Tuesday, March 9, 2010

Looking through a microscope

After the dialogue following my last posting, I got curious. So I went back to some of the "wives of cross-dressers" support forums that I had joined at the beginning of my journey. I was actually saddened to read many of the postings there. The progressive nature of cross-dressing...the involvement of sex, attraction, etc...the despair of the wives, the confusion - it was quite disheartening. "Just Chris" had mentioned that he and his wife had not found much help in similar forums either for similar reasons. Many of the wives had been dealing with this situation in their marriages for a long time - longer than I have been - and yet I feel that we have come so much farther in our journey. Thank God. It has caused me to do a considerable amount of soul-searching lately, though, about us. William and I and our lives together - and our solution to this problem.

I looked hard at William the last time he dressed and pondered...how do I really feel about it? I know it absolutely does NOT turn me on, but it doesn't turn me off either. In the beginning, I was so relieved to be a partner in what we were doing that I actually enjoyed it. Yet as time goes on, I have to admit, it does feel a bit strange to be making love to my man as a "woman." And after much thought, I think it's because with him dressed as a female, I'm still a bit confused as to exactly what my role is in what we are doing. We have discussed this ad nauseum - and yet when we are in the act, I still feel awkward. Not bad. Just "discombobulated?" And while it does not affect my physical enjoyment of the act, it does feel a bit strange...

And maybe I'm just PMS'ing, but I also have to say that it's rather "annoying" for me that William is turned on just by dressing. There is nothing that I have found that turns me on that quickly. For me, foreplay is vital...and while there is a large mental/emotional component involved with foreplay, the physical exchanges that occur during that stage are just as important. William is fully capable of being fully involved, but there are times when he can also be "lazy" during that stage of lovemaking - which just annoys the "*&^%$" out of me. It probably stems back to the days when he complained about not liking sex because it was too much work, so I feel like if I need him to "work" at anything, then I'm potentially creating a problem. It's all part of the past that still affects the future a bit, I guess. Thankfully, we have been able to discuss it and are continuing to work through this, so it's not a cause for alarm...just more conversation, discussion and and learning about each other and how we are working through all of this.

The journey isn't over, but despite my ponderings, I know that we are in sooooo much a better place than we were six months ago, it's amazing... There are several reasons why we are doing so well. Improved communication, total honesty...but I also think that a large part of the reason that we have been so successful is that William has granted me a bit of control over the situation. Unlike the women in those forums, I feel like my feelings about this matter to him, that I have a say in how we are going to incorporate this into our relationship. And I also have to say that part of the reason that William has give me this modicum of control is that I am making the effort to respect his desires and wishes as well (not just saying "no".) We are making the decisions and choices together. which is key, I think, in making this work.


  1. Hi Susanne, I think that you and William are doing great. It is terrific that you can be honest with each other and that you can allow William to explore his feminine side. Good luck, Suzie

  2. Hi all, new poster AliceB here.

    I want to say how much I like this site and the life stories and opinions I find here.

    I started seeing an NHS psychosexual clinic doctor at the start of this month to help me deal with what I see as an unwanted and problem causing desire to take female hormones, which I have been on and off for the last 2 years.

    Apart from that, I see a lot in common with what you describe of William - the hidden fantasies inside a normal relationship of married-with-kids.

    The Doctor tentatively diagnosed me with 'autogynephilia' and he has said he can make me comfortable with it and help me understand myself better. I didn't get the chance to ask him what he thinks that means yet, so I have been eating up all the clues all I can from the Internet, which has been something of a rollercoaster of relief - 'that's me' and horror 'i'm doomed'; I'm sure I don't need to tell anyone there are a lot of strong opinions about it.

    As I said, at the same time I have a family with a wife and a little girl and another (boy) on the way. My wife knows and has a hard time understanding or accepting this–she has found out piecemeal over the years, when I have chosen to reveal things or when she has made unexpected discoveries...

    It's nice to read about a couple who are making a go of it in the face of all the difficulties, preconceptions, and confusion about expectations, past and future. It gives me hope.

    Best of luck to all of you,


  3. Welcome AliceB! I hope that my blog helps you as much as blogging has helped me. This is a hard road, but to some extent, aren't they all?

    I hope your wife can eventually come to terms with what is going on in your life. One thing that I have learned is that finding things out piecemeal can be more difficult than finding out everything at once. Every time one learns something new, it sets you back to "start" once again - and you relive the pain and fear of ALL of your discoveries all over again. It builds a level of mistrust - we constantly think "Do I know it all? What more is there? Can I handle it?" As difficult as it is, I am a strong advocate of total disclosure, especially once the secret is out. It's the best way to build a solid foundation to your new relationship...

  4. One problem with total disclosure is that it assumes I know everything that has and will happen and the reason for all of that, right now.

    That's not what my life is like - behaviour comes and goes, and reasons come into and go out of focus, and each week brings new discoveries about myself. Maybe that will settle down, but right now I'm as confused and disoriented as my wife is.

    Partly this is from my situation developing, but part of it is from having suppressed my feelings for so long - I suddenly 'realize' something I find I have known for years.

    I often wonder if this is what being crazy feels like.


  5. AliceB - Crazy? Maybe... But more likely not, I think. Fear, confusion, disorientation, pain - I totally get it. Not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring has been one of my biggest personal challenges thru all of this- me, the control-freak. You know, to this day, William still doesn't know why he feels the way he does or what tomorrow will bring. In the beginning, I worried and stressed constantly about "the future." But it got better. It took several weeks, even months, but gradually, I stopped worrying so much about what the future might bring and started living in "today." The biggest thing that William and I did to help that happen was to talk about EVERYTHING -even the uncertainties...ESPECIALLY the uncertainties. William doesn't know how he will feel tomorrow, but he CAN guarantee that he will talk to me about it. And that he will always put me and our relationship first. That counts as total disclosure. And as scary as tomorrow may be, the knowledge that we are facing this together makes it okay (now).

    AliceB, it seems to me that you are taking the right steps - and that's definitely not crazy. You are investigating this. You are in therapy - it sounds like with a doctor who has a clue about what you are feeling and facing. That will help a lot, I think. Maybe, finally, you are on the path to recovery...

    Keep writing - let us know how you are doing as you and your wife go through this. It helps all of us to know that we are not alone...

  6. I showed this to Wiliam and he wanted to add something. He also supports full disclosure. He said "regardless of what came before, with full disclosure and honest communication, you set a new baseline. This is the line from which you and your wife go forth TOGETHER from. Wherever you go, whatever the future brings, you are TOGETHER. By altering the way that you and your wife communicate, you are making changes to your relationship. This new relationship is one created through mutual effort. The path that you are on together is one that is created by BOTH of your choices. It's a much better alternative than the one that you were likely facing alone. It's not EASIER, but it is BETTER."