Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Almost 5 years later

I hadn't checked this email for about 6 months - I usually don't get anything but spam.  But I signed on this past week and there were 5 legitimate emails waiting for me!  I hope everyone who had emailed found the information that they were looking for.  But it made me think, I should write an update.  So here it is...

It's been nearly 5 years since I found out about my William.  I actually had to look up how long it's been because I've moved into that space "post-discovery" where it's not a shock, not a big deal, - basically that space where, when I was trying to find information about my discovery, every other spouse who blogged was living.  That's why I wrote my blog - because when you are going through the painful throes of discovery, you don't want to hear how things CAN be, you want to know how to deal with the crap that's going on right now!  I hope others can find help there, because it helped me immensely to write it.  And now I'm living in a much more peaceful place.

I think it took almost 4 years to get to this place of "it's not a big deal."  Oh, really, it was "only" about 6 months of incredibly painful crap, which gradually lessened over time, but was also fouled by the occasional rearing of the viper's head over the next couple of years.  But as I think back, it's been well over a year since any of that has come up - and if it did now....well, at least I'm in a good place to deal with it - and I'm confident that we would still be okay.

William and I are doing just fine.  We still dress, role-play, etc - at least whenever we can find the time in our crazy world of four kids, house, work and life.  William is NOT out of the closet with anybody but me - which is exactly how he says that he wants it.  I'm not sure how intense his desires still are to do more than what we are doing - we really haven't talked about them in a quite awhile, but the last time we did, he said that he's happy with where we are and doesn't think about it much - other than he still wants to do what we do and he loves that I'm okay with it.  My feeling about this is that when what-one-wants is acceptable, the desires stop being so all-consuming.  It's not that those desires fade, but they fall back to occupy a more-normal-amount of thought/time/energy.  What William wants is fine with me, so he doesn't obsess about them any more. It took him a few years to get to his happy place, it didn't happen right away either, but it was part of our journey together.

Our marriage is still good.  We communicate quite well - I can tell how "we" are by how he responds to me - does he take my calls during the day at work?  Does he remember what I tell him?  Does he get frustrated easily?  As soon as I see one of those start to wane, I know it's time for us to have a talk - and we do - and it's usually he's stressed about something - and things improve.  I must have some signals myself - because he will occasionally do the same thing to me.

I love him dearly - and he loves me.  I know our journey isn't over - no journey ever is - but we're still on it together, so it's all good...

God Bless and Take Care.

Thursday, February 21, 2013

2013 - Still together!

Still here, still married, still "doing what we're doing"...

Life is good! William and I still communicate well, still have an active sex life that incorporates both of our desires, still have a solid marriage.  William says he still thinks about self-pleasuring occasionally, but the interest is not nearly as strong as it used to be - and it's much easier to ignore. Perhaps it's because we are able to communicate much more effectively, perhaps it's because what he wants to do is acceptable within the confines of our marriage, perhaps it's because he's satisfied with just the dressing/role-playing and has no interest in taking this any farther, or (LOL) perhaps it's just because we are getting older, but for whatever reason, we are very blessed to continue to grow together in our relationship.

I don't check in very often any more - life has just gotten too busy with our family, work and daily life (and computer problems don't help either.)  I still care, though.  If you need to get in touch with me, just keep trying!  I'll check back in periodically.

Take care everyone!  and God Bless!


Monday, March 26, 2012

2012 Update

Yes, we are still alive!  and I thought it high-time for an update!

It's been 2-1/2 years since I discovered William's secret.  Seems like it's been a lifetime.  We've made a few changes in our relationship, added a few kids - gotten even busier if that's possible.  We've had our share of ups and downs, (thankfully, more ups than downs) and today, life is good.  I am more in love with him than I ever have been and, I think, he is with me - and that love and commitment gets us through the down times.

In trying to decide what to write here today, I came up with a list of what has changed for the better in our lives.  What has made this whole journey worthwhile.

My list starts with the fact that I've become more than William's spouse; I've become his friend and confidante.  William actually talks to me now about his work, about his thoughts, about things that matter to him, about stuff he NEVER talked about before.  It certainly didn't happen overnight.  I really started noticing it about a year or so after discovery and it's continued to blossom.  Along with that, he also LISTENS to me. No more emailing him so that he will remember dates/times/events, etc.

Marriage creates a TEAM - and, sometimes, in order to be part of a team, you have to admit your weaknesses.  William has learned to do that.  An example of this:  pre-discovery, William refused to admit he was sick or in pain.  I can remember one time, he literally couldn't get up off the floor because he threw his back out - and he would barely admit that he was hurting.  And woe to me if I even offered to fix him soup or get him medicine when he was sick!  Jeez!  Now, though, he'll tell me if his back is hurting or if his allergies are bugging him.  And I can help take care of him when he is sick - just like he helps take care of me when I am sick.  It must be nice - not having to be the "strong" one all the time.  William certainly seems less stressed - and that can only be good.

We actually have a regular sex life!  We are still actively incorporating his fantasies into our activities.  Sometime too much so, but I only have to say so and it re-balances out.  My only issue is that he still has to call the shots as far as timing.  His sex drive peaks mid-afternoon, by evening, he's not interested.  It can be frustrating at times for me, but we are working on it.  It doesn't help that I'm NOT a morning person when it comes to sex. 

What has NOT changed is AGP. It still is a major influence in our lives.  I had really hoped that if we indulged some of the fantasies, some of the aspects of AGP would dissipate.  But just as an alcoholic never stops craving alcohol, William still craves the solo piece of AGP.  And he says that while the ability to control himself has improved, the desire to indulge privately has not.  Honestly, that makes me very sad.  That the misdirected target of his desires - himself- is a reality that we will always have to deal with.

William has had the occasional bout of "cheating" (three that I am aware of in 2-1/2 years) - this last Christmas was tough as I discovered that he was indulging himself yet again.  The good news is that we continue to talk and work through the problems.  William agrees that solo activities are NOT conducive to a good marriage.  At least, not for me or consequently, us.  So we journey on...together.

And take it one day at a time.  And today is a good day.

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

2011 Update and New Blogs

Hello everybody!

I know it's been awhile since I've posted.  I've become more of a lurker than a blogger this last year.  That's a good thing for the most part.  Life with William is still pretty good, although we did have a few issues arise earlier this year.  A couple of months ago, I noticed a few "warning" signs - he had failed to orgasm twice in a few weeks (first time since discovery), he wasn't remembering what I told him, I had to email him at work to tell him something, etc. - and I mentioned exactly that to him in just about those words "I have noticed some warning signs that concern me."  I dropped the subject and the signs went away...but my "spidey-sense" tingled again about 6 weeks later.  Nothing as specific this time, but he seemed "distracted" and was wanting sex less often, so just on a hunch, I brought it up to him one evening for a brief discussion.  I was not confrontational, but told him again that I saw a few things that concerned me.  He admitted to slipping and masturbating a few times.  We talked - and I pointed out that even if it only happened a few times as he said, I could tell something was different.  No matter how much control he thought he had over AGP, obviously that was not the case.  It's been okay since, but I have learned that this journey is never over.  William will always struggle to control his AGP...which is okay - as long as he doesn't give up.  And neither will I.

Anyway, my main reason for posting today was to add two new blogs to my links section.  Jack has posted them on his website also and I checked them out today.  Michael's story is very similar to my William's, I think, but  Michael and Rebecca are choosing to deal with Michael's AGP in a slightly different way than William and I have.  I admit to a great deal of curiosity as to how it works for them!  As I have said before, everyone's relationship is different and they have to define the boundaries for themselves.  I wish them the VERY BEST of luck on their journey...


Rebecca's story  http://agppartnership.blogspot.com/
Michael's story   http://agpadventure.blogspot.com/

Saturday, October 2, 2010

Response to Comments...

I recently received several interesting comments from "Anonymous".  I responded to one on the comment thread, but thought his second deserves a blog posting of it's own.  Here's the comment:

"I don't catch why you don't allow your man to dress, use a dildo and masturbate alone ?!!!  He could do that alone and afterwards have sex normaly with you.

In my case, I have a need to dress. The pulsion gets stronger and stronger. If I don't dress for a while, I dream about it when I sleep ! If I try to not dress, I feel bad and I am not interested with the girl I date. I am away. In my own world. Reality doesn't count.   After I dressed and had sex alone, I feel relieved, more or less normal and I am very atrtacted to girls again. So I can have sex like a man, without thinking that I am a woman.

I don't want to have sex in DRAG with a girl because I know that I will feel ridiculious next to her female body, I will not feel like a woman but like a DRAG.

Why not leting your man having sex with men ? What do you risk ? He will always come back and this is just sex. Other normal straight men have sex with women while married. All men have more or less affairs. At least, in your case, you are sure that he couldn't fall in love and leave. Your husband will NEVER leave you if you allow him to be free. In exchange, he would probably not need anymore to be dressed to have sex with you.

You must catch that for men, sex and love are 2 different things, unlike for women who link sex to feelings. A man can have sex with a stranger, it is like eating with a stranger = simple and natural.  So having sex alone or with other people doesn't mean that he doesn't love you.

Let him be free in his sex life. Your relationship and sex can only be better as he will felt understood and himself.  Of course, set some limits to protect himself and your security = no strangers at home, he has sex in parties or hotels. No sex without condoms. The best would be to have a few regular lovers, you could even know them !!!

At the end, this is just dressing clothes and playing a role. It doesn't change your man. He is the same.

We only have one life. So why bothering with details like having a man who would like to be a woman ?!!!

I think that your pain problem is that you don't like yourself so much and so feel rejected as a woman. But it doesn't come from you. You could be the best looking girl in the world, he would still prefer more or less sex alone than with you because his fantacy is beeing a woman!!!!

You could try to be more sexy because his need to dress can come of a lack of contact with sexy woman though. A woman dressed like he would like to dress. He will not stop dressing but if he sees sexy clothes daily on you, clothes will become more like somple clothes and not something special."
hmmmmm...I have many, many thoughts swirling around in my head, so I'll try to make sense of them for you. 
First, why don't I let William "do this thing alone?"  Well, for one thing, he DID do that for years.  And even though he loved me, our marriage suffered.  Because William was able to fully satisfy his own needs all by himself, he didn't need me.  oh, sure, he loved me, but honestly, day-to-day, he didn't need me for anything more than housekeeping and child-rearing.  And in the long-term relationship of marriage, this was a very bad thing!  It might be crude, but part of the reason a man keeps a woman happy is so that he can "get a little."  And if he doesn't ever want "it" then eventually, even if he loves her, he stops paying attention to her, stops wanting to please her, stops wanting to share his life with her.  And he starts focusing on where he IS getting it - even if it's just within himself. 
And eventually, it spills over into other areas of the marriage.  After seven years of marriage and self-pleasure, William no longer heard me when I talked to him - I had to send him an EMAIL at work if I needed him to remember something!  He would get frustrated with me if I asked him for anything.  And he couldn't wait for me to leave the house so he could spend time with "her."  How sad is that?  When one can't wait for his wife to leave so he can have sex with another - even if the "other" is just himself.  So...having lived William being able to satisfy his own needs for several years...and then having lived William needing ME to satisfy his sexual needs for the last year...NO, I will never, ever give William permission to pleasure himself again.  And while he may choose to do so at some point...well, this time, I will eventually know what's going on... 
Why don't I allow William to have sex outside the marriage with other men?  Well, as far as I'm concerned, William did have sex with someone other than me for the first seven years of our marriage -and it was not beneficial to our relationship.  William and I both come from fairly traditional, conservative families.  William's family is also staunchly Catholic, so his attitudes and feelings are even more conservative than mine!  When this all first came out, one of the first questions I asked him was "did he want a marriage in which he did his thing and I did mine?"  (At the time, it was something that I was willing to consider.)  But his response - "No.  Because that's not what marriage is."  Well, what's good for the goose is good for the gander.  I don't care who you are or what turns you on - I believe that marriage is a commitment between two people in which they promise to forsake all others.  And that means "no sex with anyone else."  Period.  Otherwise, why get married?
"Sex and love are different for a man.  Let him be free in his sex life."   Nope.  Perhaps this works for some women, but not for me.  If he wants to have sex with anyone else, male or female, then we can end our marriage as it stands now and he can go do it.  Because that's just the way I am - and I will not apologize for it.  (Besides, that's a crock.  Remember how much he focused on the one he was getting sex from - and NOT me, the woman he loved?)
And the last part...I must "not like myself very much and feel rejected as a woman."  oh, boy...this is a toughie.  You know...rejection IS one of the things that I felt for a long time.  But not any longer. To some degree, my William is choosing to reject his inner wife for ME.  It's ME that he is choosing, so no, I don't feel rejected any longer, I feel CHOSEN.  It's a wonderful feeling - and what's helped make this work between us. 
As far as "wearing sexy clothes," I used to try to wear lingerie and sexy clothes for him before I found out and he didn't react to them...AT ALL.  In fact, he said that he really didn't care for them, so I stopped.  Now I know it was the exact opposite - it was just so close to the truth that he backed away from it.  He felt like he couldn't risk having me know that he liked the clothes in case he couldn't stop himself from revealing more.  So now that I know, there's no more harm.  I dress, he dresses...and sometimes we dress together.  Which is absolutely fine with me.  As long as it's with me!   
So bottom line...every person's relationship is different.  What works for one might not work for another's.   I'm curious, Anonymous...are you in a long-term committed relationship?  Does your partner know about you?  And what does she think?

sorry...I had to come back and add one more thing...and that is: sex is a crucial part of a relationship.  oh, I know there is the odd one in which sex is not a factor (more power to 'em), but that is not the "norm."  As a general rule, heterosexual men seek out heterosexual women for relationships and marriage, so do gay men with gay men and lesbian women with lesbian women.  We don't marry our friends and only meet with the opposite sex for mating.  No, most of us enjoy spending time, cultivating a relationship with the person that we are also sexually attracted to.  I say again, mutual sexual attraction is important!  I've read AGP's who say things that they are most attracted to themselves and that the other person is irrevelant.  HUH????  That's not a relationship that most non-AGP people would be interested in participating in.  If you don't care about the other person's feelings and are only focused on satisfying your own sexual needs, then you are just using them for your own purposes.  And that's not a relationship at all.

Sunday, September 12, 2010

Credit Where Credit is Due

This week, I helped my friend who lost her husband go through his computer photos, looking for ones to print out for the wake.  I can't tell you what feelings came up when we came across one particular folder titled "Unusual Ones".  It was obvious what type of photos the folder contained.  My friend was aware that her husband looked at pictures, so she wasn't upset, but it really brought up negative feelings in me.  Memories from finding certain photos from one year ago. ....  I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that I found out about William BEFORE his passing.  So grateful I've had the opportunity to work through the anger and the hurt.  If something had happened to William, I WOULD have found his stash of clothes, toys, photos - and I would have hated him.  And I would have never been able to get past it.  So, I'm writing about this to say that if any of you out there have NOT told your spouse - and you don't intend to, then please...please...at the very least, do whatever you need to do to ensure that she will NEVER find out.  Not even after you are gone.  I can't imagine what that would do to a wife who has just lost her husband.  Please, don't do that to someone who loves you. 

Now, that bit of sadness aside... I wanted to make one more statement.  It seems to me that sometimes this piece of our success gets overlooked...

William and I are doing great, but it's not because I've accepted him and everything that comes along with AGP.  It's because I have done that to the maximum degree that I could - AND because William has worked every bit as hard as I have to make our marriage work.  He has really made the effort to understand MY perspective in all of this.  He has learned to open up and communicate his feelings with me.  He and I have actively negotiated exactly what components of his desires we will incorporate into our relationship - and what we will not.  And he has been willing to compromise.  He understands that there are times when I still struggle with our situation.  He has been understanding when we come up against those few things that, for one reason or another, I am not willing or able to do.  And he honors my request that he NOT do anything solo. 

So...giving credit where credit is due.  This marriage has worked because of BOTH of us, not because of just one of us.  Negotiation and compromise are part of every successful marriages - and ours is no different.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Blog Post SOOOO Worth Reading!

The Crossdresser's Wife is a fabulous blog from a woman who accepts her husband's crossdressing.  So, not quite the same thing as AGP, buuuut...the attitude of acceptance, for me at least, is the same.  I absolutely LOVE this particular post titled "No One is Normal"   So true!!!  :)