After the dialogue following my last posting, I got curious. So I went back to some of the "wives of cross-dressers" support forums that I had joined at the beginning of my journey. I was actually saddened to read many of the postings there. The progressive nature of cross-dressing...the involvement of sex, attraction, etc...the despair of the wives, the confusion - it was quite disheartening. "Just Chris" had mentioned that he and his wife had not found much help in similar forums either for similar reasons. Many of the wives had been dealing with this situation in their marriages for a long time - longer than I have been - and yet I feel that we have come so much farther in our journey. Thank God. It has caused me to do a considerable amount of soul-searching lately, though, about us. William and I and our lives together - and our solution to this problem.
I looked hard at William the last time he dressed and pondered...how do I really feel about it? I know it absolutely does NOT turn me on, but it doesn't turn me off either. In the beginning, I was so relieved to be a partner in what we were doing that I actually enjoyed it. Yet as time goes on, I have to admit, it does feel a bit strange to be making love to my man as a "woman." And after much thought, I think it's because with him dressed as a female, I'm still a bit confused as to exactly what my role is in what we are doing. We have discussed this ad nauseum - and yet when we are in the act, I still feel awkward. Not bad. Just "discombobulated?" And while it does not affect my physical enjoyment of the act, it does feel a bit strange...
And maybe I'm just PMS'ing, but I also have to say that it's rather "annoying" for me that William is turned on just by dressing. There is nothing that I have found that turns me on that quickly. For me, foreplay is vital...and while there is a large mental/emotional component involved with foreplay, the physical exchanges that occur during that stage are just as important. William is fully capable of being fully involved, but there are times when he can also be "lazy" during that stage of lovemaking - which just annoys the "*&^%$" out of me. It probably stems back to the days when he complained about not liking sex because it was too much work, so I feel like if I need him to "work" at anything, then I'm potentially creating a problem. It's all part of the past that still affects the future a bit, I guess. Thankfully, we have been able to discuss it and are continuing to work through this, so it's not a cause for alarm...just more conversation, discussion and and learning about each other and how we are working through all of this.
The journey isn't over, but despite my ponderings, I know that we are in sooooo much a better place than we were six months ago, it's amazing... There are several reasons why we are doing so well. Improved communication, total honesty...but I also think that a large part of the reason that we have been so successful is that William has granted me a bit of control over the situation. Unlike the women in those forums, I feel like my feelings about this matter to him, that I have a say in how we are going to incorporate this into our relationship. And I also have to say that part of the reason that William has give me this modicum of control is that I am making the effort to respect his desires and wishes as well (not just saying "no".) We are making the decisions and choices together. which is key, I think, in making this work.