causes in one's life. If it is so great, we would not be hiding behind keyboards (my apologies to those girls that are out there). I hope that you and William tame the beast. :)Suzie

  26. At it's best, I think AGP can be channeled into a relationship in a healthy way. At it's worst, AGP feels like you are in a cult with yourself. That's the part that gets reclusive and compulsive and lost in some bizarre fantasy world.

  27. Susanne

    Thx for the kudos and I'm so pleased you found value in my comments and analysis. There are probably many AGPs who are struggling with similar issues and who could benefit from some advice.

    I think "monster" is an apt descriptor. I call this side of me my "dark passenger" because of all the bizarre, hurtful things that it has "made" me do.

    I found your comment about sex addiction relevant to my own situation. I am open to the possibility my "amorous narcissism" is but one component in a larger mechanism of addiction.

    I *do* have a masturbation addiction, which developed in puberty. I was picked on a lot in school and would come home and seek comfort and solace in masturbation. Through those experiences, I conditioned myself into making masturbation my primary mode of sexual release. Even though I had a lot of sex partners in my youth, I was virtually unable to cum inside any of the girls I was with unless I gagged them, and sometimes even then I would have to pull out and masturbate to get release.

    My lack of intimacy caused by that early separation from my mother provided a fertile ground for this brand of *self contained* sexuality. It also goes all too well with viewing pornography and makes it possible to isolate oneself from partners and lovers. Pornography + Masturbation in isolation is the essence of sexual addiction for most people including myself.

    But Susanne, your comment suggested to me that I may have the "other* type of sexual addiction which is addiction to stranger sex. While I never physically betrayed my wife, there were plenty of times that my flirting with or seducing other Trannies online would end up in masturbation. Perhaps the "amorous narcissism" I spoke about is really just another facet of sexual addiction for me.

    So what does this mean for my dressing? I still believe (or hope) my gender issues are separate from my sexual addiction and not simply a facet of it. I guess that is the main reason I want to try a be a girlfriend to my wife and do *non-sexual* things with her. But what if it isn't?

    I will have to admit that *all* of my desires surrounding dressing are sexual in nature and have nothing to do with truly expressing a feminine side, even my desire to part of a circle of women. I admit I always picture myself as a sexy desirable female in that imagined circle of women, I'm never ugly or plain in those fantasies. So am I really wishing for this circle of women to be a group of lesbians who will be my friend but also find me desirable?

    I guess we will find out when I start dressing again with my wife. I am not planning on dressing for sex with her -- I want to wear a version of what she wears around the house -- yoga pants, a tank top and yoga shirt with my wig and makeup. I am not shaving my body or growing out my fingernails. Also no more fake names, from now on I am "just Chris".

  28. I made a connection while talking to my wife this morning about the observations I've shared with you here. I realized why as a young man I was never able to get release *inside* women without gagging them first. It was *transference* -- my fantasies of being the damsel in distress -- I was gagging them and fantasizing about myself in that role.

    No wonder I came across as *disconnected* or *cold*; This *transference* along with my masturbation and intimacy issues assured I was completely self contained.

    I don't know what this means yet as I am still processing, but my first thought is am I capable of romantic love and intimacy at all? Have these functions withered up and died in me from years of neglect? Can I spin them up again? If I can't, I have no choice but to live out the rest of my days alone. All I will do is hurt the person I'm with.

  29. Hi Suzanne and Just Chris,

    My wife and I were once speaking about how I believed that it would be easier as a woman because men are responsible for finances. That was the way it was in my house growing up. I also find that my fantasies increase when I am stressed. The less money I have, the more I want to spend on feminine items for myself. I also was reading about ADHD and how people with ADHD also get into Dopemine [sic] rushes. That is how I feel when I am stressed. I want to literally go out of my body and into a female body. I think part of the issue is that men do not talk openly about their feelings and even having an open conversation is considered feminine. I think that we would all be better off if we could wear dresses when we are feeling feminine and sweats when we are feeling masculine. I also think that there probably is not that much difference between men and women, but we try to maintain the differences to maintain the status quo. It's too bad, but that is just the way it is. I do not think that William wearing a nightgown at night is a horrible thing. Given his facial hair, I also do not think that it is a beautiful thing. I also do not think that it is wrong for Just Chris to walk around in yoga pants and a tank top. Additionally, Chris is both a feminine and a masculine name, so there is no reason for a feminine name. We are all part of the human race and need to love one another. Right on Girls, Boys, and Every one else. Suzie

  30. @Chris (from Colin) Part 1

    Thank you for your great post. I agree that these factors (amorous narcissism, AGP, bondage, GMP) are separate but intertwined. For myself, I just have the AGP and interest in bondage. I did not have many sex partners when I was younger.

    I just want to point out that AGP is not mutually exclusive with intimacy! For almost four years I was alone in my own private 'self-contained' sexuality (due to immense fear and anxiety). It probably bordered on sexual addiction. I stayed home , crossdressed, and masturbated by myself. I didn't even touch a girl for four years even though I dreamt of having a girlfriend -- I was too afraid. I deliberately avoided all girls due to the fear I wasn't 'normal' and I was too fucked up to deserve love, affection or a relationship. My relationships prior had ended in absolute unmitigated disaster. It was only after reading Jack's and Susanne's blogs that my perspective on this changed. So I decided to go out dating again.

    I never thought I'd be able to be close with women again, and that all these functions had 'dried up' or 'burned out' after crossdressing by myself and looking at porn for four years. But they have not !!

    It just took time. At first I would be so nervous I couldn't even get hard-ons around the new girls I would be dating. I would get really scared and nervous and I felt like I had no idea what I was supposed to do. But after awhile, I just started getting to know my new girlfriends as people, and sleeping over, giving each other backrubs, etc. I told them up-front it had been awhile since I'd been with a girl, and that I was unlike most guys and that I was really sensitive and caring, that I had alot to offer, but they'd have to be patient with me.

    And after spending time together , trust slowly began to build and I started getting horny around my new girlfriends. This especially helped after we talked about our sexual fantasies together. I avoided the crossdressing, but I always talked about all the bondage stuff I'd done and I'd like to do. This proved to be a good idea because I was dating girls who were at least mildly curious about bondage. As it stood, I ended up with a new girlfriend, offically dating since about three weeks ago, though we've known each other for a couple of months.

    Over Valentine's weekend we went on a trip to another city together, and I acted out some fantasies with her... she wanted to be topped , so I tied her down to the bed, and teased her and made her give me a blowjob, then put a gag back in her mouth etc. She was a bit awkward at first, but I made her feel comfortable, and I narrated her fantasies to her the whole time, tenderly running my fingers on her body, telling her she needed to be good, etc etc. She loved it! When I had an orgasm I was watching her tied down, IMAGINING what it felt like to be her, playing her role. There's nothing inherently wrong with this as an AGP, nor will it prevent you from an intimate relationship! This was a revelation to me.

  31. @Chris (from Colin) Part 2

    It simply is not that important, especially if your partner KNOWS that's what gets you off. Who cares what you are thinking about during those 10sec to 80sec when you cum. I mean, we, as AGP humans, have the task of creating productive sex lives despite having AGP, crossdressing, bondage fantasies, whatever. A couple of months ago I would have never thought it would be possible again to be intimate with a woman, get hard in the same bed with her, tell her my fantasies, have orgasms with her, share makeup tips, have her let me wear her clothes, have her give me goosebumps, but here I am with a new girlfriend, acting out bondage fantasies, putting makeup on together, borrowing her clothes, and switching dominant/submissive roles to our mutual satisfaction. Wtf! If I had known it was as easy as going out , being honest, and trying, becoming confident in yourself and the fact that you deserve love and affection despite being fucked up, I should have done this four years ago.

    I haven't yet explitly told my girlfriend about crossdressing, but she kind of knows. I'm 90% sure she won't care, I just don't want to fuck up the timing, since we have other big issues to deal with. There are a couple of complicating factors in this relationship (she has an STD and I do not), we are trying to make a plan for how to handle that, what is okay in bed, what is not, how we will manage avoiding the risk of transmission, whats an acceptable level of risk etc etc. But this turns out to be a bigger deal than the AGP or crossdressing! It's not that big a deal!

    She does my makeup (eyeliner and mascara) before we go out to clubs on the weekends. She lets me borrow her clothes, and gave me a pair of her long underwear during the snow and said I looked cute in them (they had flowers on them, haha). She lets me pick out sexy outfits for her. She wears high heels for me even though she hates wearing them, she likes me enough to do it. She loans me her shirts that are way too tight for me to let me sleep in and says I look cute. I guess what I'm saying here is that AGP/crossdressing/bondage doesn't necessarily have to be destructive. Even the part about fantasizing about having the female role!

    My girlfriend knows that I get off imagining her role, but doesn't particularly seem to care because she is getting her needs fulfilled that she's never gotten from any guy before. From her view, She has a really sensitive caring sexy and somewhat feminine guy who is willing to fulfill her sexual fantasies of submission , and doesn't judge her for some of her fucked up fantasies. In return, she doesn't judge me for mine, understands how I feel and is willing to reciprocate and become dominant for me even though she's not naturally like that. But she's still pretty good at it! As things go along, we are both naturally getting turned on even when we are in our opposite roles of being dominant! (we are both naturally submissive). And once you get close to somebody and let them in, you don't worry so much anymore.

    For example, I never thought I could learn to enjoy the traditional 'male' role in the bedroom... normally it gives me immense anxiety. I still don't like seeing myself in the mirror during sexual acts... But with my girlfriend, it's become much easier. It's almost like we are lesbian girlfriends or something. I know she won't judge me if I'm bad at something... and I have the confidence in myself to know that I deserve love and affection too. I'm beginning to trust her, and since I know she is bisexual and kinky, she has dated girls before etc, I now get turned on doing 'male' things that would have scared the hell out of me just a few months ago (like making her kneel down to give me a blow job etc). She knows I'm imagining to be her, but it turns both of us on -- and so what? ;) If we both like it (for whatever reasons), who cares!

  32. @Chris (from Colin) Part 3

    I know she doesn't think of me as a TRADITIONAL male and doesn't expect that from me. She knows I'm really femme-y and she likes me for that. But once these masculine expectations are removed, and there is no performance anxiety, then its MUCH EASIER for me to take on the masculine role just to please her! I know I'm more naturally feminine, but I take on a masculine role for her because I like her so much! And I know its just for a few minutes, and there is no pressure, so I feel free to experiment and push boundaries in both directions (masculine and feminine).. What also helps is that I know my girlfriend just as likely to climb on top of me and hold me down , and put her hand over my mouth and tell me I'm her slut (hah)... so I actually feel comfortable exploring my 'male' role. I feel like we have something private between us that's our secret that we can both share and there's no judgement, we both can feel safe around each other...

    In terms of the fact that to orgasm I need to fantasize about her role, I really don't think this is a big of a deal as I once thought. She doesn't seem to care -- she's getting what she wants and needs from the relationship, so what specifically the thought that gets me off just is another cute kink to her. For example When she asks me what I'm thinking about when I cum, I tell her! For this past weekend I said, I'm imagining what it's like to be you, feeling tied down like that with cuffs on your wrists, feeling all helpless , vibrator in your pussy, it must feel really nice etc. I wish I was you! She smiles and kisses me. Then she starts telling me how next time she will tie me down, and starts talking dirty about what she is going to do to me (gag me, make me wear a butt plug, etc etc). I feel like our sexual relationship is pretty healthy, as far as it can be for two really kinky fucked up twenty-somethings!

    I mean , I guess in line with other AGPs my childhood was miserable, I always felt out of place, was constantly made fun of, identified with girls rather than guys, liked to cross-dress in secret, wished I was a girl deep down, was suicidal for a period of time , etc etc. The fact that things are turning out okay at age 26 after a miserable 4+ years of crossdressing and masturbating by myself should give people hope, that yeah it is possible to turn things around.

    As for my new girlfriend, because she was abused, she is rarely able to have orgasms around guys... but with me it's getting easier and easier for her. At first she couldn't do it, but now she can pretty consistently with her vibrator with me next to her narrating her fantasies of being submissive, and playing with her breasts, etc. I almost feel like we are lesbians together! So I think one thing with AGP guys is to find someone where you can offer a mutual benefit.

    I think a girl is much more likely to be understanding and help you out (be okay with gender stuff) if you can offer her something in return that no other guy has given her. Once you can find this, she will be so grateful she won't really care what your kinks (or gender identity issues) are. I think AGP just need to make an effort and building a healthy relationship with lots of communication and trust. Communication is definitely key.

    So I guess my point is that AGP doesn't necessarily have to be *disconnected* and *cold*. You just have to open up to your partner. Tell each other fantasies. Laugh about them , tease each other in a loving way. Gently run your hands on each others bodies etc.

    I suppose the advice I could offer from my experience over the past couple of months is that don't give up hope, find a compatible kinky girl or guy (bisexual is better), and that if you focus on building a healthy relationship FIRST with intimacy , trust and honesty, then the AGP /crossdressing / gender dysphoria / bondage/ whatever is water under the bridge.


  33. Right on Colin, this was a great read! You and I seem very much alike, in fact the stories of you and your girlfriend remind me so much of me and my wife when we were your age.

    See, I *had* what you have and I fucked it up and it can never be again. No one can know what will happen with you two, but if I would like to offer you some advice for now and the future.

    First off, be honest with her NOW. I know it's terrifying but she deserves to know about this aspect of you. And be honest with her always above anything else.

    Be sure to not let dressing take over in the bedroom and be a male presence for her as much as she wants. Don't forget, the bedroom can be a safe way for you to explore your male side as well. That was one of my biggest mistakes is I let female presence in the bedroom eclipse my male one.

    Thanks again for the great post and best of luck you and yr lady :)

  34. Colin Responses - Part I

    "Bondage is second oldest and has been arousing to me since I was a little kid. " -Just_Chris

    Me too!

    "I never became aroused by porn featuring males in bondage. . . . " -Just_Chris

    I didn't either Chris... I really can't stand male bondage porn. I always preferred lesbian bondage porn, and still do. I imagine myself to be in the female role. Luckily my girlfriend likes the same porn... it was to both of our delight to find we watched all the same lesbian bondage sites!

    "My wife noticed I didn't like looking at myself in the mirror especially while in bondage during our BDSM games. It makes me uncomfortable to see myself as a man in that position." -Just_Chris

    Myself as well. I don't like seeing myself in the mirror during bondage. I much prefer to have my girlfriend tell me I'm her slut and not look at a mirror at all so I can pretend we are lesbians together!

    "The majority of the time I wanted to get dressed be dominated and treated like a lesbian. " -Just_Chris

    Yes, it was like this in previous relationships. Even now, when dominated I like to be treated as a lesbian rather than a submissive male. My girlfriend who is somewhat lesbian , and used to date girls from bondage sites, seems to prefer the lesbian side of me while I submissive, and the male side of me when I am dominant.

    "The second time out was with my wife on Halloween 1993." -Just_Chris

    I never really had the desire to go out crossdressed, and I still don't. I'd much prefer to stay around the house with my significant other, even if just getting dressed up and reading or watching movies together. Even when my girlfriend and I go to bondage clubs , I wear male or androgynous clothes. I don't really like being seen in public crossdressed... perhaps I'm just too self-conscious about my cross-dressing.

    "In Atlanta, my wife left town one weekend after we had been fighting about going out and I decided to go out without her (acting on impulse). I also created a website for my *inner lady* and put up pictures of me in bondage. The site became quite popular which further fed my narcissistic stature." -Just_Chris

    Ah , yeah... It's becoming clear to me the most important factors in dealing with AGP / crossdressing in relationships is honesty and trust. I too like crossdressing and bondage, but I didn't get to this level, though I understand completely where you are coming from.

  35. Colin Responses - Part II

    "She is receptive to my idea of non-sexual interactions and treating this aspect of me like my "sister" who comes over to help her clean, do crafts, and other girlfriend activiities." -Just_Chris

    In my previous experience, this is a good way to express and let of feelings of crossdressing. I've always liked dressing up without explicit sexual goals, it always was really relaxing and comforting... though as an added bonus I am sure it will get me really horny for later. I especially like sometimes wearing comfortable soft female clothes to bed (shirt, skirt, tights). Especially when I am not that horny. Though crossdressing doesn't explicitly turn me on as much as it used to, it still has a sexual component. I sometimes like staying in clothes after orgasm, but generally I've found it's better to build up with cross-dressing beforehand, and doing non-sexual activities while dressed (or sleeping while dressed up) with the understanding of doing sexual activities either later that day or the next several days. My current girlfriend likes to tease me so I'm sure that this will work out well.

    " Suzie - In answer to your questions, William does not have a feminine name for himself." -Susanne

    I have a feminine name for myself. In fact, two names with distinct personalities. One came from the time with my first girlfriend, who suggested the idea, and another from my years alone. The personality of the former is far more well-integrated and the latter more risk-taking and unpredictable, which I find interesting as I reflect.

    "At it's worst, AGP feels like you are in a cult with yourself. That's the part that gets reclusive and compulsive and lost in some bizarre fantasy world."-AG_in_doubt

    Absolutely. That's how I felt for years and that's why I was so adamant on trying to get into a decent relationship after reading Susanne and Jack's blogs. I knew if I didn't do something I would spend the rest of my life in a cycle of unhealthy sexual addiction, and worst of all , with no one to share it with. I would be willing to resign myself to that fate, but only if I first gave it a try for a few years to find a partner. Now at least I have a partner so we can keep each other in check and grounded to reality.

    "I still believe (or hope) my gender issues are separate from my sexual addiction and not simply a facet of it. I guess that is the main reason I want to try a be a girlfriend to my wife and do *non-sexual* things with her. But what if it isn't?" -Just_Crhis

    It's definitely possible Chris. I used to do it (seperate gender and sexual addiction issues) all the time with a past girlfriend, and plan on doing this with my current girlfriend. I used to dress up for my previous girlfriend and we would read books and magazines together sitting on the bed for hours. It was really nice , cozy and intimate. I felt accepted and safe, and she got to know me better.

  36. Colin Responses - Part III

    "I will have to admit that *all* of my desires surrounding dressing are sexual in nature and have nothing to do with truly expressing a feminine side, even my desire to part of a circle of women." -Just_Chris

    Generally speaking, me too - HOWEVER -- dressing and doing regular activities can be a healthy outlet for the impulses. Just because you don't fantasize about it doesn't mean you won't enjoy it! You get the grafitication of dressing up, you get to share it with your partner, she gets to see your clothes, your partner gets to become closer to you, it builds trust and intimacy, like you are sharing something special and secret together. Plus since it often will make you horny for later, it can also increase the quality and quantity of sex you have with your partner. It will make you feel loved and accepted. So on the whole, in my experience, dressing up and doing non-sexual activities with your partner, even if infrequent, tends to be a healthy way to express the whole AGP/crossdressing component,. It's almost like a 'release valve' and it will draw you and your partner closer together and will make you feel safer in your dual identity, and even help integrate these identities together coherently.

    "I want to wear a version of what she wears around the house -- yoga pants, a tank top and yoga shirt with my wig and makeup. I am not shaving my body or growing out my fingernails. Also no more fake names, from now on I am "just Chris"." -Just_Chris

    I havent' really thought about what I will wear around my new girlfriend, but I don't really see a problem in wearing what I like , including skirts, high heels etc. That's what I used to do anyway and it was not a problem. Granted we didn't have kids around... I don't see any need to copy my partner's clothes... I think that it would be nice to just dress up for a few hours once a week wearing some clothes I already own that I like, read books on the bed with my girlfriend, write, cook, or watch a movie together or something. That's one of my intermediate term goals, anyway.

    In terms of names, I don't think this is a big deal either way. I think I will probably use my regular male name, but who knows, maybe I will try both and see. I think the idea of a name is just more conducive to integrating a self-concept rather than something you have to actually use in interactions with your partner.

    I'd like to shave my body for dressing up, and I think my girlfriend would be okay with this, since she already asks me to shave my chest, genitals, armpits, face, thighs, etc so I don't really think it will be a problem if I shave my legs. At least maybe until summer when we go swimming! ;)

    "If I can't, I have no choice but to live out the rest of my days alone. All I will do is hurt the person I'm with." -Chris

    I thought this about two months ago, and for years in the past, but this is Definitely not true. I think I'm falling in love right now with someone, and I've been really open about everything about myself. There are problems , yeah, and things are not perfect, but everyone, including AGP/crossdressers , deserve love. It just takes hard work.

    And even if my current relationship doesn't work out, I will find someone else who will love me and wants to be with me.. I know I am a good partner, and I know all of us deserve love, and we will not necessarily hurt the people we are with, not as long as we are honest and try to channel AGP/crossdressing in a healthy mutually beneficial way.

  37. Colin and Chris, I love your dialogue! Thank you.

    Chris, I truly do believe that having AGP does NOT mean that you are destined to be alone forever. To have a completely healthy relationship DOES mean complete and honest ocmmunication, however. It sounds like your wife is still with you? If she is, then I believe that you two still have a chance. There is a lot of stuff to work through and I would highly recommend a counselor - one that you both feel comfortable talking with. You don't need to discuss the specifics of what you are doing, but William and I found that having an mediator was helpful in discussing our feelings. Otherwise, the pain and hurt got too big and it just got ugly. The third party helped us to work through all of those feelings. I highly recommend one for you if your spouse is willing to do it.

    Chris, you are doing a lot of hard work right now and you deserve a lot of credit for making the effort. It's not easy to analyze yourself like you are doing right now. As painful as it is, you are dong the right thing. Keep us informed as to how it is working for you and your spouse. And if there is anything that I can do for you, please let me know. My email address is posted in my profile.


  38. Susanne & Colin

    Thank you SO MUCH for your kindness and openness. Finding this group and getting to know you has been a tall drink of water. I truly feel like I've never been around anyone who was willing to display some common sense about all this until now.

    Posting here and getting great feedback has helped me immensely to sort this mess out. I been able to *name* things (i.e AGP, Amorous Narcissism) in in naming them I have now have a kind of power over them. In truth, you have also saved me $30k in personal therapy :)

    I feel so completely different about my crossdressing now. I see it is a natural expression of the psychodynamics of my personality that I need to embrace, but I also see how it got tangled up with other things that were going on in my life and got out of balance which is really what my wife was reacting to.

    I asked her last night, I said "suppose in Atlanta I would have told you 'you know the whole fetish/bondage thing is getting boring and I would like instead to start dressing around the house and helping you clean, watch tv , read magazines and stuff like that' what would have said?" She thought about for a moment and said "I think I would have been OK with that".

    Btw, my wife and I are still married. I love her and we have a good relationship that is worth saving. Luckily be both feel that way too. As you can tell I have *bad days* with all this where I think my chances seem less and less. But Colin's youthful optimism Susanne's kind words give me hope we can make it.

    Thanks again to both of you :)


  39. Honest and complete communication *is* the true essence of a healthy relationship. I've been unaware of who was in the drivers seat during those times when I have been dishonest with my wife and doing things I shouldn't.

    I'm referring my narcissism, which looks less like a *dark passenger* andmore like a horny 14 year juvenile with no developed ability to be honest or care about consequences. A sad case of arrested development.

    I still want to cross-dress, but I will not be dishonest with my wife or myself about it. Since I know what was *really going on* with the things I was dishonest about (i.e. being seductive and flirty with other cross-dressers, being *public* with cross-dressing through in internet or in real life) they no longer have the charm they once did.

    I have finally found the exit to *bizarre fantasy world* (hat tip AG In Doubt) and can finally leave this dark place and get on with my life and my wife. Free at last.

  40. I wish to acknowledge and show my love and support for Just Chris. I know you better than you think and I will be with you every time you need me on your journey.