Tuesday, January 26, 2010

All I Need to Know

I have been reading with great interest all the discussion on Jack's blog (and others) about AGP. It seems to me that many of you out there have said "Enough! If the health professionals aren't going to be of any help to us, we'll try to find our own answers." Good for you. I'm pleased to see healthy discourse on the subject. And yet, for all the discussion and efforts to determine the what and why? behind AGP, the most difficult part of AGP is living with it. I will continue reading the blogs and I will still participate in the discussion around trying to define AGP, but really, in some ways, as a spouse of an AGP, I feel that I already know all that I need to know about the subject.

So what do I know? First and foremost, I know that William loves me and that I love him. There was fear that he might not when I first found out about his AGP, but not now. Second, I know that he did not choose to be AGP. oh, he had choices about the behaviors that he chose to indulge, but the basic biology behind this...he didn't choose that, I'm positive about that. Third, I know that William is trying..and even more than that, he is doing. He's not 100% successful 100% of the time, but if I'm honest, who is? I know that he is working hard to make changes within himself - and he's doing it for me...and for us...and for himself. And last, I know that my future with him is as secure as it could possibly be - even if he were not AGP. I don't care where he goes with this, we are going together. So really, what more do I need to know?


  1. He is so lucky to have you. It is nice to hear that there is a happy sounding future to what could have been a very different story. I hope you both can continue and have a long, long life together.


  2. Hi Susanne, I read your latest blog and I politely disagree. I think that you and William are not being honest with yourselves. There is a story about a businessman who became a businesswoman. Michael to Michelle. Michael asked his wife if he could wear woman's clothing and role reverse during intercourse. The wife consented and said we will see where it goes. Michael did not think that it would go beyond the role playing. However, Michelle proved that Michael was wrong. My point is that AGP, like all addictions, is progressive. If you give the addict the power, she will inevitably want to extend the high and go for stronger drugs. I know this because I would like to take hormones to grow my own breasts. I am questioning the wisdom of this based on my reading on anonymous transsexual, who talked about his fight against his own AGP. I was inspired and tried to go one day without fantasying. I could not do it. However, I believe that if I was honest with myself, I would acknowledge that I have a sexual addiction that can be controlled like any other addiction. I wish you and William luck and hope that you and he are successful living in his fantasy world. However, I believe that a better ending maybe that William explore a 12-step program and see if he does have a choice. I am considering that for myself. Fondly yours, Suzie Q

  3. Suzie Q,

    I hope for Susanne's sake that AGP properly dealt with is not progressive. We have seen a lot of stories showing the progressive nature of AGP but in most of those stories support was not given nor was the condition treated as anything but something to be ashamed of. Of course, some people with AGP absolutely will not be able to get around transition. I have seen definite AGPs talk about how they see their lives and at the end point many see themselves as TS whether they started out there or not but I am not convinced that is destiny. My friend Cloudy always makes the point that the core issue is shame.

    I do not identify as having AGP, however, I am personally very ashamed at times by my own issues. I always wonder why I can't be like 99.9% of normal men and generally can't even consider myself male (well, maybe in a very rough physical sense). And then I realize that I really don't want to anyway because I would be an entirely different person. Part of the reason, I have not transitioned is shame and fear that I will never fit in. I was cast into this world and treated like a freak and I really just want to be normal. I am shamed every time I let my guard down and don't think before acting.. my nature shames me. So shame in this world.. this world of gender dysphorias and cruel internal struggles, you are not alone there :)

    Part of my point on coming online over here was to show the diversity in the culture. Too often we all find our way the only way and label everyone who doesn't have our problem some nasty thing. This needs to stop. AGP can not be treated as less than or more important than any other problem it just has to be dealt with. Other gender variant conditions fall in the same boat.

    The thing is that we are not here to assume that conditions are inevitable but to find the best road for everyone to happiness. Some people will have to transition but for men who innately love being men and see themselves as such, shouldn't there be a better path? If Susanne had come to us with a very feminine husband who was cooing and mothering her children and had started taking on much of the female role, my advice would be a thousand times different than what I give. I personally think Susanne is making a very good attempt to deal with a very difficult problem and I salute her for doing so.

    (By the way, my dad considered me insane when I came home from college and started talking to the dogs like a woman talks to children/pets. You have no idea how badly I was shamed for that and it felt natural. I am expected to be some unnatural freak shoved into a cube every day of my life. I grew up learning that I was wrong. Trust me.. lots of shame.)

    Personally, I think that AGP is a condition that if you have must be borne every day of your life. I do not think a 12-step program will cure you. I think you have to both let it exist and hold on to what makes you you. You need to learn to see AGP as an extension of who you are rather than something that denigrates it. So you are a man and you like to fantasize of yourself as a woman, so what? I think what kills most is self denial.

    You solution would be like me trying to check myself into some 12 step program to find this inner boy who just does not exist and has never existed. I am either female or other and I live with it every day of my life. Most of the things about being a male.. I will never understand and frankly do not want to.

    So, live your life with some pride :) You are not alone and there is hope :)

    Honestly, most of the work here is not about getting people to understand what these issues are but allowing people to accept that these are real and healthy parts of who they are as human beings. It is about trying to build that rainbow for everyone.

  4. Hi GenderQuestioning, First, I hate that name. You identify yourself as a woman. You write like a woman. You should identify yourself with a female name. Second, unlike many of us on this site that speak anonymously because we have spouses and children, you do not have those restrictions. You should pretend that you have balls and go through the RLT and SRS and be a real woman, not an internet version.

    Thanks for your kind words. I think that shame drives a lot of my thoughts. When I was younger, my first experience playing dress-up was when I was 4, I put on my mom's lipstick. On my lips, the record-player, everywhere. My mom freaked out. My next experience was sledding with my girl cousins. I did not have any winter clothes and put on red tights. I felt so good. At 5, I was a girl playing with other girls in the snow. As I got older, I tried to repeat that experience, but it was not going to happen. I continued to dress, but in the privacy of my house, when no one was home. I did not have an older sister, so I wore my mom's clothing. I loved a corset that cinched my waist.

    At 10, I had fears that I was doomed to become a woman. I went to a psychiatrist, who wanted to see me for more sessions. However, I did not go back. Later, at 26, I went to another psychiatrist to determine who I was supposed to be. In the last session, she said that she did not think SRS was necessary. At the the time, I did not even know what SRS stood for. After months of therapy, I was finally getting somewhere, and I cut it off (but remained intact).

    Now I am an internet woman, with aspirations of having my own breasts. I would love to be a whole woman, but I do not think that it is in the cards. I remain a soft-spoken male that is considered sensitive and amazes most women because of my insights. I also impress males.

    Thanks for your comments. Good luck to Susanne and Wiliam.

    With fond affections, Suzie Q

  5. Suzie,

    I picked the name to appease all the people who believe you are not a woman until you have transitioned. I hate it as well. It is a mark of stigma. Kind of the cattle prod ;)

    And yes, I am taking hormones and yes, I am planning transition :) Oh ye of little faith, lol :) But still shame and occasional doubts..

    In my private emails I give the name I plan on using when I finally get all the crap out of the way and go full time. In public on the internet, I have other pseudonyms but I am not using them at the moment partially because they are well known. I will have to have to come up with something for FT :) Til then, a little cattle prod is a sweet thing ;)

    But thank you very much :) And best wishes on your journey :)

    Please forgive me my foibles today, I'm getting over illness.

  6. GenderQuestioning, Thanks for your reply. I hope that you feel better soon. I will think of you as Faith, because that is what I have in you. I believe that you will find great joy in your new body. You go gir1! I am so jealous. ;) Suzie

  7. Susanne, I think you summed it up quite nicely. Labels are just labels - they can be useful and they can be harmful. What matters, is your relationship and what you choose to do within it. I can see no reason why your relationship can't be just as fulfilling with your circumstances as any other. Good Luck!

    Miss D

  8. Hello everyone, this is Colin. I was really upset about a month and a half ago and Jack posted my story on his blog.

    @Suzie Q

    Okay first of all, I don't think Susanne is deceiving herself at all. Yes AGP can become addictive, but so can any pleasurable behavior. Alcohol can become addictive. BDSM can become addictive. Arguing with your spouse can become addictive..

    Hell even BDSM can become 'progressive' or 'addictive'. Is that a problem if both partners are okay with it? I don't think so...

    Also I have been cross-dressing for years, and yes, I escalated the makeup and or the outfits, but I've come to the conclusion that what I wanted was a stable relationship with someone I loved, and who accepted me, rather than to 'transition' to fulfill a fantasy that may not be the most practical or realistic.

    I only want to cross-dress once a week anyway, I just want my girlfriend to know the truth and to be okay with it.

  9. @all

    Anyway, as for me, things are going okay in my new relationships... one of them didn't work out because the girl I was dating was hung up on a previous boyfriend. So I had to break that off...

    But I am dating, have a sort-of-girlfriend, and I am sexually active for the first time in years (I had my first orgasm with a girl in almost four years just last week!) and some of my fears are starting to go away.

    What I found worked really well for me was to sleep over with the girl more than once and not worry about sexual pressure. Eventually I just began to get comfortable with her and we would start to get turned on together. Like watch movies, touch each other, give each other backrubs, etc and after awhile you just start to feel comfortable together sexually.

    Anyway, my new girlfriend likes to narrate her fantasies to me, and makes me narrate mine to her, which I really like. So when I narrate fantasies for her, I say I wonder what it would like to feel like to be the girl in ___insert fantasy here, usually bdsm____. She likes it, and it turns both of us on, especially since we are both into BDSM. She is submissive and really into bondage, but she knows I am submissive too, so she will switch and take a dominant role because she knows I like it. In turn, I do the same for her. So that part seems to be working out so far.

  10. I'm being open and honest with her, and I'm probably a few days away from telling my her about my crossdressing. I think she suspects something like that will be coming. Hopefully it won't scare her off but I don't think it will...

    She knows I fantasize sometimes about giving blowjobs... and she said she thought that would really hot (!), and she would show me how to do it. In fact one of HER fantasies is to teach me how to give a blowjob! I couldn't believe my ears when she said that. She tends to like somewhat feminine guys. So there is hope for anyone reading this... I was pretty hopeless just six weeks ago... You just need to find the right girl. I would say the best sorts are bisexual girls.

    The two girls I have dated and things went well were both bisexual. The girls that things did not go well were heterosexual and more closed-minded. So both girls who seemed okay with my gender-queerness were both bisexual and into bdsm. They were also both organized and in control of their academic lives (both get good grades in school). So there are some signs that might help other AGPs look for the right sort of girl!

    I guess my point for anyone reading this is that I have gone through dating a bunch of girls before I found someone who is even remotely compatible. But you just have to not worry about the rejection and move on. Eventually you will find someone who likes and perhaps learns to love you because they trust you, and you the same way back.

    Anyway, I wouldn't say AGP is an addiction per se. Yeah there are components to addiction, but that doesn't mean you can't control it. Anything pleasurable is potentially addictive.

    I think AGP is more along the lines of a sexual orientation. You just need to find the right person to share it with. Good luck to anyone reading. I will let everyone know when I tell my girlfriend about my crossdressing. If you are an AGP person who wants a loving and understanding girlfriend, don't give up hope. It's possible, it just might take some dating and some time.


  11. Best of luck to you and William.

    As I've said before, if there's any one thing I could advise you on, it would be to keep a close eye on the addictive side to AGP. You obviously have a much better grasp on the relationship than I or anyone else here does so I won't presume to tell you what to do or how to do it, but it's worth mentioning the addictive nature of AGP in these discussions - even if that means being redundant.

    I don't know if you plan to keep posting but if you do, I'd be curious to hear more about what William says. In particular, what does HE think about AGP and what motivates him? What does he think it's mostly biological or more mental? Does he think there are aspects of inadequacy fueling it? Those are things I and other AGPhiliacs would probably be interested in knowing.

    In any event, best of luck to you.


  12. If you are an AGP person who wants a loving and understanding girlfriend, don't give up hope. It's possible, it just might take some dating and some time.

    I thought I hit the jackpot when I was 23 years old and met my wife. She was my dream girl; beautiful, smart, and kinky. Most important to this discussion is she was the girl who brought my female side out.

    I've written about this both here and on Jack's blog. She helped pick out my wig and clothes, taught me how to do my makeup, taught me how to walk, sit and so on like a proper lady. She also liked playing BDSM games with me that way.

    Sounds like heaven doesn't it?

    But time passed and at some point it dawned on her that my dressing was not just a passing fantasy, not the "flavor of the month" she thought it was. That's when it started to scare her.

    This has been going on for FIFTEEN YEARS

    My observation is that young girls (20 plus) are *very flippant* when it comes stuff like cross-dressing and bdsm. Sure they think it's "hot" because it's new and different, an erotic novelty. It may even bolster their image of themselves as a "sexual outlaw" (as it did with my wife). But what happens when the novelty wears off?

    I see two possibilities. Either the woman will dump you or if she loves you (like my wife did me) she might stay with you and *tolerate* your xdressing. But it will be very hard on her to do so and cause her a lot of pain.

    If you want to get an idea of what I'm talking about, subscribe to the CDSO mailing list.


    This is a support group for wives of cross-dressers. My wife belonged for a time several years back and we would read the posts together. We left the group because we became overwhelmed with the complete lack of hope and pain displayed by these women over their husbands xdressing.

    I read the posts too and it was absolutely heartbreaking to hear how much pain and torment these men had put their wives through.

    So I guess if all you want to do is date, then you can probably find multiple women who will find this aspect of you *hot*. But if you are looking for a life partner, that person needs to made to understand the *permanence* of this piece of you; that it is a natural expression of the psycho-dynamics of your personality and will be embraced by both of you until death do you part.

    If I could go back knowing what I know now, I would have had this kind of talk with my wife. Unfortunately I can find no evidence that I wouldn't still be single if I had.

  13. Here is an unscientific poll that asks the question: Would women ever date, like, or marry a cross-dresser?


  14. I want to be clear I am not angry with womankind in general or my wife for not accepting this side of me because...

    If the shoe were on the other foot and my wife wanted to dress as a man and treat me like her gay partner...I would find it repulsive and there is NO WAY I would put up with it.