Back to Addiction Again

I want to thank all of you for your comments. I appreciate the warnings, I really do. You all might be surprised to find out that William feels that his AGP is more of an addiction than anything else. This is a recent "discovery" for him; prior to my finding out about his AGP, he thought that was just sometime that he indulged occasionally, he felt that he wasn't hurting anybody. Now he knows differently. I was hurt, and so was our relationship. In the four plus months since we started our journey, we've discussed the idea that AGP might fall somewhere on the TG spectrum. William doesn't believe that he is TG, although he does agree that there must be some biological basis to this and that there is a gender spectrum that he falls into. He definitely agrees that his lack of self-confidence and poor self-esteem are factors in his AGP, but primarily, he believes that he has conditioned himself into an addiction. So, from a practical standpoint, this is how we are choosing to deal with it. (Note: as far as I'm concerned, if William had told me from the beginning, we would likely be dealing with this in a much different way. It's the pattern of addictive behaviors that have been set that are a problem, not the AGP in and of itself.)


We continue to discuss, at length, how exactly we should deal with this. We both have personal experience with food addiction (me) and alcohol addiction (William, his father and his grandfather) , so we think that we understand the difficulty in "controlling" this. Moderate amounts of food and alcohol are fine for most people. So is cross-dressing and masturbation. It's only the unlucky few that are unable to control their "vices." So...since William has never tried to control his AGP, we have chosen to allow him the opportunity to try. And with that, we are choosing to indulge his fantasies...or at least most of them anyway. William says that it's not always easy. He has been self-conditioned to recognize opportunities to indulge his fantasies, solo and in secret, so those are the times when the urges hit him the hardest. So far, he has been able to distract himself with busy work (when you have a house and two young kids, there's always a long "to-do" list.) We actually discussed this morning the need to continue to address this on a very regular basis. With AA and OA or even Weight Watchers, they hold weekly support meetings for their sufferers. The idea is to provide support for their efforts, remind the sufferers of the reasons why they are working so hard to control their urges. We need to do something similar - and since William has chosen to NOT disclose this to anyone, we are going to discuss them together, regularly. We also discussed additional coping strategies. With the other addict groups, they work to identify triggers for their behaviors and coping/distraction methods to implement when those urges hit. We are trying to do the same thing. Our communication has improved greatly since September, we continue to focus on being completely open and honest with one another. We don't think that we are being dishonest with ourselves. We just aren't willing to throw up our hands and claim defeat against this...not just yet anyway.

I mentioned on my last post that everything isn't 100% perfect. I would say that it's 90%, but there are still a few things that we continue to work on. I trust William's love for me. I trust that he wants to do the right thing, but I don't trust his ability to withstand his urges. So far, he says that he hasn't "fallen off the wagon" and I believe him. But I am also watching him. And he knows it. I still get nervous about "opportunities" and we try to discuss how both of us are going to hande those times.

I also have some problems with the aftermath of our "big-fantasy-indulging" sessions. William is so satiated after those events that his sex drive drops...and stays down for about a week or so. We are still trying to figure out how to deal with this in a way that satisfies both of us. My first instinct is to schedule these "big fantasy indulging" sessions for right before my "monthlies", then I wouldn't care if he wasn't interested in sex for a week, but we've noticed that scheduling the sessions ahead of time isn't good for our relationship either. William tends to get focused on the upcoming event and I feel...second best. So for now, we are not scheduling anything. We talked today about him wearing a nightie to bed a little more often. Originally, he didn't want to do this as he thought that it would reduce the intensity of what he feels, but now we're thinking that reducing it might not be such a bad thing?

There are a few things that William has mentioned that he would be interested in doing with me (he has not pushed) that I am uncomfortable with. One is looking at photos of himself, en femme. (At the beginning of this, he gave me his thumb drive with the photos on it and I have it hidden away.) I think that someday I might, but unfortunately for him, it won't be for "fantasy" indulging. I'm curious what he sees when he looks at them. When I ask, he says that he's not sure. He's never thought when looking at them; he's only felt. He says that he is willing to narrate his thoughts and feelings for me when eventually he does look at them - and agrees that we won't include this as part of a love-making session. I'm not sure when this will happen or how I will feel about it, but I'll let you all know when it does.

And just FYI: for the next few weeks, my posts might be spaced out just as these last few have been. I started a temp job a few weeks ago, so my time is a little busier these days! I'm still reading Jack's blog every chance I get and I read every comment that comes across here. So keep checking in and I'll blog again when I get a chance.

All I Need to Know

I have been reading with great interest all the discussion on Jack's blog (and others) about AGP. It seems to me that many of you out there have said "Enough! If the health professionals aren't going to be of any help to us, we'll try to find our own answers." Good for you. I'm pleased to see healthy discourse on the subject. And yet, for all the discussion and efforts to determine the what and why? behind AGP, the most difficult part of AGP is living with it. I will continue reading the blogs and I will still participate in the discussion around trying to define AGP, but really, in some ways, as a spouse of an AGP, I feel that I already know all that I need to know about the subject.

So what do I know? First and foremost, I know that William loves me and that I love him. There was fear that he might not when I first found out about his AGP, but not now. Second, I know that he did not choose to be AGP. oh, he had choices about the behaviors that he chose to indulge, but the basic biology behind this...he didn't choose that, I'm positive about that. Third, I know that William is trying..and even more than that, he is doing. He's not 100% successful 100% of the time, but if I'm honest, who is? I know that he is working hard to make changes within himself - and he's doing it for me...and for us...and for himself. And last, I know that my future with him is as secure as it could possibly be - even if he were not AGP. I don't care where he goes with this, we are going together. So really, what more do I need to know?

It's All In The Family

"AGP runs in families." I've read this more than once and I have developed a theory as to why this happens. It goes something like this: it's commonly accepted that things like alcoholism and obesity also run in families. It's also commonly accepted that these people use alcohol and food as "stress-relief"; it's a coping method for them So people are genetically predisposed to choose one "vice" or another as their "coping method of choice." Is AGP similar? Is AGP more a way of coping with the pressure of life rather than a truly TS/TG condition? As the mother of a son in kindergarten, I worry that this runs in families. I worry that my son will also suffer from AGP - and the mental anguish that goes along with this. I do NOT want that for him. I do not care if he is gay/AGP/TS/TG, but I do very much care that he is happy with whoever he is.

My son love pink and purple. When he was a toddler/preschooler, he wanted "princess" underwear and to wear his sister's dress-up clothes. I have always allowed the dress-up clothes (I wonder now what William thought of that) and I never made a big deal about it. I didn't think it was a big deal. Girl clothes are much prettier than boy clothes and little kids don't understand yet the pressure that our society puts on boys/girls to conform to gender standards. I figured he'd learn about it eventually and only wanted to protect him. I didn't allow the princess underwear or dresses out because I didn't want him to get teased - and I explained that to him in exactly those terms. He seemed to understand. No child wants to do anything that would cause him to get "laughed" at for. At the same time, my son is also drawn to very "boy" things. He loves dirt and bugs. He loves to sports, and to shoot his Nerf guns and build things. He is more "rough and tumble" than calm and quiet. He does not get the girls desire to play house or dolls and he really struggles with "pretend" play.

Since discovering William's AGP and as I learn more about it, I have pondered what I can to do for my son - to help him if he has feelings of gender confusion. Yet I don't want to "make a big deal" of it either. I have gone back to him and told him that if he wants princess underwear or to wear dresses at home, it is absolutely fine with me. He told me that he "might want to someday, but not right now." We left it that if he ever changes his mind and wants to wear girl clothes, he will let me know. I am a "huggy" person, so he has always gotten a lot of hugs and kisses. I am fairly demanding of him, but at the same time, I try hard to make sure he knows that I am proud of him. He seems happy - to me and to others.

So...my question is, what more can I do? I want him to feel loved and appreciated for who he is, regardless. Is there something more that I should be doing to convey that to him? We are NOT telling the children about William's AGP. Since the cross-dressing and role-reversal is purely sex-based for William, it's not appropriate to share with them. We are very open with our children about the "facts of life", they know how babies are made, but right now, it's just the facts, not any details. AGP be just waaaaay too much information for children and they would have no way of understanding it. I honestly don't know if this is something that we will ever share with them. So how do you foster an open and loving environment regarding sex with your children when you are not open and honest about your own "condition" with them?

I also wonder if there is really anything that I can do. If the AGP's self-image is as distorted as the anorexics, is there anything that I can do now to change what may come? Is there something that you, as AGP's, wish your parents would have done for you?

A Happy New Year

Just a quick update since I haven't blogged in awhile: We ended up deciding to take the Christmas break "off" from our problems and just focused on having a relaxing, enjoyable time with each other and with the kids. I feel rejuvenated and am starting the new year with a calmer, more relaxed attitude. Hope abounds. William and I are doing well. We feel strong together. I have to admit, it's still not easy, especially for William. He is trying to overcome years of conditioning, of hiding himself from everyone, even himself. Although we continue to incorporate William's tastes into our marriage, there is a line that I don't want to cross. The line where William's "interests" cease to be part of a loving, sharing relationship between the two of us and transform into something very selfish. Where he crosses over to the "addictive" side of AGP. William continues to struggle to identify that line - and to stay on the right side of it. I still worry that he will "slip", but so far, he has not. We continue to have open and honest communication about it - the most important change that we have made. We seldom become angry or defensive in our conversations anymore, although we still struggle at times to find the right words that our partner will understand. We continue to see our therapist and he is quite helpful, especially with our communication. Somehow he is able to reword what we say in ways that our partner is able to understand. William and I have progressed to the point where we feel comfortable extending our sessions to every two or three weeks. We continue to work on understanding William's needs, both the cause and triggers as well as the expression, but our goal is more "to be able to discuss and resolve our problems between ourselves" rather than to "fix everything." As our therapist says, "it will never be over. Not until we are gone from this earth."

Trying to Organize my Thoughts

I wanted to write a post about relationships and how William's and my relationship is faring. But there are too many random thoughts flitting around in my brain. So I thought I'd just write all the thoughts down and see what happens...

Sex is something that all (well, okay...most) animals do in order to procreate. Procreation is a biological need for most species...but not humans. Humans choose to have sex for pleasure and several do not feel any need to procreate at all. While masturbation is acceptable, most prefer sexual intercourse with another human being.

Relationships are vital to human beings. Studies have been done on infants, depriving them of human touch and affections...nearly all of them died. Love is vital. Human touch is vital. So why do AGP's try so very hard to satisfy all of those needs within themselves?


I read somewhere that when a part of your life becomes dysfunctional, it's importance in your life becomes disproportionately large. Much larger than it should be. I have found that to be true in my life. I'm sure it's true for many who are trying to "find themselves."


Why do some AGP's only imagine that they are female when they want to have sex while others feel more feminine in other areas of their life. Is this then the difference between those who eventually choose to transition and those who do not? Can AGP be a gender identity issue for some and a sexual fetish for others? Is it the same AGP then? or is it actually different?

The issue of inadequacy and low self-esteem seems to be related to AGP, but are they caused BY the AGP or are they a result of the AGP. It seems to be a case of "which came first, the chicken or the egg?"

William has pretty low self-esteem when it comes to his looks. He is a very nice looking man. I thought so the first time I met him - and I still think so today. He, however, does not find himself attractive as a male at all. He sees himself as a "geek" and focuses on his "bad points" - which, oddly enough, do not matter to me in the slightest. He does, however, find himself attractive when dressed in drag. Obviously, his perspective is extremely skewed!__________________________________________

Not sure what really to make of all of these thoughts, but it was worth writing them down to get them out of my head. I'll finish with a quote I read yesterday by Emerson "Life isn't about finding yourself. Life is about creating yourself."

Feelings of Power? or Powerlessness?

Something happened this weekend that has me asking some questions and I'm hoping that some of my readers can offer some insight.

William had a bad day on Saturday. He was out doing "manly-man things" with a few male friends - and things didn't go like he wanted them to. He came home frustrated and irritated with himself. And he'd only been home for about 15 minutes when he came to me and asked me to follow him into the bedroom. He hesitated for only a moment and then confess that he was having an almost uncontrollable urge to dress in [something specific]. He said he was "about ready to come out of his skin. He just needed to do it right now" I asked what he wanted to do after he put the outfit on and he just shrugged. He asked me if he could. It was not the most convenient time (our kids were upstairs playing with a friend), but after considering it, I locked the bedroom door while he went and dressed. It was just the outfit and high heels. He admired himself in the mirror for a minute and then we had sex. It was over pretty quickly. Afterwards, he held me for a few minutes and kissed me. After we dressed in regular clothing, he kissed me again and thanked me - he said that he felt much better.

So...I have tons of thoughts about what happened... To start with, one of the things that I've been reading under the addiction component is that one should never use one's partner as an "object" to satisfy their sexual urges. I agree that this is part of a reasonable definition of a healthy sexual relationship. In this particular case, William did come get me when he felt an extreme urge; he asked me if it was okay - and I said yes; so in that sense, I'm not sure that I was completely "objectified", but I definitely felt that I was not an important piece of the act. It was completely all about him, the way his bum looked in his outfit, his heels - I was superfluous. I also felt that, in the moment, I really didn't have a choice to say "no." Now, obviously I had a choice, but I was definitely worried that if I said no, he would justify going off and doing something for himself - and that was definitely the worse option. (Just for the record - I have NEVER said "no" to him. He's said "no" to me plenty of times, but I have never said "no.")

I brought these questions up to William the next evening. Even though I was not angry (although just talking about this subject continues to bring up some hurt feelings and those can come through as anger) and William tried hard NOT to be defensive, we struggled a bit together to discuss what happened calmly and rationally. And after some discussion, we really didn't come to any big epiphanies. Neither of us are sure if my agreeing to what happened was the "right" thing to do. William admitted that if I had said no, he may have possibly justified going off and satisfying his urges on his own (he continues to maintain that he has not done that since my discovery), so his intent (and hope) in asking me was so that he wouldn't do anything to jeopardize our progress. Our hope is now that we have identified some of the "what-ifs" and possibilities inherent in this particular urge of his, in the future, William will be better able to cope with it. He does not want to resort to justifying an action that he knows would hurt us. He stated his hope that by discussing this now, next time he comes to me with an urge, I can help him try to control them- at least until a more convenient time. Eventually, we hope that he can control his urges as opposed to being controlled by them. Wow -this just occurred to me - if we are able to follow through with this, we are truly becoming "partners"...aren't we? sorry, I digress...

My blog doesn't end there, however...
As I have continued to consider what happened, more questions have come to my mind: why then? Why the "almost uncontrollable urge" right then? In an email he wrote a few days later to his brother about the events of that day, he described "putting himself down to his friends first before they had a chance to point out how useless he was." That statement made me pause to consider two posts that I read recently. The first, on http://www.autogynephiliac.blogspot.com/, one of the latest posts briefly described one theory of sexual/social selection as having to do with social "power groups" and the males "plumage" gaining him admittance to such social groups. The second was a comment left on one of my blog postings, Ag_in_Doubt, a self-described AGP, described his theory of AGP as "Through fantasies, [AGP's] escape their actual selves and the intimidating real life sexual reality that is likely to cause them shame and embarrassment. In exchange, they invert the situation and become vessels of sexual power, bestowing untold pleasures and delight upon the kinds of men they think they ought to be...You see, as the regular "us" in our everyday lives, we walk into a room and feel ugly and unnoticed by women - and scorned by the men. Our standing in the sexual pecking order brings nothing but insecurity and shame. But when we BECOME HER, all that is changed. " This felt "right" at the time I read it - it seems even more pertinent now, considering Saturday's events. Was William's need to dress a direct result of his feelings of failure and worthlessness in doing a typically "male" thing? Did he need to regain his power by dressing like a woman, thus becoming "powerful"?

More questions follow in my mind: Does William really consider women the more "powerful" group? And why? I've noticed that William's ideas of what women are and want are not "real." His fantasies are just that...fantasies. I think when he dresses, he becomes what he wants in a woman - again, completely satisfying his own needs himself...

Anyway, to sum up and get to my questions for all of YOU...
I'm still not convinced that AGP fully falls into any defined category out there - gender, sexual orientation, addiction, transvestism, fetish....any and all fit some aspects of this. To better understand how this affects my partner's particular case, I have a few questions for anyone out there who identifies themselves as AGP - do you always want to become female during sex? or is it only sometimes? Have you ever linked your desires with outside feelings or events? Would you agree that it has to do with "power?" What makes it powerful for you? Do you act on your fantasies as soon as they hit? What do you do if you can't act on those urges either immediately or at all?

__________________________________________________
12/16 - I edited some of the above post to clarify my questions just a bit...

And I wanted to add that William completely denies that his bad day had anything to do with his actions on Saturday. He denies that it has anything to do with power or feelings of inadequacy. Maybe he's right. I don't know.

Of course, William also denies any TG/TS feelings whatsoever, yet he has a LOT of shemale/TG/TS porn in his collection. He has downloaded several photos of shemales and used them to masturbate to. All of his written fantasy is about males becoming females. He has no explanation for any of those things - or anything he does - except to say that "it's just normal exploration and that [he's] sure that it's not trans-sexual in any way..." Maybe it's not TS/TG, but from my perspective, I'm not sure what else to call it. If it looks like a horse, moves like a horse, etc.

My point being that I'm not sure I can trust his "instincts" about this. I think he continues to fight to remain in the dark about himself. He doesn't want to know why he does the things he does. So how can I believe his answers when I believe that he is lying even to himself. Again, my question is "how can you control something that you don't understand?"

Emotional Sharing

We had an interesting discussion last week at our therapy appointment. It revolved around the emotional sharing that occurs in a relationship. For most of our relationship, William has been resistant to this sharing. I knew he had emotions. I knew he loved me and the kids. I always thought of him as "still waters running deep." But I didn't realize until recently how much of himself he didn't share, how much he kept to himself. Even more than the sexual fantasies, he didn't share his desires, fears, and feelings - he didn't share himself. Prior to September 17th, William had been physically affectionate with hugs and kisses outside of the bedroom, he has participated in raising our children, he had done the surface things required of him as a husband and father., but it was a false front.

In the beginning of our discussion, William revealed that his fears. He felt that fully sharing himself emotionally with me would somehow dilute him; make him less than himself. He felt that I was asking him to sacrifice him as an individual on the alter of our marriage. Funny. I don't see it that way at all. In fact, I believe that it's the exact opposite. I believe that emotional sharing would make him MORE, not less. Certainly not less of an individual. I see that sharing as a way to "flesh out" the ghost partner that I've had for seven years, making him more real, more solid. Definitely not diluted. I actually believe that the emotional sharing is a key component of a committed relationship - otherwise we'd just be friends with privileges. Or maybe even less, maybe just roommates. And after much discussion and thought, I asked William to take that leap...regardless of his fears. I asked him to begin to share himself. And he agreed. And what's more, he followed up his words with an action. This week, he asked for my help with a recurring problem that he has never asked for my help with before. A problem that I have asked to be allowed to help with for years, a request that he had always denied previously. It was a big deal for both of us - and I can't tell you how good it made me feel.

William's reluctance to share his emotional self, to allow me "in" makes me think about some of the comments left on this blog and others. It's made me think about William's instinct to satisfy all of his needs himself - and what that "all" encompasses. About the fear of one's own inadequacies. About the dark and lonely side of AGP. And I believe that, in the same way that change, even a positive one, is scary, William is afraid to let this go. After all, this secret and secluded way of living is all he has ever known. In some ways, I am honored that he is fighting himself so hard...for me...for us.

In case you can't tell, I'm actually at a high point this week. I feel good. I am very happy that William is open to trying, to making efforts, to put himself into our marriage.

And so we continue our work...