Credit Where Credit is Due

This week, I helped my friend who lost her husband go through his computer photos, looking for ones to print out for the wake.  I can't tell you what feelings came up when we came across one particular folder titled "Unusual Ones".  It was obvious what type of photos the folder contained.  My friend was aware that her husband looked at pictures, so she wasn't upset, but it really brought up negative feelings in me.  Memories from finding certain photos from one year ago. ....  I can't begin to tell you how grateful I am that I found out about William BEFORE his passing.  So grateful I've had the opportunity to work through the anger and the hurt.  If something had happened to William, I WOULD have found his stash of clothes, toys, photos - and I would have hated him.  And I would have never been able to get past it.  So, I'm writing about this to say that if any of you out there have NOT told your spouse - and you don't intend to, then please...please...at the very least, do whatever you need to do to ensure that she will NEVER find out.  Not even after you are gone.  I can't imagine what that would do to a wife who has just lost her husband.  Please, don't do that to someone who loves you. 

Now, that bit of sadness aside... I wanted to make one more statement.  It seems to me that sometimes this piece of our success gets overlooked...

William and I are doing great, but it's not because I've accepted him and everything that comes along with AGP.  It's because I have done that to the maximum degree that I could - AND because William has worked every bit as hard as I have to make our marriage work.  He has really made the effort to understand MY perspective in all of this.  He has learned to open up and communicate his feelings with me.  He and I have actively negotiated exactly what components of his desires we will incorporate into our relationship - and what we will not.  And he has been willing to compromise.  He understands that there are times when I still struggle with our situation.  He has been understanding when we come up against those few things that, for one reason or another, I am not willing or able to do.  And he honors my request that he NOT do anything solo. 

So...giving credit where credit is due.  This marriage has worked because of BOTH of us, not because of just one of us.  Negotiation and compromise are part of every successful marriages - and ours is no different.

Blog Post SOOOO Worth Reading!

The Crossdresser's Wife is a fabulous blog from a woman who accepts her husband's crossdressing.  So, not quite the same thing as AGP, buuuut...the attitude of acceptance, for me at least, is the same.  I absolutely LOVE this particular post titled "No One is Normal"   So true!!!  :)

http://crossdresserswife.com/index.php/2010/08/19/no-one-is-normal/

One Year Later...

Almost one year later...and, boy, have we come a long ways, baby!

I almost feel like celebrating.  One year of an almost more real marriage.  One year of honesty.  One year of sharing.  One year. 

My best friend lost her husband this past weekend.  Sudden heart attack at age 48.  Two kids - 10 and 12 years of age.  It's made me think a lot, this week, about my marriage, about William and our relationship.  I wouldn't change William for anything - well, okay, maybe, honestly, sometimes I wish that the AGP could go, but it's also part of who my husband is.  Part of why he is the way he is.  And I love him, so..., no...I wouldn't change him for anything.  (I'd just have had him tell me sooner!)

Reality is...there's nothing earth-shattering to blog about anymore.  We are doing well.  Real Life has taken over again, AGP no longer dominates everything we do...or think about.  I still read the blogs (I'm thrilled that there is so much discussion about it!)  I'm still interested in learning more about AGP, but I'm not obsessed with it.  We are, obviously, still aware of it.  It doesn't go away.  We are still aware that William needs to be in control of it, else it gain control of him again.  So when we need to, when life gets stressful and "triggers" come up, we still talk about ways to deal with AGP, but those discussions are becoming rarer.   More and more often, we just share our needs with each other - and satisfy them together. 

I'm proud of us.  We've worked hard to make "us" work - and we are both happy.  So Congratulations to Us! 




 

Something to Think About...

Quotes from a book that I just finished reading...

"Love that lived beyond passion was ephemeral...It existed outside of time, on a continuum that couldn't be seen or described.."

"Never to give up the primacy of sex was to die alone, in a kind of poverty.  It was never to know the comfort of sex without need."

"...marriage brought a kind of simple pleasure, a pleasure in the continued company of another human being, the act of caring, of carrying with you the thought of someone else."

-Robert Goolrick
"The Reliable Wife"

Life is Good!

Hi all!  Just a quick update.  Summer has gotten quite busy with the kids and, and, and.  So I haven't had a chance to blog.  But William and I are good. Good enough that we are putting ourselves to the test.  Prior to my discovery, we had started a process to do something.  Something big. Something that will cause some changes in our life, but will also likely bring a certain level of stress with it.  After all, even good things can be stressful.  Anyway, this spring, we had sort of a "now or never" decision to make - so after much (MUCH!) discussion, we elected "now."  So it's started...  It's a good thing.   

This week was a big week in that process, probably the biggest one that we'll have, truthfully.  I've been a bit worried how this would affect William, me, us, our marriage, everything.  Well, maybe not really worried, per se, after all, we talked about this a LOT before we proceeded.  But perhaps...aware?  We are really trying to focus on "us", on our stress level, and on reducing that stress level while we go through this.  William wanted to do a "big" dress this week - out of cycle.  Which means he is under more stress.  At first, I was a little upset (at myself for continuing on with this project), but then I thought about it more.  Actually, his request was a good thing.  It means that we are identifying our stressors and working hard to relieve them.  Working together.  Talking together.  Talking things out.

And we're good.  :) 

Link to New Blog

I received a very nice email from the male half of another couple trying to incorporate something "different" into their marriage. He is also blogging about it and offered up a link to his blog. Here's part of his email to me:

I also wanted to say that both my wife and I have some understanding of the dilemma you have found yourself in, as we are now going through similar experiences with regards to how my crossdressing has progressed from wearing - to dreaming - to become a male-lesbian during intimacy. Though our situation is a bit different from yours as far as my dressing goes, it is this last aspect of my transvestism, something that even I do not understand completely, that we are now trying to deal with. In attempting to articulate and understand the many questions my behaviour poses to both me and my wife, I too have begun to write a blog of my own http://www.imitationsofreality.com which I hope will shed some light and be of some help to others who find themselves in a similar situation.

I will read with interest - the other perspective is so very helpful to me in my own journey...

My Son Wants to Wear a Nightgown

A long time ago, I told my son that if he wanted to wear a dress like his sister's, it was okay with me. He absolutely loves pink and purple and pretty things. He's declined to wear dresses until now, mostly because he knows that other kids would tease him, I think. Then, three nights ago, he asked if he could wear a nightgown to bed. He's seven. I'm wasn't sure if he was serious or joking around, so I just said "sure" and tried to be very nonchalant about it. He put on one of his sister's nightgowns (about 2 sizes too small!) and paraded around for a little bit. His sister was giggling about it, but in a "Let's swap -I'm going to wear boys pajamas to bed!" way. It certainly wasn't meant to be cruel. My son wore the nightgown for about 15 minutes before complaining it was too tight around the arms and took it off.

So was it just a joke...or something more?

Anyway, yesterday, I was out shopping. And saw little girl's nightgowns on clearance. I got my daughter a couple of "Princess" and "Tinkerbell" nightgowns - couldn't pass up a good deal...and then, on impulse, got one more in my son's size.

It's still in the bag.

I'm torn between (A) giving it to him, (B) putting it in my daughter's drawer and letting them discover that it's a little bit too big for her which will lead to "oh, maybe it could fit Will, Jr?" or (c) doing absolutely nothing at all with it. Maybe just putting it away until my daughter is big enough to fit into it.

I haven't had a chance to talk to William about it yet - it's been a busy week. And we're moving into the latter half of his cycle where he wants to dress for sex. Will that affect his thoughts about it? Would it be better to wait until he's "post-femm?"

And what am I setting my son up for if I allow it? Neither he nor his sister can keep a secret for anything, so who will they tell? They are spending a night with grandparents this weekend - and I guarantee Grandpa will NOT be understanding. Is it fair to ask them to keep it quiet? I certainly don't want to set my child for any teasing or cruelty.

I know that I need to talk to William about it - and I will, but it will likely be this weekend before we get a chance to really sit down and discuss it. And if we decide to give it to him, it will NOT be before the weekend at Grandpa's. But how seriously should I take this? What do I do?